to ask if anyone has experience of being a 'subsequent child', born after the death of an older sibling?

[SaveMeTheWaltz]

Bit of a sensitive topic for AIBU but posting for traffic.

DD2 died at a few days old, after a fatal complication during her delivery. Two years down the line, we have now had another baby, a little boy this time. (We also have DD1, who is now four). This sounds terrible written down, but I am very conscious that DS was only conceived because DD2 had died (not that I would ever admit this out loud). Is this likely to affect him in the future? For those of you who were born in similar situations, do you feel that it has affected how you view your place in the family, how you have turned out as an adult, etc?

Bad I had hoped that would be the case. His DS died at 4 weeks. DD is 23 weeks old. Despite him being incredibly abusive to me during pregnancy, everything from ghosting to bare faced lying to gaslighting to financial abuse (I had to beg and borrow everything for DD as he would take his weeks wages and go on benders leaving me with no money for rent gas electric food. Let alone providing for a new baby. Beyond humiliating to be married and in that situation.) I was so patient. I almost broke my own mental health making allowances for his alcoholism.

He was robbed of seeing his DS grow up but he is actively choosing to miss out on his DD and I just cannot wrap my head around that.

My Grandparents lost a son at 6 months old to pnemonia, my Dad is 11 months older than that son, they went onto have another DS 4 years later so I have two people who had lived through this to speak to, and they're both just baffled by his behaviour. My Grandad has been apoplectic for most of the last year about it. And I feel awful for them as it must have dragged up so much fot them. She'd got married, had 2 children, buried her Dad then buried her baby in the space of 18 months at the age of 18. She is my fucking hero.

My Grans always said the worst thing about it is that she can't even tell recently bereaved parents that it gets better, because it doesn't, because 54 years on it still feels raw. But the most important piece of advice she received was to not let the grief freeze you for the rest of your life. You can't live in that horrifying moment of looking into the cot for the rest of your life or you will waste your life.

I just don't know how to feel about it all. I just feel desperately sad for STBXH but also for my DD and my duty is to her, not him.

This post will out me but I don't care.

I had a late mc and then got pg by accident 1 week later with DD.
She's now 11 and doesn't know but I may sort of tell her one day. I suppose if I hadn't lost that baby I wouldn't have her

Well mombie, I can say that your stbxh's attitude isn't only linked to his bereavement, he was probably a complete tosser before that happened too. So many people on this thread and your grandparents too, have been through huge amounts of grief and haven't turned into what he has, a downright nasty abuser.

Your dd has you and your lovely family, she will thrive and she will be loved deeply. I suspect that your ex will never stop being horrid. Good luck to you and your dd.

My Dm had a late miscarriage and then triplets that died shortly after birth. Rather than feel like a replacement I've always felt very very wanted and special. I was the much fought for baby.

I guess what I'm saying is it's how you handle it and deal with it.

So sorry for your loss.

Both my parents were that child. Both were only children. Both had odd relationships with their parents. I don't know any more than that but it's been interesting to read this thread.