to ask if anyone has experience of being a 'subsequent child', born after the death of an older sibling?

[SaveMeTheWaltz]

Bit of a sensitive topic for AIBU but posting for traffic.

DD2 died at a few days old, after a fatal complication during her delivery. Two years down the line, we have now had another baby, a little boy this time. (We also have DD1, who is now four). This sounds terrible written down, but I am very conscious that DS was only conceived because DD2 had died (not that I would ever admit this out loud). Is this likely to affect him in the future? For those of you who were born in similar situations, do you feel that it has affected how you view your place in the family, how you have turned out as an adult, etc?

I am the older sibling of a child that died at 4yo; my parents went on to have another child shortly afterwards. My parents never discussed my dead sibling and just expected me to get on with things, even though I was more than old enough to remember them and to know what was going on. I overheard my mother saying to a friend that 'Well, we didn't want Contessa to be an only child' and so I got it into my head that my new sibling was the replacement baby. I told my sibling that, once it just seemed so obvious from my POV. I didn't think of how it must feel to be that child.

Loss of a child can affect a family for decades; IME it depends on the parent to guide the children through it. If the parents can find a healthy way forward, then the kids will follow; if not then there is the potential for everyone to struggle.

I'm sorry about your DD

I haven't rtft yet, but want to say that I born 13 months after the still birth of my mother's dd1, given the same name she had planned for her, and have felt like an inadequate replacement ever since, like my parents think I should have been the one who died, or they thought I had somehow been responsible for her death. I am now in my sixties, and lost my husband earlier this year. I am finding this thread incredibly difficult. Need to pull myself together! together.

My Mother lost 2 babies before she had me but it hasn't impacted on my life at all. If they had survived I'm pretty sure neither my younger sister nor I would be here which is a bit strange when I think about it.

My BIL and SIL are 13 plus years younger than my OH. Born after his younger brother died aged 10. It hasn't affected them at all and they all have an amazingly close relationship.

However OH has always felt that he couldn't 'help' his parents whereas the birth of his brother and sister 'helped' so it has affected him emotionally.

My BIL and SIL are 13 plus years younger than my OH. Born after his younger brother died aged 10. It hasn't affected them at all and they all have an amazingly close relationship.

However OH has always felt that he couldn't 'help' his parents whereas the birth of his brother and sister 'helped' so it has affected him emotionally.

Wornoutboots how horrible; I'm so sorry.

It's not quite the same, but I am the eldest child. Prior to me, my mum had several miscarriages. I don't know exactly how many or the details, but I would guess around 4 or 5. My younger sibling and I are the result of some pretty intensive medical intervention.

I've known about this since I was a youngish teen. I can't say it makes me feel anything really, I feel very sad for my mum who suffered through a great deal, physically and emotionally. I wouldn't be here if everything had gone as planned, but I am in no doubt that she loves my brother and I very much and we were / are unbelievably wanted. It has never been an issue for me.

My DP is the eldest of 4. His DS1 was 5 years younger than him. She died in infancy. His DB was born 4 years later, followed in under a year by DS2. My ILs stopped as soon as they had DD2. It is blatantly obvious that they wanted another dd. She is clearly FILs favourite, is on a pedestal and can do no wrong, no matter how shabby her behaviour actually is. DS2 gets treated far less well and DH, as the oldest and there when his sister died, went through watching his parents grief,followed by the arrival of dB and golden ds. He went through hell.

I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered.

My husband is the 3rd child of an older brother passing away at a few days. He also has an elder sister.

He did tell me he always grew up feeling like he wasn't meant to be here.

He is ok as an adult and has rationalised it but he dd tell me it affected him growing up.

His mother though never spoke of her Loss and she is still a distant woman now not very cuddly with grandchildren etc . Maybe if she opened up he wouldn't have wondered so much.

I also know his sister suffered as she felt second best to him his mum did put him on a pedestal somewhat I noticed this as his spouse

His dad has died recently so things have changed but it's not been easy for either remaining children

I was born after my 2 older siblings died, one at 3 days old, one at 11 mths ( not at the same time, there was a year plus between them). I never felt second best, in fact I was cherished and adored even more because I was alive and healthy. It is odd though being the eldest yet knowing I should be the third child. I did feel some pressure growing up, to live up to my parents expectations but being honest that was entirely my own and not theirs. They were just glad I lived.

Memoires thanks. I don't think they meant it to be hurtful.

Memoires thanks. I don't think they meant it to be hurtful.

Not me but my best friend. Her sister (parents' first child) died aged four from a rare syndrome. They then had a second daughter; my best friend. I knew this early on as it was natural for the family to talk about their first child--it wasn't a taboo subject, which I think really helped. They never treated their second daughter as a replacement but as a person in her own right.

It would have been my dd3s 13th birthday today.

Ds2 (12 next month) currently flopped on the sofa opposite me. Hasn't affected him at all so far. He's cherished and knows he had a big sister he hasn't met.

Try not to overthink it OP. Love your kids and all will be well.

Not quite the same but I am the 'replacement' child for both my parents...

My mother had a child adopted about 15 years before I was born - I was the 'do over' and never good enough.

My father found out shortly before he married my mother (and thus about 6 months before I was conceived) that he had a child out there somewhere who had been adopted.. again.. i was the replacement though to be fair to him HE has rarely made me feel like that.

I dunno if its different becasue my dads child is now known to us and we all get on pretty well and see one another, and my mothers child was never known (horrible mother and baby home, adopted out at 4 weeks old in the mid sixties) and so that was never really resolved for her.

It almost certainly does make a difference that my mother was fairly abusive and unpleasant as a parent whilst I was growing up, she never missed an opportunity to point out how i was letting her down and it all made sense in my early teens when we finally found out about the PFB..

So yeah, handle with care but within a normal (ie none lunatic dysfunctional family like mine!) loving family it shouldn't automatically be an issue at all!

My dp was born after his older brother passed away in a similar situation. We rarely talk about it but I know enough to know his name and vaguely how it happened. dp has never felt unwanted and loves his mum and dad to bits and they him. I know a lot of people who have lost a child and felt like they tried to replace the child by having another. But what you really have is a rainbow baby. Someone who brings light and colour after a period of darkness. He won't replace your daughter but he will be your son and help you through things just as your other daughter will do. remember you are allowed to talk to your kids about this when you feel it is right to do so. Help them understand in case the same happens to them as adults. Let them know they are loved and wanted and it will all be okay. Lots of for you xxx

My parents planned on two children, but lost their first child through a late miscarriage. Quite a few years later they had my sister, then me, although I know I wouldn't be here if the first baby had survived.

I don't think it's had any effect on me, other than to occasionally wonder about her and what she would have been like, if she'd have been a better daughter etc. I kind of feel I owe my life to her, in a way.

A psychic once told my mum that she has three children, as the first one watches over her. I think that gave my mum some comfort. As I'm the last survivor, I sometimes wonder if she watches over me, then I give myself a shake and remember that I don't believe in that stuff.

My dh and his ex lost a baby a few days old, they went in to have stepd. She knows about her brother and that if he'd lived they wouldn't have had her, it's just fact and not a reflection in the love they have for her, she knows she's loved, that's all that's important. She's late teens now, so fully understands.

The first time my mum mentioned the baby she lost to me (I'm DC2), she told me she thinks of me as DC1 "coming back for another go." I don't know if that's something she made up for my benefit, but it certainly made me feel that I was very much wanted while also part of the family in my own right, if that makes any kind of sense. My mother is the least religious person on the planet, it definitely isn't about any sort of belief in reincarnation.

Our 4th child was stillborn. We went on to have another daughter 13 months later.
We all talk about the daughter who died but no one has ever treat youngest dd as a replacement. She once asked if we would have had her if dd had lived. I answered as best I could, probably not, but we did and she was and still is our little ray of sunshine who made us all smile (older siblings included) after such a sad time. I always refer to her as that as its true.

Such a moving thread.

Think the term rainbow baby is lovely and positive.

The thread shows its all about providing positive gentle reassuring and open parenting to the children you have and so there should be no issues of hurt.

to all those affected by loss.

I'm so glad you started this thread OP. I have often wanted to explain how this was for me but fear no-one really wants to hear.

I was the replacement child after my sibling died at 6 months.

My mother has told me in the past that she didn't want to have any more children afterwards as she was so devastated but my Dad insisted. I was born under a year after the sibling died.

My mother had in no way been able to process or moved past her grief. As long as I can remember the sibling was talked about constantly. As a very small child I remember pretending to cry and say I missed my sibling (that I'd never met of course) because I thought it would make my mother 'happy'.

My mother has crushed me with her anxiety about my health and safety. I don't know whether she was like this before the sibling died. She's saw the danger in any activity I undertook and was constantly anxious. I suffer from anxiety (and did all through my child hood to lesser degrees) as an adult this manifested in panic attacks and needing counselling. I never suffered from 'not being loved' it was almost a suffocating, over protective love. My parents also did something spectacularly odd when I was a child to do with this sibling which I can't say on here as will thoroughly out me.

I have always struggled with the relationship with my mother. I am angry that the burden of her grief was placed on me and I was required to fix things for her. That is how I felt. I have on occasion tried to express this but of course her grief is always worse than any pain I felt. Which of course, as a parent myself, I can now understand is true so that's that really. Nothing my mother did was designed to hurt me. It just did.

I am genuinely, so glad, to see all the lovely stories on here of children who were unaffected and it clearly is a matter of how your parents were. I am absolutely sure OP that your awareness of this will make sure that it doesn't effect DS.

Shelly

What a dreadful Shame your dm didn't get the professional help she needed at the time. I wonder if any was even offered. Probably not.

I am the mother of the subsequent child.

STBXH lost a son to SIDS. We met, got married, he wanted another child. I was wary and cautious for many reasons but after a year of him asking, I decided to do it. I fell pregnant but miscarried in the first tri. He didn't take it well. We decided to try again.

He is now STBXH because he abandoned me during the pregnancy, stating he couldn't cope. Repeatedly told me the baby wasn't real, that he wasn't interested anyway, wasn't going to contribute. And he didn't contribute. He changed his number so I couldn't get hold of him. Turned up drunk when I was 37 weeks pregnant and screamed in my face. He turned up for the birth after his mother forced him to. When she was 2 weeks old he disappeared on a bender, because he "needed a break". Barely interacted with DD. Last saw her when she was 7 weeks old. She's now 23 weeks and I've not heard from him at all. No clue where he is.

He obviously couldn't cope with having another child and I am so desperately sorry for DD, I have no idea how the fuck I am going to explain any of this to her. Especially because my elder DDs see their Dad very regularly.

That's awful mombie, I suspect he 'may' man up after your dd gets through babyhood and past the age his DC died. Hopefully, he will, for your dd's sake. He'll regret his missed opportunity though.

My dh struggled through both of my pg's, he tried to be involved but he was very nervous, understandably. He had experienced the pain of losing a baby and it is a natural reaction to try to protect yourself from that again. After ds was born and thrived he relaxed and smiled again.