to ask if anyone has experience of being a 'subsequent child', born after the death of an older sibling?

[SaveMeTheWaltz]

Bit of a sensitive topic for AIBU but posting for traffic.

DD2 died at a few days old, after a fatal complication during her delivery. Two years down the line, we have now had another baby, a little boy this time. (We also have DD1, who is now four). This sounds terrible written down, but I am very conscious that DS was only conceived because DD2 had died (not that I would ever admit this out loud). Is this likely to affect him in the future? For those of you who were born in similar situations, do you feel that it has affected how you view your place in the family, how you have turned out as an adult, etc?

Unless you tell them a child will never know how many children you originally intended to have ( not to mention the number of people who only intended to have two and end up having three or more, there's no law that says you have to stick to your original plan .....life or opinions change for all kinds of reasons)

I am cuddling dc4 age 11 months, his sister age 3 died unexpectidly when dc3 was 10 days old. If his sister hadnt died no he wouldnt be here but we took a decision to have another baby as i was fast approaching 40 and i fell pregnant straight away. He will never be a replacement even though he looks exactly like his sister, he is so wanted and so loved and he was just meant to be here, i hope when hes older that he never feels like a replacement because he certainly isnt in my eyes. I have 4 children, my boys i can hold in my arms, my daughter i hold in my heart, all my children are so very precious and i consider myself lucky that i was blessed with 4 healthy children.

Sorry for your loss.

I am the youngest of three children - the middle child, my brother, died after 14 days due to a heart condition. I was born a few years later.

Unfortunately my mother had terrible mental health issues due to the loss of my brother, which manifested a few years later - she had bottled her grief away. I remember her being drunk and cruelly telling me that I was a 'replacement' child, and if she'd had her time over again, she would never have had children. I also remember her being drunk and kindly telling me that everything happens for a reason, and that if my brother had lived, I wouldn't have been born, and I was the daughter she always wanted.

It did affect me - I didn't want kids of my own for a long time, because of the way my mother treated me. It was horrible going through teenage years being told by an angry, drunken mother that I was just a replacement. However, that was more down to the way my mother dealt with her grief, rather than the situation itself.

NC to a name i often use on threads like this. I lost my eldest DD when she was 5 at the shootings in Dunblane. Her sister was 3 at the time. We then went on to have a subsequent DD when she was age 5. She was a complete joy as a baby and has brought us nothing but happiness. However when she was quite young she was heard to say that she was “born to make everyone happy as they were very sad after XX died”. She is now 18 and is very much someone who wants to please. She is also quite detached emotionally. She never makes a fuss about anything. However i have no way of knowing if this would have been her personality any way (she is very like DH in temperament) or if it has been shaped by how she came to be born. She is very much aware that she would never have been born had XX not died. I am nowhere near as close to her as i am to my older DD but she is a different temperament and is much more like me.

I feel like this sounds a bit gloomy but really, she is a gem, she just approaches things very differently to me and sometimes i struggle with that. She also knows that part of her name links her to the sister she never knew and she really likes that.

I would guess that the 3rd or fourth child in same sex families is sometimes the try for one of the opposite sex, just how it is

I have 2 friends who have done this. One lost a baby at a few days old, the other a 5 year old with congenital illness. Both had subsequent children after a gap and the children are their own people, with individual personalities.

I think what I would say is that in any family with multiple siblings, each child is very different. So no child could be a "replacement" because each one is unique. In the case of my friends the deceased children are remembered and talked about, but the youngest children have been able to develop in their own way and have been reassured how much they are loved.

Oops I meant same sax siblings no DPs

A bit different, but i am the older sister of a brother who was born after my other younger brother died as a baby.

He was definitely bought up differently along side my sister and I. He was born a year after our brother died and has always been the favourite child by miles, he was (understandably) wrapped in cotton wool and much more precious than us. My mum admits it too, even down to photos on the wall, there are none of my sister and I. Its never caused any problems though, it's more of a family joke about her having a favourite child.

By some stroke of luck, my brother is totally unaffected by it, he could have been spoilt and selfish but he's not. He's a throughly decent man. Treating him like hes something special though filtered down to us and both my sister and I make the effort to go over when he's visiting my mum (he moved away), and he's favourite uncle to our children even though we don't see him very often.

(my mother went on to have other children too, but none have ever been treated like this specific brother)

Im very sorry for your loss

Im so sorry for your loss.

I was born just over a year after my elder sister (herself a 'rainbow' baby after several miscarriages) died minutes after birth.

My parents have always presented her as part of our family - they lost my sister. I remember once saying to my mum that if she'd survived they wouldn't have had me. My mum thinks she would have had me too.

What I took away from it was how fundamental their love for their children was. That felt like a good thing. I never, ever felt excluded.

It really hit me though when I had my own & I was suddenly desperate to hug my mum.

My daughter was born in the November following on from her brother being stillborn in February. He was 26 weeks, and we had no idea why he died. At the 6 week check up at the hospital with the consultant, he told us to go home and try again when we were ready....I don't think he meant that night somehow but I knew if i didn't do it straightaway I never would. The pregnancy was a nightmare, I had more or less daily doppler scans from 24 weeks on and was a nervous wreck before having a c-section at 36 weeks. Our darling girl was born crying and she's always known that she was our special gift, the baby that her brother sent us and she's never had an issue with it. In fact her 2 sisters (one older one younger) call her the princess as she can never do any wrong!! She knows all about her brother but in absolute honesty, they have all admitted it's sad that he died but it's never really affected them in much of a way. And I'm glad for that, it's bad enough that I carry the pain and I'd never have wanted it for them. Kids are far more resilient than we credit them for, and it's only when things are hidden/not talked about that they become an issue. We have a photo of our son in our bedroom and they've grown up looking at it with us and asked far more questions as children than they do now as adults. It's just our family and who we are xx

I purposely haven't read the thread, I'm sorry. Our daughter died the day before her first birthday and we went on to have twins after this. We had 'completed' our family with our daughter but she left a huge gap-and we didn't want our eldest child to be an only child. I know the struggle you feel, but, now that all of our children are older (not yet adults) it's a conversation that we have had on numerous occasions. Our eldest child remembers his sister and talks about how loved she was, the first time he pushed her on the baby swings, him remembering her coming home and so on (he was four). He can also remember her death and the pain of it for all of us; he is very matter of fact with the twins that they brought back the happiness to our lives and although they never replaced their sister, they keep her memory with us, as does our son. The only thing that has ever worried us before in this very heartfelt explanation-given by our eldest with no prompting from us-is that it sounded to us as though he felt that he couldn't make us happy himself. This wasn't the case at all but we grieved not only for ourselves as parents but for the fact that we wanted him to be a big brother. He, for his part, says that he was unhappy himself without his sister, even though he was so small, and his new siblings brought as much happiness to him as to us. We went on to have one more child after this but she was a very happy surprise-who knows if she would have come along without the loss of our first daughter?

I suppose the important thing for me is just that you keep the dialogue open between all of you and, as the questions come, you answer them honestly. Your heart will never fully heal, but we found that our new babies did help us to glue the cracks together. Much love to you OP.

So sorry for the loss of your DD, OP. I'm the youngest of two living siblings, my parents had another baby before the two of us who didn't live long. They must have explained this to us in basic terms as young kids as I always remember knowing this, and they told us things like her name, and what had happened (premature birth), which I was glad they shared with us.

I do sometimes think about what my poor parents went through, especially now I'm expecting my first...but neither of them like to dwell on it. I seem to remember expressing sympathy as a kid and them telling me not to worry about them, after all, if it hadn't happened they wouldn't have had me along to love, which seemed perfectly sensible way of looking at it! It certainly hasn't affected me as an adult.

I'm one, born 11 months after the brother who died at a few days old. My parents have quite openly said that if he'd lived, they would never have had any other children (he would have been very profoundly disabled).

My younger brother is possibly more affected in a way, as they share a name - I still can't see why our parents did that.

So sorry for the losses of everyone on the thread.

I'm sorry for your loss. On reading this thread it's occurred to me that my grandma lost a baby boy after she had my aunt. She then went on to have my dad. No more children. It's never occurred to me that my dad wouldn't have been born if my grandparents hadn't lost their second child. I am not aware that it's ever occurred to my dad either. I don't think it has to be a problem - as long as they know you love them and don't make loads of comparisons are talk about 'what ifs'.

Oh gosh. This was the case with us. Honestly though, I haven't ever thought about it. As a child, the death of our siblings did overshadow our upbringing and, yes, I suspect we'd never have been born if they hadn't have died.....but I don't think we ever questioned it. It was obvious that we were loved, and I don't think we ever felt like 'replacement' children.

If I was to say it had had any effect at all.....I suspect it's just that we perhaps value our lives more than some other people I know i.e. deliberately search out happiness and experiences, because our parents have instilled in us the idea of the brevity and uncertainty of life. But that could also just be a coincidence- and loads of other people are like that too.

Sorry for you, OP. Good luck in the future.

I was born (prematurely) after my mother had had several miscarriages. I have one older brother. I never remember thinking (and indeed perhaps never thought it until now!) that I would never have been born if she hadn't had several miscarriages. All I ever remember thinking/hearing (given that I was very premature and in an incubator) was just that she was very, very happy I had survived, which apparently was quite rare back then given my extremely low weight at one point.

Indeed, the few times my mother has talked about her miscarriages, it was never thinking that if those babies had survived, I wouldn't be here, but just how sad she still was about them (because back in those olden days, women were just supposed to get over it and forget, whilst dad went out and buried the tiny body in the back garden. She was never allowed to mourn).

I suppose my thoughts when I was younger were always that she went through an awful lot to have me, and so always really, really wanted me!

DH had a younger brother who died at a few hours old. His sister was born a few years later. As far as I know it wasn't something she thought about very much growing up.

I have a friend whose mum had a late miscarriage in her second pregnancy. They later went on to have another child but have never told him about the baby they lost (only my friend knows and says her parents only wanted two children).

It entirely depends on how it's handled. My brother died in an accident aged 11, and I was born a year later, into a family with two parents who were still (obviously) devastated, and two very traumatised teenage sisters. Apparently my mother was advised to have another baby. It was always clear to me that I was a replacement, the baby who was meant to make everybody happy again. Hell of a burden to lay on a child, and I've had trouble with boundaries and people-pleasing all my life. Both of my sisters went badly off the rails, my Dad turned to drink - it was all horribly dysfunctional. I was often told that 'I was the only boy they had now' - in fact, I'm pretty glad I was a girl, as otherwise the comparisons and expectations of me might have been even more direct. I'm still glad to have my life, but I think in that instance they made the wrong decision. They should have concentrated on the children they already had.

But OP, your situation is completely different. My family was a screwed up nightmare to start with. Also I was born as a deliberate and planned replacement, to 'make things better'. And you sound emotionally aware and tuned to the needs of your children, which makes absolutely all the difference.

I think it's always going to depend on the behaviour of the parents and how they handle it.

My DB was born a year after mum had a late miscarriage. At no time has he ever been treated as a replacement, just loved for himself.

Your DS was conceived because you wanted to grow and love another life and help you heal from the heartbreak and horror of losing your DD2. Pretty awesome reason, considering many other children are conceived:

• By accident
• During a one-night stand
• Because a pill was forgotten
• To keep a partner
• To have a baby of a different gender

I think your reason is beautiful. Your DD is very lucky to have you as a parent. I would be proud if I knew I had been conceived similarly.

Not sure I qualify but my dad and his first wife adopted a baby who later died, I think she may have been around 18 months. Their relationship broke down and my dad met my mum and had me! I was always loved but did think that if that baby had lived I would not have been born. That's just life though, fate or whatever you want to call it! I later found out that my mum had an abortion after me, I so wish I had a sibling...and always wondered why, I have my suspicions that there was some doubt over if it was my dads or not.

I'm so sorry your baby died, it is truly a devastating loss. I lost my DS2 full term, he was stillborn. Nearly 3 years later we had another boy who is now 5. I don't think we treat him any differently because of it, he is very much loved and is a happy child. We have conversations about DS2, he understands that we will always be sad that he is not here but that it is ok to be sad. He asks if we would be sad if he died (yes, not always easy conversations!) and we tell him we would be very sad and we will love him forever, just as we do DS2. But I do remember lots of conflicting emotions when he was tiny, it is so very hard to both mourn a baby and nuture another at the same time. DS3 didn't heal the pain (but that becomes more gentle over the years) but he did gives us back a much needed balance in our lives.

Congrats on the safe arrival of DS1, when he is older there is a lovely book called "Someone Came Before You" which is a story for your rainbow baby, to explain how sad you were but how the angel baby worked and worked and stretched your heart big enough to fit another baby in. It does end that you do still think of that special someone who came before you. (If you want one and can't find it please message me and I will post one). Much love to you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. I think you need to try to 'rethink' your feelings. My sister had a third child after the loss of the second. I don't think for one second they thought of my niece as a replacement for my lost nephew.

Look at it this way; you and your DH wanted another child to 'complete' your family. Unfortunately, that child did not survive. But you and DH still wanted more than one child, so you conceived another child. You didn't conceive DS as a 'replacement', you conceived him for his own self, because of your desire for another child in and of itself.

I hope that makes sense, it's kind of muddled.

My brother and I both have a certain experience of this. My parent's first child was a stillborn DD. My DB was born exactly a year to the day after she was delivered, and I was the DD that followed a few years later. My DB had to share a birthday with a sibling we'd never known, and our Mum was always sad on his birthdays thinking about her, and I felt like the replacement daughter who wouldn't have been needed if she'd been born. My Mum and I are incredibly close now though so I wouldn't say it's affected our relationship long term.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was born after the death of my parent's third child, they probably wouldn't have chosen to have another if he hadn't died. But I don't feel too negatively affected from knowing that, I don't take it personally at all. They didn't dwell on my brother - didn't compare me to him at any stage, and I just accepted it as a pragmatic decision that there were just enough family resources for three dc, and the fact that he died meant there was room for me to appear. It never made sense to me to take it personally because they wouldn't have known what kind of personality I'd have when they made that decision iyswim.