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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it supposed to be this hard?

67 replies

sleepyhippo · 17/07/2016 15:58

Just the pure relentlessness of babyhood really.

I find it really really tough. Baby never seems happy! I try my best but I don't seem to get it right! We went to ikea today, babe was well rested, fed, clean and comfortable. But he still managed to have a screaming fit halfway round the stupid fucking show maze and we ended up just leaving. I'm aware babies aren't robots and of course can have off days but I can't see what more I could have done to try and make him happy. I've taken him to the doctors and they just say he's teething. He's hard to get to sleep, wakes up in the night still (don't really mind this too much and expect him to do so for a while longer!!) but I don't really enjoy it very much. All I see is women with babies looking gorgeous, the babe is asleep in their pram, they're having a lovely lunch or whatever they're doing and they just make it look so easy!

So what is it? Is my baby a little bit difficult? Is he just a normal baby and I'm just shit at coping? Is it a mixture of both?! Right now I can't imagine going through this again! He's so loved and wanted, but it's so hard!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 17/07/2016 16:03

How old is your baby? It is hard, remember you don't see what goes on for other people, you only see the good bits.

When my baby or now child is crying, I just imagine everyone else is thinking thank goodness it's not mine this time! And are sending you sympathy.

It's not easy, my son very rarely slept in the pram or pushchair, although he is great at sleeping at home, so I rarely did the lunch thing.

Ham69 · 17/07/2016 16:10

Both mine were like this as babies. It feels like it's never going to end but I can promise you it really does get so much easier. Neither of mine slept, were picky eaters, I could never put them down and car journeys were horrific. I look back now and, although I miss small aspects of babyhood, are so glad those days are over. Is it possible your DC could have silent reflux? How old is he/ she? I look at parents with sleeping babies and think wow, how did you do that?! I love their ages now though and they are easy(ish) children so unsettled babies don't mean they're going to be tricky toddlers/ children. Quite the opposite in my experience.
Good luck and take things a day at a time. Oh, and wine helped a lot!

OhHolyFuck · 17/07/2016 16:11

Sometimes they're just arses, usually when you'd most like them not to be. Some parents don't really like babyhood and prefer when their child can walk or talk or leave home
Some babies don't like being babies either and are much happier when they can move around, that tends to help the sleep too as they can properly wear themselves out
It might be teething, how old is he? Do you have bonjela/calpol/teething powder just in case?

Original poster
sleepyhippo · 17/07/2016 16:11

He's 4 months. Just thought I'd feel a little more in the swing of things by now if you know what I mean? I'm through the exhausting newborn bit and should be settling into my new life. But still feel like I'm not used to it and not settled! And when I can't make him happy just feels rubbish, when I put every ounce of energy and strength I have and still can't seem to get it right. Then I feel bad for not enjoying him and wishing time away! Ahhhh can't win!

Thanks for your response!

OP posts:
SpeakNoWords · 17/07/2016 16:11

You only see the sleeping babies because all the others have been taken home! Seriously though, your baby is normal. They can't be content and happy all the time, tbh I'd worry if they were. The only way of expressing themselves is to cry, after all. Try not to stress about it, and give yourself a break.

AdelindSchade · 17/07/2016 16:19

I found the baby stage a nightmare. Everything after that was much easier. Some people do have an easier time of it but they'll probably have something difficult later on that you will sail through. Hang in there Flowers

AdelindSchade · 17/07/2016 16:21

4/5 months is difficult because there's major developmental stuff and brain development going on

Mommym24 · 17/07/2016 16:28

I have a 4 month and it is tough. Those ladies having lunch with happy babies are just the lucky ones lol. I'm sorry but all babies are hard work and my dd 4 can do her own thing for some of the day so it's easier but then she can be difficult in other ways but once they get able to sit up and enteral rain themselves it gets better

CatNip2 · 17/07/2016 16:28

I didn't enjoy the baby stage either, didn't mind tantrum toddlers and love teenagers but babies are just soooo hard, for me, with little reward.

LizzieMacQueen · 17/07/2016 16:30

Ikea? I wouldn't even try that with older babies.

There's nothing wrong with you or your baby you just need to adjust your expectations.

Hope you can enjoy some rest this afternoon.

GottaCatchEmAll · 17/07/2016 16:30

4 months is a very unsettled time. I have 3 and 2 were very colicky and unsettled. Things improved by 6 months of.

I doubt its you. Some babies are more settled than others and its purely luck. Learn to develop a thick skin with regards to crying. Only leave if its prolonged or an unsuitable place like a funeral. Babies cry. It seems like every other baby in the world is happy but you don't see them at 2am in the morning or screaming in their car seat in the way home from Ikea.
My sons preferred a stretchy sling at 4 months rather than a pram and were much happier upright than horizontal.

specialsubject · 17/07/2016 16:31

I think it must be a bit rubbish being a baby, which is why we don't remember. Your stomach hurts a lot but you can't rub it, you can only make one noise and you can do nothing for yourself. You rely on others to do everything for you and they have to guess what the problem is. They often get it wrong and all you can do is keep howling.

You can only go a few hours between meals, regardless of the light situation. In addition you don't know that if you calm down and get some sleep you'll feel better.

before a certain age you can't amuse yourself and even your head is too heavy to shift. A bit later you start growing teeth and that hurts too.

who'd be a baby?

deathtoheadlice · 17/07/2016 16:32

you can't judge by a trip to ikea. ikea is a terrible place to get through with a baby. i'd have been absolutely amazed if either of mine had ever managed to time their sleep so perfectly as to line it up with a journey through ikea's maze!
And I don't think mine were particularly difficult babies - dd1 was hungry all the time and didn't nap much, dd2 napped better but didn't sleep as well in the night, and both of them would have wanted to hang off my chest at least twice during the length of any ikea trip, and 3-4 times counting the journey there and back. neither were ever happy just riding along in a buggy while i shopped or anything like that. it really does get so much better.

GottaCatchEmAll · 17/07/2016 16:32

My youngest was one of my unsettled babies and he's well known at school for being smiley and chilled out. Grumpy baby does not equal grumpy child.

IAmNotAMindReader · 17/07/2016 16:38

My DD didn't stop screaming till she was 6 months old. It nearly broke me and DH. She only fell asleep out of exhaustion, the rest of the time it was hell. Our ears rang constantly, we were shattered and slept in shifts to try to get some respite.

In contrast, my Ds's were all wonderfully chilled out.

It does get better.

DD is now a wonderfully loving child, still willful and headstrong but her heart's in the right place.

LucyLocketLostIt · 17/07/2016 16:41

I feel like that in IKEA as well.

Noonesfool · 17/07/2016 16:45

I came to the conclusion that all the women with sleeping babies were drugging them.

It's relentless. Mine did not sleep. Or it seemed that way. He fought naps. I seemed to be endlessly feeding him. We co"slept". I had him in a permanent sling, not because of "attachment parenting" but because it meant I could go and walk outside without being yelled at.

Now, he is a loving, opinionated, kind little boy who is secure enough to explore the world, bringing the messiest bits back into the kitchen to show me.

It's hard, OP. But it does get easier. Then it gets wonderful.

eddielizzard · 17/07/2016 16:47

sympathies. one of my dd's i reckon hated being a baby. nothing physically wrong (bad sleeper of course), but permanently frowned and didn't seem to enjoy very much. it got much better as she got older and i think it's because she understood more and had more control.

this time does pass. i also felt like an imposter, an unnatural mother. doesn't matter. head down, plug on. Flowers

Original poster
sleepyhippo · 17/07/2016 16:49

Okay I get the ikea thing!!! I don't particularly like it either!!!! I was just giving it as a example really, as I've had a shitty day, it was husbands idea anyway so I'll blame him Wink

Thanks all, I know it will get better and I will enjoy it more, it's nice to know I'm not alone

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 17/07/2016 16:50

Completely normal - my ds was only ever happy at home - I gave up trying to take him anywhere. He's 10 now and still prefers being at home to being in IKEA lol!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/07/2016 16:53

Have you tired a sling? Mine seemed to be abit more patient when I had to go shopping when they were higher up and could see faces better. My first two I could hardly go shopping (just grocery shopping) as they'd cry, I brought toys and snacks talked to them but nada worked for long, whereas my DD seems to be happy enough that I can actually browse!

Personally I think it's luck of the draw.

Eminado · 17/07/2016 16:55

You only see the sleeping babies because all the others have been taken home!

THIS!!!!
Hang in there, it gets so much better.

Absofrigginlootly · 17/07/2016 17:00

My DD was like that, never slept, cried a lot, wanted to be held and upright always, hated the pram! Had to carry her in a sling everywhere we went, BF constantly (and I do mean constantly for the first 4/5 mo this and then every 2 hours until she was about 11 months old. Everyday ended in a 2 hour long nap screaming meltdown until she was about 10 months old. Did not sleep in her cot until about 10 months either - wanted to sleep ON me until 5 months, then had to sleep with boob in her mouth all night until about 10 months and we still cosleep at 20 months (cot is open on one side against mattress on the floor).

She had silent reflux and cmpa and soya allergies. It got better around 5 months when the omeprazole kicked in properly but it was hell!

She got happier once she could crawl and walk. I taught her baby signing so she can communicate her needs which helps.

BUT even when the reflux and cmpa was sorted she is still very 'high needs' and intense. It's just her natural temperament. Some babies are just born that way.

She is so funny and serious and cautious and shy and lovely and throws herself fully into everything she does and I wouldn't have her any other way!!

Google Dr Sears high needs baby for some tips.

Make sure silent reflux is ruled out.

Accept your baby isn't one of those easy, chilled out types and adjust your expectations and everything will get better.

Sounds like you're doing great Flowers

1AngelicFruitCake · 17/07/2016 17:00

My baby is the same age and exactly the same. Feel like I'm walking a tightrope when we go out of 'will she scream/will she be calm?' I see these content babies sleeping endlessly and feel exactly as you do!

Absofrigginlootly · 17/07/2016 17:02

*2 hour long screaming meltdown.... Not sure where the rouge 'nap' came from....

Naps?! Pah! Don't get me started...