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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it supposed to be this hard?

67 replies

sleepyhippo · 17/07/2016 15:58

Just the pure relentlessness of babyhood really.

I find it really really tough. Baby never seems happy! I try my best but I don't seem to get it right! We went to ikea today, babe was well rested, fed, clean and comfortable. But he still managed to have a screaming fit halfway round the stupid fucking show maze and we ended up just leaving. I'm aware babies aren't robots and of course can have off days but I can't see what more I could have done to try and make him happy. I've taken him to the doctors and they just say he's teething. He's hard to get to sleep, wakes up in the night still (don't really mind this too much and expect him to do so for a while longer!!) but I don't really enjoy it very much. All I see is women with babies looking gorgeous, the babe is asleep in their pram, they're having a lovely lunch or whatever they're doing and they just make it look so easy!

So what is it? Is my baby a little bit difficult? Is he just a normal baby and I'm just shit at coping? Is it a mixture of both?! Right now I can't imagine going through this again! He's so loved and wanted, but it's so hard!

OP posts:

Piemernator · 17/07/2016 17:03

I hated the baby stage and went back to work early, I now have loads of time for teen DS, he is really interesting now.

I used to chuck him in a rigid framed backpack and just went out a lot.even signed up for two courses so I could have two mornings with adults that would never talk about babies, hated baby groups.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 17/07/2016 17:08

Sometimes it IS easy
but sometimes the ones who are trying hardest to make it look easy, are the ones stuggling the most

and, when it is easy, its just down to pure pot luck, not parenting. That's why the same parents can have an "easy" baby followed by a very hard one or vica versa

FindoGask · 17/07/2016 17:09

My eldest was the same at that age. I couldn't understand how other mums and babies managed things like music groups and baby massage and stuff. I knew mine would be wriggling and crying the whole way through. She was never still, and never seemed to be relaxed unless she was asleep (which luckily didn't seem to be a problem for her). So you're not the only one. My second daughter was a chilled out buddha baby and the difference was night and day.

Idiotxit · 17/07/2016 17:15

There's never a right age to take kids to Ikea. Or a partner/spouse.

Run in alone. Grab the shelf/candles/picture frames that nobody, anywhere, needs, cram 7 Danish pastries in your mouth and take home a bag of frozen meatballs and crayfish, jam them in the freezer, making sure that they fill an entire freezer box and ignore them until shortly after the expiry date, then bin them.

That's how to do Ikea.

AvaLeStrange · 17/07/2016 17:23

You're getting towards the end of the shitty bit ime.

At four months, there were glimmers of DD turning a corner, and over the following 4-6 things improved on a pretty much daily basis.

It is bloody hard to begin with though, my DD was also loved, wanted, and planned for but I hated the newborn stage.

CPtart · 17/07/2016 17:28

I didn't enjoy babyhood either so I went back to work p/t when they were 4 and 5 months and felt so much better. If they were being grouchy or difficult then someone else could just deal with it for a few hours and I could switch off from the monotony of it all. It really saved my sanity.
It does get easier from about 18 months IME. By the time they reach 3 it's a piece of cake!

Mummydummy · 17/07/2016 17:31

My first child was very cryey. She had reflux and after nearly every feed threw it all up - I had very sore nipples and breast feeding was agony (I have no idea why I carried on so long). She hardly slept at all. I felt that everyone else had calm and happy babies and that people could see how unhappy I was and that I wasn't a good mother. I felt very isolated.

It can feel like it will never get better, but it does. And in a few months you will look back and realise how much things have improved. And as their personality starts to emerge the joy and fun of them starts to outweigh the weary hard work of being a mother.

So please don't lose heart. All babies/toddlers will go through a difficult phase at some point - no one just waltzes through perfection. But they are just phases and if you soldier on things will improve.

However if you do think you are a bit depressed please do go and see the doctor and get some support. I think I was and didn't realise it.

My cryey baby - and she was a terrible two as well - is now the sweetest, breeziest 16 year old any mother could hope to have. Absolutely the sweetest soul alive.

MessyBun247 · 17/07/2016 17:32

My DD2 will be 6 months next Sunday. I found month 4 by far the hardest! She needed constant entertaining, carried about all the time, still feeding a lot etc. She's always been very alert and just seemed so frustrated that she couldn't do what she wanted. I was fucking EXHAUSTED, trying to keep her happy all day.

Over the past few weeks she has started getting gradually a bit better, and I'm starting to enjoy her now, whereas before it was just one hard slog. She's been sitting up for a week now and is now happy to entertain herself for short periods. And generally she hardly cries at all now unless tired/hungry. Don't get me wrong, she's still demanding and isn't one of those babies who is just happy to lounge around and watch the world go by. But I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It will get better

geekymommy · 17/07/2016 17:33

I never really felt "settled" with either of mine as babies. As soon as we seemed to be settling into something, some new developmental milestone would hit and things would change.

Timetogrowup2016 · 17/07/2016 17:33

Dd is five months and exactly the same.
Has gotten better over the last few days though as she has learnt to grab her own toys on her play mat ans amuse her self for ten minutes.
I'm sure it'll get better when she can sit, crawl, walk etc.
I think she's frustrated that she can't do anything yet! She so wants to be on the move

bigkidsdidit · 17/07/2016 17:37

One of mine was like this. He's now incredibly chilled out and happy (he's 5). My perfect baby turned out to be a very hard work toddler indeed...
It passes

GuestTiger · 17/07/2016 17:44

I found 4months a really difficult age. I was constantly exhausted and frustrated and spent much of each day crying because whatever I did DS didn't seem happy, he grizzled and cried most of the time. He was only really happy in the sling, which was tiring. I used to look at other babies in prams and feel so jealous! Then around 6months he just became happier, I think it was when he could sit independently and play with toys. He started smiling and laughing at everyone, even enjoyed the pram, and suddenly I was surrounded by strangers saying 'ahh what a happy baby' wherever I went and cooing over him

At 10months everything is a lot more fun, and he goes to nursery part of the week so I feel like I get a break. I love going to work and feeling productive, having a break from the cycle of nappy changes, mopping up sick and trying to entertain him!

So take heart, it's a phase and you'll be into the next phase before you know it. I didn't really enjoy the early months, I was a mess and getting by on 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night. But oddly some of the mums I befriended at baby sensory said later I seemed to 'have it together' because I 'always seemed calm and wore nice clothes'... so appearances can be deceptive! A lot of the mums you think are getting it right may be struggling behind scenes.

My advice: get out as much as possible, chat to other mums, and don't worry about not enjoying it. The early months are exhausting and difficult. This too shall pass!

Original poster

sleepyhippo · 17/07/2016 18:30

Thanks so much everyone, you're all making me feel so much better. I think it's just at this stage the exhaustion is kicking in for me! My mum had him for us on Friday as we had a wedding and she said how lovely and easy he was when we collected him! Hadn't cried all day, she went about as usual etc, so that just made me feel worse! But I suppose she is more experienced than me!

I see little glimmers of his personality already and I can't wait to enjoy him.

I think I set the bar too high, expect to do this that and the other, don't want to sit in the house all day, want to savour this time but maybe I just need to get real a bit and stop forcing myself to enjoy it and just accept that I don't!

This muggy hot weather doesn't help either, it's pissing him off I think!

OP posts:

Beth2511 · 17/07/2016 18:35

My 20 month old was one of those sleeping content babies whilst in public between 0-13 months. The last 6 months she has been a screaming, tantruming toddler who cant be taken anywhere. Swings and round abouts!

GeordieBadgers · 17/07/2016 19:53

Do you think dad's find it as hard as mums? I was talking about this thread with a dad today and I swear he said the baby stage was "bliss" and "fun".

WTAF!

MrsPeel1 · 17/07/2016 20:11

As many others have said. It is really fucking hard. Even some of the strongest women I know have been brought to my knees by it.
My firstborn (DS) was a hellion baby. Second born girl, totally different. People say that it's because I'm more chilled out. NO, it's because DS was fucking difficult.

I don't believe that there's a one size fits all solution. I think you muddle through til you find what works for you. YY to getting your child checked out, defo talk to you HV about everything (they get a bad name but mine have been nothing but brilliant).
But most of all, don't let anyone make you feel bad. The best advice I was given sounds trite but struck a chord for me - comparison is the thief of joy. I guarantee every happy mother you see has blubbed behind closed doors.
Hang in there. But ditch IKEA!

GeordieBadgers · 17/07/2016 20:14

This thread has brought back so many bad memories for me. The baby stage is wreaked with anxiety, fear and guilt.

MrsPeel1 · 17/07/2016 20:15

Also, my HV said that sometimes babies are less cry-ey with others because they aren't as comfortable or secure. So actually, the crying can just mean that they are more secure with you.

Glitterkitten24 · 17/07/2016 20:23

Yep. I'm standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of wine because I just want peace for 5 minutes (oldest DC is just going to bed now).

I was just pondering this today- my eldest was a dream baby- in a routine at 6 weeks, slept through the night early, fed well, content to lay on mat etc.

My current 14 week old cannot be put down for two seconds. He cries or complains (loudly) if you dare attempt this, in chair or mat. He has suspected reflux and can scream for hours and I can't help him. He is in a sling, on my chest or in my arms for most of the waking day. He won't sleep in his crib and needs to fall asleep on our bed, with one of us lying beside him til he finally falls asleep- usually at least an hour. I can sense my husband is not quite sure what I'm finding so hard- cos when he's here (he's a shift worker so that's not that often) it's bearable, it's when I'm alone with two of them that its relentless, and fucking soul destroying.

I hope I wasn't smug with my eldest but I admit I thought that parenting wasn't as hard as it was made out to be.
I am learning my lesson now that the blissful babyhood the first time was nothing to do with how good a parent I was, just bloody luck. It's hard when the cards don't all fall in your favour.

It's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase....

incogKNEEto · 17/07/2016 20:50

Maybe it's IKEA! Neither of my two youngest have set foot in IKEA yet and they are 7 and 9 it will get easier l promise.

GeordieBadgers · 17/07/2016 20:59

Glitter thanks for sharing. My partner wants more kids. If I could give birth to a toddler I'd do it tomorrow but the baby stage PETRIFIES me.

ocelot41 · 17/07/2016 21:06

Oh babyhood can be hideous. I honestly felt like I was going mad with all the crying and the sleep deprivation. And then the pressure of how this was meant to be a 'lovely' time. Bleurgh. I like kidhood much better. Fortunately, kidhood lasts much longer! OP

mewkins · 17/07/2016 21:09

It is realy hard and with my first when she could crawl and then walk she became happier. With ds he walked later and only now at 2 is he becoming easier. He is still a grump though and neither dozed in buggies without constant bloody jiggling. Thankfully they were good night sleepers though.

I didn't get on with being a mum to babies really. It is sweaty and stressful.

HeyRobot · 17/07/2016 21:17

You say you're through the exhausting newborn phase, but have you had any rest to catch up? Months and months on minimum sleep is really punishing.

GeordieBadgers · 17/07/2016 21:21

And then the pressure of how this was meant to be a 'lovely' time.

THIS.

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