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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my ds try and get a scholarship?

20 replies

swimmingside12 · 15/07/2016 23:36

my ds is 10, will be going into yr 6. he wants to try and get a music scholarship for our relatively close private school. he attends a state school. we cannot afford the fees on a private school... however, if he won the scholarship we will get 15% off the fees and he will get music lessons paid for. the thing is, 15% is really nice, but we still wouldn't be able to afford the fees.

aibu to tell him he cant go for it?

OP posts:

DoJo · 15/07/2016 23:39

Do they offer bursaries?

Original poster

swimmingside12 · 15/07/2016 23:40

yes, but only if your income is low enough and ours isnt. we have enough money to get by but not enough to pay for a private school, iyswim? so it's a tough one, as we don't fall into the bracket that would get a bursary.

OP posts:

Balletgirlmum · 15/07/2016 23:41

You need to be upfront with him about what a scholarship means.

When dd auditioned she knew that we needed at least 40% fee remission. There was another school that we didn't allow her to audition for as we knew their maximum scholarship was no where near enough.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2016 23:44

I don't really understand.

You can't afford to send him, even with the 15% off and you're asking if you would be unreasonable to tell him this?

What other option is there?

VimFuego101 · 15/07/2016 23:47

Of course you should explain it to him.

Could you look at Guildhall/ Royal college Saturday schools or similar?

ErrolTheDragon · 15/07/2016 23:52

I don't understand how he's got the idea of getting this scholarship in the first place if you can't afford the remaining 85% of the fees.

Of course YANBU, it'd be a bit cruel to let him go for it and then tell him he can't go to that school anyway.

Somerville · 15/07/2016 23:53

Well it would be supremely unfair to only tell him that you couldn't afford it after he's been awarded the scholarship. Or are you pretty sure that he won't, but want him to have the experience of the audition, or something?

How talented a musician is he?

Original poster

swimmingside12 · 15/07/2016 23:56

I don't know if I should let him go and kind of hope there are better musicians there, I know that sounds mean but then he can't really blame me!

He is good, he is the minimum entry requirement in 2 instruments, which is grade 4 in piano and violin.

OP posts:

MachiKoro · 16/07/2016 00:10

Be honest with him!
Tell him you will not be paying the fees, even if he passed the scholarship audition.
He is more than old enough to understand that you cannot afford the fees. Have you told him how much they are?
15% + music fees is far more than is offered round here. You also have to be Grade six in 1st instrument...

LockedOutOfMN · 16/07/2016 00:12

Agree with others. Tell him now.

AndNowItsSeven · 16/07/2016 00:13

I would imagine grade 5 students will be aiming for a scholarship. I would still not let him audition though.

MachiKoro · 16/07/2016 00:13

Actually, that is something that really hacks me off. The music scholarships only offer instrument lessons paid for (no fee remission here). You have to be Grade 6 to be of a high enough standard.
Fine. However, in order to be grade 6 standard at age 10/11, how much would your parents have had to fork out on instrumentation lessons?
Parents that can shell out enough for that many lessons (these applicants usually have 2nd and 3rd instruments too) can usually manage fees ok.

How is anyone that is musically gifted but poor supposed to benefit?

Somerville · 16/07/2016 00:17

Depends on the school, of course, but the music scholars at my children's schools were way beyond grade 4 in at least one of their instruments when they started in yr 7. The only exception was a child who played an under-represented instrument which was very much needed by the orchestra.

But if the school isn't particularly musical, then he could get in. Or if they saw something in how he played or his academics or interview that wowed.

If I were you I'd work out the maximum percentage of the fees you could afford, then call the school and have a really honest chat. Ask whether there is any point at all applying if you could ultimately only afford x% of fees with an income of Z.

And once you know, you need to lay it all out honestly for DS. If he's old enough to apply, he's old enough to understand about your financial situation.

purplefox · 16/07/2016 00:19

Why would you put him through that just to tell him afterwards he can't go anyway and it was all a waste of time and effort?

OhWellll · 16/07/2016 00:22

If he got the scholarship can you really not afford it (assuming you made lifestyle cuts and made his education a priority) or is it more that you'd choose not to?

I wouldn't criticise that myself but they are two different things. I know plenty of people who privately educated their children by making personal financial sacrifices and scrimping big time in other areas. It's a personal choice.

If it's the case that you can't pay for the rest of it at all even if you pared back and prioritised educational fees, then it's cruel to let him try. If theoretically you could afford it by suffering hardship elsewhere in terms of your lifestyle and are willing to consider it, that's a different thing.

ErrolTheDragon · 16/07/2016 00:22

I don't get this. If he enters for this scholarship, either he won't get it, which will be disappointing, or he'll get it, be all excited and then you tell him you can't afford the fees so he can't take it anyway, which would be a massive let-down. Why does he even know about this if its unaffordable?

PerspicaciaTick · 16/07/2016 00:23

You've got your fingers-crossed that DS fails so that you can avoid a difficult conversation? I find that quite shocking. You are his parent, you should be looking out for his best interests not just making your own life easier.

Atenco · 16/07/2016 01:28

Do you want to preserve a Hyacinth Bucket image, OP? Why would you not save him the trouble and tell him the reality of your financial situation?

MoonriseKingdom · 16/07/2016 01:47

If you can't afford it even with the scholarship you have to be totally honest with him. If you let him audition you are courting disaster.

Is this just about wanting him to go to private school or is it about his musical talent? If the latter then look for other opportunities. At a similar age my brother got into our city wide youth orchestra. Entry was by audition and he was one of the youngest members. it involved lots of opportunity for performing and travelling.

CaoNiMao · 16/07/2016 06:59

"You've got your fingers-crossed that DS fails so that you can avoid a difficult conversation? I find that quite shocking. You are his parent, you should be looking out for his best interests not just making your own life easier."

^^ This! I am kind of gobsmacked at your attitude, OP. I feel sorry for your son.

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