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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party and wedding

70 replies

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 09:46

So, really not sure about this one so wanted to get people's thoughts.

A while ago i was invited on a hen party at the start of September. The person who's hen it is i wouldn't say we are close friends but i see her socially probably once a month/every other month so I was pleased to get an invite and accepted. In the meantime have spent a considerable amount of money to pay for this hen do (think extended weekend break, various activities planned, fancy dress, the lot). A lot of people have let her down so in total there are now only about 10 of us going.

Her wedding is booked for the start of October and I found out this week wedding invites went out in may. I have seen this person quite a bit recently and no invite.

Now don't get me wrong I never expected to be invited to the daytime ceremony but seeing as she has invited me on the hen party and I am one of the ten people who are making the effort to go and make this a good weekend for her I thought I would be invited to the evening do. To make things worse I know this is a big wedding and the couple have paid for a massive package so its not your small intimate wedding with only a few guests.

I know its your wedding and its up to you who you invite (and normally I am the person who harps on about don't worry about upsetting people and sometimes,within reason, you need to be ruthless and do what you want) but I can't see why you would invite someone to your hen party and not your wedding. AIBU to be a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:
AntiHop · 15/07/2016 09:47

Yanbu at all. She's being really rude.

mouldycheesefan · 15/07/2016 09:49

Yanbu. It's going to be embarrassing at the hen weekend when people are talking about the wedding and you aren't going. Can you check whether something has happened to your invite though before making conclusions? E.g lost in post?

mouldycheesefan · 15/07/2016 09:50

Just want to add that the friends who are not going in the hen night are not "letting her down" as you say, they have perfectly reasonably declined to attend.

Cabrinha · 15/07/2016 09:52

I thought it was perfectly normal to invite people to a hen do who aren't invited to a wedding.
You knew when you were invited to the hen that you weren't invited to the wedding - because surely wedding invitations go out with more notice? So why now are you questioning it?

She didn't know when she did the hen who would come and who wouldn't. Perhaps those not coming also weren't close friends and aren't invited to the wedding? Perhaps they didn't "let her down" but pulled out because it sounds expensive?

I think when you get a hen invitation you choose whether to go based on how close you are to the bride and his much it costs. Not on whether you're also invited to the wedding. YABU!

salsamad · 15/07/2016 09:55

Yes people can invite whoever they choose to their wedding but I must admit PinkDucks that if I was invited to a friends Hen Party then i would assume I was invited to the wedding evening (unless I knew it was small intimate wedding or family only or abroad etc). It seems like you were invited to swell the numbers of the hen do, so no I don't think you ABU.

Hereward1332 · 15/07/2016 09:56

Is it really normal to be invited on hen night but not to the wedding? That's a new one on me.

I always thought you invited your closest friends and family. I wouldn't often ask for an invitation, but it seems mad that you'd not be on the list. Perhaps the bride thinks she did invite you and is annoyed you haven't yet replied

MargaretCavendish · 15/07/2016 09:59

I have heard of it happening but I think it's extraordinarily rude to invite someone to hen/stag do but not to the wedding. YANB even a bit U.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc · 15/07/2016 09:59

I would send her a message and ask her if you are invited or not.

If it turns out you're really not invited, don't go. I wouldn't.

How much money have you already spent on the hen do? Can you recoup this money somehow?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2016 09:59

No it is a really rude and shitty of her, and I think she invited you to make up the numbers, if she really wanted you at both, she would have invited you to the wedding. Why invite to the hen do, at great expense to the person and not the wedding. I would jokingly ask her, where your invite is and see her wriggle out of that.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/07/2016 10:00

YANBU at all- invited to the hen and not the wedding? That is just weird.

Creampastry · 15/07/2016 10:00

Can you cancel?

Magstermay · 15/07/2016 10:02

YANBU, I guess you can't assume you'll be invited but the hen do is heavily related to the wedding and if it's a big expensive weekend type do (as opposed to a piss up in the pub) I would expect only people invited to the wedding to be invited. If you're not close enough to get an invite to the wedding (where she'll probably barely speak to you), why on earth would she want to invite you on a fairly intimate weekend? How strange.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2016 10:03

Why would you invite someone to a hen party (which I always thought were supposed to be for family and close friends of the bride) and not invite them to the wedding? Surely the main topic of conversation is likely to be the wedding? So not very inclusive if you're not going.

Bizarre as well as rude.

CoraPirbright · 15/07/2016 10:04

I think its weird and rude to invite you to the hen and not some or all of a big wedding. However is there any way you can subtly check on this - we recently had a party and 3 of the invitations never arrived in the post so it is entirely possible yours has gone awol. But, if you are not invited, rude and weird.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 15/07/2016 10:05

Maybe the people that have decided against the hen have done so because they aren't invited to the wedding.

It is very odd. The hen is made up of the closest friends, the wedding usually much bigger. I've never been aware of someone invited to the been but not the wedding.

Mummaaaaaah · 15/07/2016 10:06

YANBU at all! I had this happen to me once and was totally [consufsed]. I def only invited close friends to my hen who were of course invited to wedding! Can you get out of it? Think it will be very awkward!

Just remembered I was also invited to an engagement party and not the enormous wedding as well! totally don't get that either.

Cabrinha · 15/07/2016 10:07

Am I the only one that thinks this is normal then?!
I actually wouldn't do it myself, but I've seen it happen and not though anything of it.
Typical hen do not wedding invitees for me are people you get on really well with at work, but whom you don't (or rarely) socialise with.
I can see why people would disagree - my point isn't to argue that it's right - but that it's not unusual.

I don't think cost comes into it - you don't "buy" a place at a wedding by paying for a hen activity! When you get the hen invitation, you decide then whether you can afford it and want to go. Surely you already know at that point that the wedding invitations will have gone out?

Original poster
PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 10:14

Thanks for the replies. Quite reassuring to know im not being over sensitive about this.

You knew when you were invited to the hen that you weren't invited to the wedding - because surely wedding invitations go out with more notice? So why now are you questioning it?

No, I was invited on the hen party around march time. I knew her wedding was planned for October but no invites had gone out at that time.

I take the point about some people cancelling for genuine reasons and some have, however, I know the reason why some of the others have cancelled and to me it does seem she has been let down.

I did wonder if I was invited to make up numbers as well and then I feel doubly miffed! I did also think that conversations over the weekend will be awkward. Maybe at that point she will drunkenly invite me to her wedding Hmm

I spoke to her at the weekend just gone after I knew invited had gone out and did say things like 'so its not long to go until your wedding now, what date do you get married?' And felt I dropped a few hints but nothing! I can't see that she would have posted it. I mean she knows where I live as she's been to my house a few times but she wouldn't know my address if that makes sense? Iv never given her my postcode or anything like that as we live pretty close.

OP posts:
rollmeover · 15/07/2016 10:15

Evening invitations usually go out later than day ones (in case someone declines the day and frees up a space and then someone from the evening list can be "upgraded") It might be that you are on the evening list so will get one in the next week or so.

mouldycheesefan · 15/07/2016 10:16

You are being very loyal to somebody who doesn't even want to invite you to their wedding! The others not going have not let her down, there is no obligation to attend a hen night!
Are you still planning to go?

rollmeover · 15/07/2016 10:16

X post sorry!

LonestarStateOfMind · 15/07/2016 10:16

That is really strange. I also think your invitation got lost in the post. I'm sure the wedding will come up in conversation on the hen weekend so I'd wait and see what happens then.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2016 10:18

God she sounds like she has a skin like a rhino hide. No I believe those who you invite to the hen, are those who are closet to you, who will see you get married, not ones that you don't plan to invite. Yes for whatever reason cost, or not able to come, to make up the numbers, she has probably invited you, and has no intention of inviting you. I personally would would bow out for my own self worth. I do not want to be a big fat goosberry in the middle of chattering ladies talking about the wedding i am not invited to. How awkward is that! And getting excited about the big day, talking about the dress etc.

Hereforthebeer · 15/07/2016 10:20

YANBU

I would have thought she would at least have said to you 'sorry numbers are so tight as i've got such a big family....' or mentioned to you that you weren't invited.. if you see her quite alot.

I have never heard of people being invited to a hen do without going to the wedding. Its even more extraordinary that its no just a night out but a full weekend! I would be asking exactly the same questions as you. Its totally bizarre...

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2016 10:21

When op talked about what date she gets married etc, if she did send and invite, the bride would have said, did you not get the invite, oh it hasen't reached you yet! She kept schtum as she did not invite you and was embarrassed.

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