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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen party and wedding

70 replies

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 09:46

So, really not sure about this one so wanted to get people's thoughts.

A while ago i was invited on a hen party at the start of September. The person who's hen it is i wouldn't say we are close friends but i see her socially probably once a month/every other month so I was pleased to get an invite and accepted. In the meantime have spent a considerable amount of money to pay for this hen do (think extended weekend break, various activities planned, fancy dress, the lot). A lot of people have let her down so in total there are now only about 10 of us going.

Her wedding is booked for the start of October and I found out this week wedding invites went out in may. I have seen this person quite a bit recently and no invite.

Now don't get me wrong I never expected to be invited to the daytime ceremony but seeing as she has invited me on the hen party and I am one of the ten people who are making the effort to go and make this a good weekend for her I thought I would be invited to the evening do. To make things worse I know this is a big wedding and the couple have paid for a massive package so its not your small intimate wedding with only a few guests.

I know its your wedding and its up to you who you invite (and normally I am the person who harps on about don't worry about upsetting people and sometimes,within reason, you need to be ruthless and do what you want) but I can't see why you would invite someone to your hen party and not your wedding. AIBU to be a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:

toadgirl · 15/07/2016 12:02

that's how it feels when even her closest family (sisters) have pulled out and im still going

You sound sensitive, considerate and kind. You sound like the stuff of someone who'd make a good friend.

Not sure this woman will deserve or appreciate that, quite honestly.

handslikecowstits · 15/07/2016 12:07

Why have her own sisters pulled out?

Cabrinha · 15/07/2016 12:13

Do you have a boyfriend and does your friend know him?
It's another reason I can think of: a hen night invitation = one person. But often, people feel a wedding invitation has to be with a "plus one".

Hence the comment I made earlier about seeing this with good work colleagues - genuinely want them on a "girls weekend" but can't afford / don't want to afford double the guests for the actual wedding.
I accept that I'm in the minority here thinking it's fine, but trying to give you another viewpoint.

For me personally it's not an issue.
When I get a hen invitation, I don't think "does she like me enough to invite me to a wedding? Then I'll go". I think "do I like her enough to go to the hen, and can I afford it?"

For a lot of people, high cost multi activity hens are the norm (fine if you know the people you're inviting and it's not going to exclude). So it might not stand out to the bride that she's asking you to spend that much money. And you're not anyway spending it on HER (because of her, but not on her). You're paying for yourself, a weekend away and activities that you'll be part of.

You say it's not about the money, but you brought up the costs. So I do wonder if you would have felt the same if then hen was drinks in town with a sash and a light up penis?

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 12:28

Yes my partner knows both her and her partner, all get on well and socialise together. So it would be a case of inviting us both I guess but its not like they don't know my partner and don't get on well with him iykwim? They see him probably equally as much as me.

I guess it does feel like I'm making a lot of effort for her and spending a lot of money and I would have been less annoyed if it was a one night piss up with inflatable penis's and tacky tiaras. I know it has been my choice to go but now it just feels very one sided. I think I'd be less annoyed if she had just said something along the lines of I would love for you to come on my hen but I really can't have everyone at my wedding. I think it's the fact it's not even been acknowledged yet that's annoying me.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 12:30

Or, she should have just not invited me if she knew I wouldn't be invited to the wedding. That would have been fine with me as well.

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 15/07/2016 12:34

i wouldnt go

if it was me id end up getting drunk and having a go about not being invited to the wedding so friendship over

Choceeclair123 · 15/07/2016 12:46

I wouldn't go either. Sounds like you're going to a lot of trouble and expense for someone who has more than likely invited you to make up the numbers. How are you going to feel when they all start talking about the wedding?

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/07/2016 12:48

YANBU at all, I have never come across the idea of being good enough for the (always expensive!) hen and not the wedding, that's absurd. Smacks of the bride wanting there to be lots of people at the hen so they can look popular on social media, frankly.

I would still go because I'm polite but I would not be bothering with the friendship afterwards.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2016 12:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable either OP. What is this, 'Rent-A-Mob'? It's very crass whatever it is. It sounds as if the bride wants lots of numbers and jollity at her hen do because she wants to be the centre of attention with the wider public, hence the dressing up, etc. and you can't really do that with just one or two.

That's very sad really. You could be attending a girl's night out for the same involvement that you have. If it's not too late to cancel, I would. Let her screech and jump around with her actual wedding 'mates'.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2016 12:54

I agree with toadgirl. And what's that MN maxim again? "Never make somebody a priority for whom you are only an option". Sums it up.

You sound like a very kind, decent person, OP. This woman is crass and not a friend worthy of you. A bit of a user perhaps?

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 13:02

I think I also need to clarify when I say people have let her down, I mean these are people who have said they are going (knowing the cost) and later pulled out for various reasons (some genuine I accept). Not people who said no at the start when they were invited. Don't think i was clear about that earlier. This is why I don't really want to pull out now as I would feel like I'm letting her down. Im also not the kind of person to confront her about this (even when iv had a drink I'm pretty good at maintaining my brain-mouth filter).

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 15/07/2016 13:12

So it might not stand out to the bride that she's asking you to spend that much money. And you're not anyway spending it on HER (because of her, but not on her). You're paying for yourself, a weekend away and activities that you'll be part of.

Again, I bet she is paying some of it for her. I've never been to a hen where the bride paid for her own activities and drinks (including my own, for the record - I'm not bemoaning the practice!).

And to go back to your example - if you want a weekend away with your colleagues then organise a weekend away with colleagues. You'll have to compromise on location and pay your full share. Don't invite them on a weekend away with a load of strangers in celebration of an event that you're not actually willing to pay for them to attend.

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 13:32

Yes, good point I never thought about that! we have all chipped in for the bride. Not a lot I think it was about £20 each so she doesn't put in for the accommodation and activities.

OP posts:

toadgirl · 15/07/2016 13:41

Im also not the kind of person to confront her about this (even when iv had a drink I'm pretty good at maintaining my brain-mouth filter)

Snap! Me too - it can be a good thing. Sometimes, though, I think that one day, when I'm very old, I'll just blow up and a lifetime's stuff will come out. Watch this space

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 14:14

Haha yes possibly. I am one of those people who will have a number of profanities going round in my head but on the surface I will just nod and smile. Maybe that makes me a bit of a pushover but i like to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. I hope when I'm old and don't care anymore I do lose my filter!

OP posts:

Mookbark · 15/07/2016 14:30

I also think it is odd. Out of interest I'm being nosy has your DP been invited to the stag do?

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 14:40

No he isn't invited to the stag but that doesn't surprise me/him. Our DP's are only friends through us so only socialise together when me and said friend meet up - they wouldn't arrange to meet up themselves (if that makes sense). Also, from what I know his stag do is a small event and he's only got his closest friends and brothers going (I think theres about 6 of them going in total). Maybe if he was having a 'big night out' somewhere then DP may have been invited.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2016 15:42

Very weird

Usually close f&f go to the hen do and never been on a hen so where I wasn't invited to the wedding

Hen do - you pay and bride gets lots of people bowing to her

Wedding - bride pays for your food and drink

I think it stinks and personally would say something - but that's me

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 17:44

I don't think I will say anything to her. Maybe she will realise at the hen party that she's forgot to invite me or something! It will be awkward though when everyone's talking about the wedding - I won't know what to say .

If no invite arrives before the wedding I won't confront her but I think I will be reconsidering our friendship - I don't like the idea of being a rent-a-friend when it suits. Thanks for your feedback guys.

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 15/07/2016 17:55

Blokes do this sort of thing, but it's usually a case of a friend of one of the stags tagging along, rather than being invited to the stag but not the wedding. And IMO they usually end up getting an evening invite out of it anyway because they all have such a great time and get on so well.

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