Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Hen party and wedding

70 replies

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 09:46

So, really not sure about this one so wanted to get people's thoughts.

A while ago i was invited on a hen party at the start of September. The person who's hen it is i wouldn't say we are close friends but i see her socially probably once a month/every other month so I was pleased to get an invite and accepted. In the meantime have spent a considerable amount of money to pay for this hen do (think extended weekend break, various activities planned, fancy dress, the lot). A lot of people have let her down so in total there are now only about 10 of us going.

Her wedding is booked for the start of October and I found out this week wedding invites went out in may. I have seen this person quite a bit recently and no invite.

Now don't get me wrong I never expected to be invited to the daytime ceremony but seeing as she has invited me on the hen party and I am one of the ten people who are making the effort to go and make this a good weekend for her I thought I would be invited to the evening do. To make things worse I know this is a big wedding and the couple have paid for a massive package so its not your small intimate wedding with only a few guests.

I know its your wedding and its up to you who you invite (and normally I am the person who harps on about don't worry about upsetting people and sometimes,within reason, you need to be ruthless and do what you want) but I can't see why you would invite someone to your hen party and not your wedding. AIBU to be a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 15/07/2016 10:22

Could you ask her if it's possible for you to watch her get married? I know it's normal if you are getting married in church to accept that people who are t invited to the wedding itself do come to see the actual ceremony. Sometimes if you attend that church people from the congregation come etc even if you don't invite them. Don't know about hotels though.

blindsider · 15/07/2016 10:22

My take is Hen/Stag party is for your nearest and dearest friends. There is no way I would attend a stag party of a wedding i wasn't invited to!!

LagunaBubbles · 15/07/2016 10:23

No it's not normal to invite someone to your hen do and not even the evening do. Very rude.

blindsider · 15/07/2016 10:23

A church wedding is a Public event everyone is 'technically' invited.

MidniteScribbler · 15/07/2016 10:32

I guess you know now why so many people have pulled out of the hen do. They've realised she's a rude bitch.

BlueLeopard · 15/07/2016 10:35

Your her rent-a-friend for the Hen. To ensure she looks popular in the Facebook photos.

BlueLeopard · 15/07/2016 10:35

you are

APipkinOfPepper · 15/07/2016 10:39

That does seem very odd - particularly for a hen do that is an expensive weekend away.

I did invite a few people from work to my hen do but not the wedding - but was up front about the fact that neither I or DH were inviting work colleagues to the wedding and would totally understand if they didn't want to come to the hen do!

toadgirl · 15/07/2016 10:42

You are being very loyal to somebody who doesn't even want to invite you to their wedding

^ This.

MargaretCavendish · 15/07/2016 10:42

Who actually invited you to the hen do? Was it a bridesmaid? I wonder whether they assumed you'd be invited without actually checking with the couple - though if it had been me (as bride) I would have immediately invited you upon discovering this awkwardness!

toadgirl · 15/07/2016 10:43

Your her rent-a-friend for the Hen. To ensure she looks popular in the Facebook photos

Also, this ^^

toadgirl · 15/07/2016 10:44

A lot of people have let her down

I think I'd be joining them..... (although as another poster said, they haven't "let her down", they have very reasonably turned down the invitation).

Underparmummy · 15/07/2016 10:45

Weird. Cancel, get your money back. I wouldn't bother seeing her socially in the future either, life is too short.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2016 10:48

I would not want to watch her get married, that would be awkward, and why should I if I did not receive a formal invite like the others. I don't think op cares much about seeing her 'friend' get married, but why invite me to the hen do, forking out for an expensive weekend centred around me, without inviting me to the wedding. Very rude, selfish. I think that she has asked you to make up numbers. No others have not let her down, her weekend sounds very expensive and not everybody has a budget to match.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/07/2016 10:49

My cousins wife did this. Her hen do was huge but many of them were not invited to the wedding at all. I thought it was odd Tbh.

YANBU. I'd pull out of the hen, why should you pay out loads for someone who clearly doesn't think that much of you? I et others ha e let her down for the same reason. I'd this is how she treats friends then that could be a lot of them are not willing to pay out loads of money and take a whole weekend to go on her hen do (and why is it not a just a hen night anymore?).

willconcern · 15/07/2016 10:50

I get married later this year. The friends coming on my hen do are all invited to the wedding. Most for evening as we're having a small ceremony & family meal followed by BIG party.

MN had me worried that even this was rude & evening invitations were a no-no.

April241 · 15/07/2016 10:54

I've never heard of someone being invited to a hen party and not the wedding. I agree you don't expect a full day invite but an evening invite at least. How strange!

MissBattleaxe · 15/07/2016 11:07

I don't think cost comes into it - you don't "buy" a place at a wedding by paying for a hen activity!

That's not it at all. It's more a bride making up numbers to keep costs of the hen party down but not caring enough for the hen guests to actually invite them to even the evening do.

Diddlydokey · 15/07/2016 11:11

It would depend on the wedding. In your shoes I would be offended as they're not tight on space etc

If it was a registry office and a small meal I'd be less bothered, she is still entitled to a send off from her friends

JakeBallardswife · 15/07/2016 11:12

I think you're right to feel so put out. Id probably cancel my part in the hen weekend if you could?

plipplops · 15/07/2016 11:31

I was invited to a hen do and not the wedding once but it seemed fine - wedding was abroad and only a small affair, and I had never even met the groom. Hen was a good friend of mine, we did a hobby together so saw each other every week, and we used to meet up in the day for coffee. Hen party mostly knew each other (I only knew her) but it was a mix of all sorts of people she knew, and I was really honoured to be asked and had a lovely time.

MargaretCavendish · 15/07/2016 11:33

I think it is a bit about money - what this essentially says is 'I like your company enough for you to come for the bit you pay for (and every hen do I've been to the hens end up paying at least some money to cover the bride, too) but not enough for you to come to the bit I pay for', and I don't think that's ok. For the same reason I'm a bit at the 'big hen do but small wedding' thing being suggested as ok.

EllaHen · 15/07/2016 11:40

My dh has been to a stag do where he wasn't invited to the wedding. And one of my brother's had guys at his who weren't invited to his wedding.

However, I don't think I would go on a hen weekend in these circumstances. You have to drag me on ones I have to go to.

I'd pull out, stating an honest reason. Your feelings are valid.

Alconleigh · 15/07/2016 11:46

I'd find this very odd. I have only been invited on hen dos where the bride is a close friend; the hens are usually a subset of the women invited to the wedding; the closest friends and family. I'd not attend one where I wasn't going to the wedding and would think it bizarre to be asked.

If you're definitely not invited I'd drop out.

Original poster

PinkDucks · 15/07/2016 11:58

Thanks guys I feel like I'm not being totally unreasonable now. I take the point I am being unreasonable about others letting her down although that's how it feels when even her closest family (sisters) have pulled out and im still going, but I accept they may have genuine reasons.

Just to clarify it was the bride who invited me and not the bridesmaids but they are organising it. She's also not getting married in a church so not sure about just turning up, plus I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that anyway.

I am wondering if like another person has said that they've not given out all of the evening invites yet so maybe something will appear over the next few weeks.

Not sure about cancelling, I don't like to let people down at the last minute and strangely I still feel like I should go. I think I would feel petty by cancelling but at the same time I am a little annoyed. It's not about 'buying my place' at the wedding it's more the principle of it. If it was a small intimate wedding and limited numbers I would not have a problem at all. Like someone has said it just feels like I'm good enough to be invited on the big weekend away but not good enough to be invited to the wedding. I personally wont be inviting anyone on my hen who wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3