AIBU use of the word 'lesbian'

[Claireabella1]

Hi all, my DD is 10 and in year 5. She started a new school 2 weeks ago as we moved area. I had a phone call from the head on Tuesday (one week after she started) saying she'd been 'brought to his attention' for her language, I was a bit gobsmacked as I immediately thought 'swearing' which I've never heard from her. The head then goes on to tell me that a group of girls were discussing a particular TV show which DD doesn't watch but she knows I do, if that makes sense. So she knows some character names and plot lines. She was over heard by a teacher saying (in response to another comment from one of her friends) 'oh is that the lesbian couple?' (Referring to a gay couple on the show). The head told me all of this and said she shouldn't be using the word 'lesbian' in school, I asked why he felt that way and he said it's inappropriate, I probably sound like a harridan now, but I asked why he felt it was inappropriate and he said some other children in her class may not know what it means or had any discussion about this sort of thing. I said I appreciate that and will talk to her. He then suggested I ask 'where she had heard that word' this got my back up a bit, I feel like my daughter is being accused of using 'bad language' and she must have 'heard' it somewhere. I told him she knows what a lesbian is because she's asked me before. Fwiw when my children have asked questions like this in the past, I've always tried to tell the truth appropriate to their age. I've gone away worrying that I've got it totally wrong this approach and also concerned by the heads comment that 'some children may not know what a lesbian is' I know they were talking about a TV show, but if there were a child in their class who had gay parents, would they be discouraged from talking about this because some children may not know that some people are gay? I'm probably overreacting, but interesting to see what others think.

Why single out female homosexual relationships with a unique description? There is no equivalent for male homosexuals or for heterosexuals

The correct term for two women in a same sex relationship is 'lesbian' - and is the term used in equality acts and legislation - it's not being singled out at all. The OP's daughter used the correct term. Two men in a same sex relationship are gay or in a gay relationship . There is no need to have a term for two people in a heterosexual relationship as that is considered the norm as we live in a hetero-normative society.

It enables negative connotations to be inferred

What negative connotations? She's using the correct term for two women in a same sex relationship - why would this create negative connotations..

If the head had said you can't describe someone as queer would it upset you?

LGBT - lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender - these are the correct terms to use - the ones found in the Equality Acts and in the legislation relating to discrimination and are the ones recognised by the LGBT community. Some LGBT persons don't mind 'queer' but some do as it DOES have negative connotations. So if the Head had complained about a child using the word 'queer' that would be a very different matter.

I thought the Q was for questioning rather than queer.

I don't necessarily think it would be different even if she'd used queer. The question was wholly unrelated to sexuality, actually. It was an identifier in relation to a TV programme. The response makes out that being lesbian is shameful and to be hidden.

Anyone who thinks we are "beyond" the need for LGBT visibility clearly has very limited experience with being LGBT. I am not straight and until my early twenties lived and expected to always live a lesbian life. Due to being "straight passing" I get to now hear people's secret jokes and weirdness about LGBT people in the strangest of contexts (most often at work). It really hasn't gone away just because there are increased legal rights. However thankfully there are legal rights now and this needs to be challenged.

I think Vashta has also made an incredibly valuable point - what if one or more of the girls are already aware that they are lesbians themselves? Being told that it's an "unacceptable" term is going to be hell for them, as they're going to think they're "wrong" somehow.

I think this, as much as anything, needs to be pointed out to the Headmaster - if he has homophobic tendencies, this needs to be dealt with somehow.

Homophobia!
Why not call Ofsted and ask for advice. And ask school for their inclusion policy. If they don't have one, that's not acceptable either.

Don't forget to point out to him that, as other posters have said, our new Education minister is lesbian. Perhaps she should be banned.

claireabella1

I'm sorry you've had a terrible year 💐

That man is an IDIOT of the worst variety, he should not be in that job and I'd make it my absolute mission to get such an idiot removed from the school system. Our schools & teachers are struggling when they have good heads in place. Heads that don't contain brains need to be replaced.

I know your kids have moved schools a lot and your DD has only been at this one a short time, but I'd get on to it today & move her before the next year starts. I'd explain exactly why I was doing so. She deserves to be in a good school for her senior years, not one with a Head like this - and you don't need the stress of this type of crap. It won't be a one off & any change will take a long time to happen, if at all. If this is what the Head us like I'd be DEEPLY worried about the teachers & the ethos of the school.

I'd go short term pain - long time gain & move her (them).

An old colleague started a programme for schools called Educate Celebrate, your new school NEEDS this

www.educateandcelebrate.org/primary-education/

Could you get a flier or something from them and pass it on to the head:-

"Further to our conversation the other day, I feel like LGBT+ issues make you nervous? I wonder if this programme could be something for you to help you feel more secure and comfortable in making your school safe for all your students?"

It doesn't have to be a war, it can be a teachable moment for the old boy.

What a twat the Head is.

Years ago when I led a Brownie Pack the girls, 7-10 were chatting during craft. They were discussing Eastenders, a storyline involving Sonia when I overheard one saying "they are not lesbians, they are lezzers". I didn't say anything as it was not my place and I didn't know which one it was anyway.

So unless people stop their children, reading, watching tv, asking questions and just keep them "safe" from the outside world, there are going to be a lot of naive and narrow minded adults in years to come. Just like her Head Teacher.

Why should OP's daughter have to move school after all she's been through to get to this one ? This incident is far more likely to end with the HT having to eat his words.

What the actual fuck?
You really need to take this further. With less swearing than I would be tempted to use.
That head is a fucking twat.

This reminds me of my DS junior school. I am a lesbian and he was getting bullied for it at school. I spoke to his teacher in anti-bullying week and asked them to address this. I was informed that they wouldn't talk to the kids about it as they were too young to understand but they would be talking about other kinds of discrimination and bullying.
I pointed out that if they were old enough to bully a child on a specific subject no matter what it was then they were old enough to know it was wrong.
I complained and then I sent many helpful posters and leaflets to the school about how to discuss this issue with the students.
The elderly male teacher ended up explaining that he was uncomfortable with the subject.
If children know the correct words for things and use them appropriately this should not be discouraged at all! Open discussion creates a tolerance that should be encouraged.

I know you don't have the energy for a fight, but please please take this further. The lives and wellbeing of certain kids in that school are at stake.

This is clear homophobia from the head and he should not be in his position. If a boss in a company said something like this then he could be taken to a tribunal. Don't see why a HT is any different.

The fact that he feels he has to 'protect' children from technical, legal words like 'lesbian' is very very worrying, implying he believes there is something fundamentally wrong with it. That is homophobia.

What worries me most is that there will without a doubt be LGBT children and staff in that school. The HT also has a duty of care towards these children, who, especially if there continue to be fuckwits like him around, are going to have a difficult time over the next few years.

I know someone who worked in a homophobic private school where the kids were told it was sinful. She provided a safe listening ear, because primary aged children, already realising they were a little bit different, were crying themselves to sleep over it. That is child cruelty.

LGBT+ people have legal protection and it's there for a reason. Schools are supposed to have an inclusion policy, which should cover LGBT. I would be asking for the policy, and I would be taking this to the governors, the local authority, and OFSTED.

Jeez, is your DD at my son's school? Yesterday my son was bullied by three other boys because his sister is transgendered. They were calling her a 'tranny'. The head emailed saying DS was being mocked about his sister's 'sexuality' and that he had advised DS to keep quiet about her to avoid this.

Perhaps not world war three, but perhaps - in writing - ask the head why he felt the word was inappropriate and how the school addressed non heteronormative realtionships.

I wonder if the assumption made by the head was that your daughter was using the phrase to indicate that the couple were lame in the same way some kids describe things as gay "My headmaster is so gay" meaning lame. In that context ringing you makes sense . If however the school ban words like gay and lesbian completely just because they can be used in that way rather than insisting they are only used correctly then it's a lazy school. Or of course he may just be an idiot.

The school's inclusion policy may be on their website I'd definitely be going to see him with it in my hand.

What does he think is an appropriate noun?

He does know that section 28 has been repealed, right?

I would be fighting this all the way. Perhaps look at the equalitoes commission website for starters.

I think I'd request a meeting with the head and the chair of the board of governors to informally discuss issues relating to "tolerance and respect".

Oh my goodness this is appalling. Please please send the Head my details. Www.diversityrolemodels.org
We are a charity and we offer workshops in primary and secondary schools to enable teachers and pupils to overcome misuse of language like this. I'm a lesbian. What word should my 7 year old kid use to describe me and her other mum??!

I have to have a wry laugh at your use of 'lame' trafalgargirl.

Let me guess: school with large Muslim intake and a couple of difficult governors?

www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/trojan-horse-sparkhill-head-received-9176656

www.theguardian.com/education/2014/nov/11/primary-school-headteacher-attacked-fighting-homophobia

cdtaylor - that wasn't the point the head was making. Also, lesbian is a technical term for a homosexual female. When I was growing up, 'queer' meant odd or unusual and would have been used as insulting slang for homosexuality. I didn't grow up in the UK though, so I may have that wrong.

Jayho - I'm so sorry your son is going through that, it's awful that children are taught to hate. I hope things get better for him.

Thanks all for your responses, I've been told head is not in school today, so haven't spoken on the phone. I'm drafting an email at the moment and will ask for inclusion policy and go from there.

Has he been on MN I wonder ?

As one half of a pair of lesbian Mums you are totally NBU at all. If this had happened to me I would have complained to the LEA/board whatever. That's appalling.

so, if she was being raised by a same sex couple, they would not be allowed to teach her the word lesbian????

The head is mad, it is an entirely correct and appropriate word to use. Now if they had been throwing gay round as an insult , as is done in many schools and is seen to be 'banter' I could have understood it.