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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU use of the word 'lesbian'

103 replies

Claireabella1 · 14/07/2016 23:23

Hi all, my DD is 10 and in year 5. She started a new school 2 weeks ago as we moved area. I had a phone call from the head on Tuesday (one week after she started) saying she'd been 'brought to his attention' for her language, I was a bit gobsmacked as I immediately thought 'swearing' which I've never heard from her. The head then goes on to tell me that a group of girls were discussing a particular TV show which DD doesn't watch but she knows I do, if that makes sense. So she knows some character names and plot lines. She was over heard by a teacher saying (in response to another comment from one of her friends) 'oh is that the lesbian couple?' (Referring to a gay couple on the show). The head told me all of this and said she shouldn't be using the word 'lesbian' in school, I asked why he felt that way and he said it's inappropriate, I probably sound like a harridan now, but I asked why he felt it was inappropriate and he said some other children in her class may not know what it means or had any discussion about this sort of thing. I said I appreciate that and will talk to her. He then suggested I ask 'where she had heard that word' this got my back up a bit, I feel like my daughter is being accused of using 'bad language' and she must have 'heard' it somewhere. I told him she knows what a lesbian is because she's asked me before. Fwiw when my children have asked questions like this in the past, I've always tried to tell the truth appropriate to their age. I've gone away worrying that I've got it totally wrong this approach and also concerned by the heads comment that 'some children may not know what a lesbian is' I know they were talking about a TV show, but if there were a child in their class who had gay parents, would they be discouraged from talking about this because some children may not know that some people are gay? I'm probably overreacting, but interesting to see what others think.

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 14/07/2016 23:59

Maybe you should suggest to the head that he writes to the new Education Secretary for guidance as to whether the word 'lesbian' is a word which shouldn't be used in school?

This, with bells on. (I had to google; I'm American and the news outlets here haven't gone beyond Theresa May and Boris in their new roles.)

I live in the US Bible Belt; I would even be surprised to have this kind of conversation with school principals around here. My 10 year old granddaughter knows what a lesbian is. She also knows what LGBTQ stands for. She knows gay and lesbian people, including some family members.

I think this is worth pursuing. I really would not want my child in a school headed by someone with these attitudes.

TheRealAdaLovelace · 15/07/2016 00:03

" I think this is worth pursuing. "

yes me too, what if she knew that word because you were a lesbian?
What an assumption to make!
I might have been tempted to tell him that I was in a lesbian relationship just to see his silly face.

Claireabella1 · 15/07/2016 00:05

SenecaFalls - thank you, everyone's input has meant so much to me. I'm quite alone and never felt quite so disconnected as after this phone call with the head teacher. I feel less alone now and I'm sure I will pursue it. It isn't ok and these attitudes need to be challenged.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 15/07/2016 00:06

N.B. I think one of the Eagles is hetero, but can't remember which one. It shouldn't bloody matter anyway.

This Head is ridiculous. Awful treating 'lesbian' as if it was a rude word. Not on at all.

toomuchinternets · 15/07/2016 00:07

The conversation he had with you is at best ignorant and at worst homophobic. Please challenge this. Lesbian is just a word like any other. The kids at my son's school think of adults as adults... end of. We've not had a single issue because they've known since day one we're two mums and they were all over it by day two.

GoldBear · 15/07/2016 00:08

Wow! That's awful. If my kids got upbraided for using such a terrible factual word as lesbian in such an everyday descriptive way I would be camping on the headteacher's lawn until they gave in.
And I'm very moderate in my approaches to school!

FuzzyOwl · 15/07/2016 00:11

The headmaster is an idiot. I can understand if the word was being used in a derogatory manner as an insult but lesbian is fine to use IMO.

MilesHuntsWig · 15/07/2016 00:17

Another one here saying YANBU and the HT is escalating completely inappropriately (and also not helping your daughter's move to a new school).

It sounds like you've had a tough year so take it further if you've the capacity!

Claireabella1 · 15/07/2016 00:19

toomuchinternets - I feel like my children's idea of 'normal' is being challenged. They know love is love, regardless of gender or anything else. My usual reaction is 'flight' over 'fight' but my children have moved school so many times as exH is in the army and they have moved so many more times than they should have. I digress, I do want to question this though. You're right, adults are just adults. Children don't care who you love or what gender you are. I really want my kids to stay this way .

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 15/07/2016 00:24

I hope you used the word lesbian as often as possible in conversation with him.

Namechangingbastard · 15/07/2016 00:25

YANBU! Your child has stated a fact. It's not an opinion nor is it objective, offensive or stereotyping.

trafalgargal · 15/07/2016 00:31

What a strange man. Is it a church school by any chance?

I think I'd be writing to the governors and cc in both the LEA and my MP.

SenecaFalls · 15/07/2016 00:32

The teacher who reported DD to the Head also needs some education.

AdjustableWench · 15/07/2016 00:39

Wow. My kids have known words like lesbian and gay since they were very young because I have lots of LGBTQ friends. And now that they're older, one of my kids has come out as gay, and another has a gay best friend (he came out when he was 10).

If there are 10 year-olds who haven't heard the word lesbian yet, it's high time they were educated!

isindecherryblossom · 15/07/2016 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/07/2016 00:41

Good grief. If "lesbian" is a bad word, imagine how they'd fall over themselves in shock and horror if she says "vagina", or, God forbid, "penis".

He needs a reality check, and to be told that homophobia has no place in schools these days. Have another conversation on your own terms (i.e. when you're not in a rush for work) and point all this out to him; and depending on his response, take it further to Governors, LEA, etc.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 15/07/2016 00:42

hill apologies, I'm not certain.

MidniteScribbler · 15/07/2016 00:47

I'd be absolutely furious over this and would take it further. They should be letting children know that many types of relationships are normal, and not taboo. This shit makes my blood boil.

RepentAtLeisure · 15/07/2016 00:50

YADNBU!! 'Lesbian' is not a swear word, and it's not an obscene word. He needs a lesson in being inclusive.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 15/07/2016 00:54

I agree with the basic sentiment - 'lesbian' is no more a 'curse' than 'mummy' or 'daddy' or 'family'.

Ffs.

TopazRocks · 15/07/2016 00:57

Of course a child in Y5 should never use a word that other children don't know! Mayhem might ensue.

Maybe get the head a dictionary as a present?

Ilovecharliecat · 15/07/2016 01:01

The HM sounds homophobic to be. OP you have nothing to worry about.

TopazRocks · 15/07/2016 01:06

It's such a ridiculous notion, it's not actually funny. i can hardly believe we are in the 21st century. And England has a new Ed Sec who is a lesbian. And several other politicians who are lesbian. Blimey! my gob is smacked. Maybe you could ask Justine Greening to have a word.

FuriousFate · 15/07/2016 01:09

Omg, I would so be taking this further. There are two teachers at my DC's school who are a lesbian couple. No one cares. It's not a thing.

The head sounds so so old fashioned at best, hideously homophobic at worst. Bad language is fck or wnk, it's not using the correct term for a gay female!

If I were you, I would send a follow up email to him, copying in everyone I could (ie local authority, Ofsted etc) detailing exactly what was said during your conversation and ask him for a copy of the school's diversity and inclusion policy, their policy on sex education, PHSE info on relationships and how they are taught etc.

VioletBam · 15/07/2016 01:14

What would this man do if you were PART of a lesbian couple!? Go in, demand a meeting and ask him that the twat.