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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Mil aibu

21 replies

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:01

I am a mil to sons and to dds.

I don't expect to have my Grand children on set days or any days.

I don't hate my dils, we get in great and I provide childcare as and when asked.

I don't demand my kids do Christmas or holidays with us, up to them.

I don't undermine my kids or dils or sonilaws and back them up on any child care decision why wouldn't we?

We are a happy unit not tied together but here if needed.

Aibu to think this is unusual? Hope not.

OP posts:

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday · 14/07/2016 00:04

It's definitely not unreasonable, only on MN. Enjoy the cooperative, understanding family that you are a strong part of creating xx

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 14/07/2016 00:06

I wish you were my MIL, Op...

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2016 00:07

Will you be my MIL?

It's 50-50 with us - this is almost exactly what my folks are like, treat DH like a son (I was 17 and him 22 when we got together, so we sort of grew up together - mum says he's the son she never had).

Sadly ILs are quite the opposite

Original poster

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:10

Ah me and dh were 18 too and had our kids young.
Our kids are far more sensible and I'm their 2

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 14/07/2016 00:12

You sound like my MIL. Sadly she's no longer with us but we got on well & she was always supportive. We occasionally had our moments, but on the whole had a very good relationship.

I hope I'll be a good MIL when my boys settle down and have their own partners and families.

Original poster

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:12

Posted too soon. In their 20s. It's so sad to read what horrible things mils/pils put there child's partners through.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2016 00:18

Sometimes it's not just the partners - dh's parents have effectively excluded him from the family for years. As far as they are concerned their family is mil fil and BIL (single) - DH is never considered (even when DH was admitted to hospital very unexpectedly and really quite ill they couldn't be bothered to visit, despite travelling hundreds of miles back to where we live regularly so mil can visit friends)

altiara · 14/07/2016 00:20

My MIL is like you!
They are out there but you can't post on AIBU when your MIL helps you out and doesn't undermine you! so of course mumsnet world sounds skewed.

Original poster

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:20

But why don't people just want their kids to be happy? It's not hard is it?

Me and dh just had a great holiday with our kids and partners and grand children. Yes we 'stole' the grandchildren to build sand castles om the beach for the day and had a ball while our 'kids' had an adult meal out for a change

It's supposed to be fun isn't it?

One of our dils has horrible parents. Really undermining just can't get it.

Hands up for good parents in law i say.

OP posts:

Trooperslane · 14/07/2016 00:21

My parents are dead (young - too young)

My MIL is amazing. Helpful, non judgmental and amazing with DD. I love her to bits.

Original poster

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:22

Ohfour

Bloody awful behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

hastheworldgonemad · 14/07/2016 00:25

Troop that's good hearing

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2016 00:40

Ive just cried at the thought of having lovely ILs

I'm so, so jealous of those of you with lovely, close relationships and a loving family bond. It's not fair - I want that

Please, those of you that have, treasure what you have. Spread the love, and teach your children, in- laws, grandchildren, great grandchildren, neices, nephews, what it is to be part of a loving family. Give them the knowledge, tools and desire to have wonderful relationships with extended family by setting a fabulous example of what can be shared.

AldrinJustice · 14/07/2016 01:27

You sound amazing but that's how it should be!!

Absofrigginlootly · 14/07/2016 01:52

ohforfoxache your post just made me feel all tearful!

I know exactly what you mean and feel the same

Both my Parents and PILs are difficult, actually gone very very LC with PILs at the moment because of boundary crossing and refusal to apologize/treat me with respect.

I am also not close to my sibling and DDs cousins are much much older than her (and we live abroad).

My heart often aches and feels very heavy for her. I wish we both had easy, loving families and grandparents to offer her. I just hope that DH and myself can be enough

AdjustableWench · 14/07/2016 01:57

You sound like my MIL. She's amazing. She's always been extremely kind to me, and my kids adore her. Other people's families have different dynamics, which can take a while to get used to, but when all the people involved are basically decent to each other it can work really well. It's so sad when that doesn't happen.

I love my MIL!

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2016 02:24

I don't know how unusual it is but my MIL is lovely. She is wonderful and does all as you say.

It's good to bust this myth of the evil MIL!! Well done!

OlennasWimple · 14/07/2016 03:39

My MiL is fine. She is basically a lovely lady, utterly clueless about many things (including how to parent, TBH), and we get on well. I consider myself very lucky when I read MiL threads on here!

ilovecherries · 14/07/2016 05:13

I loved my FIL, even though I didn't agree with him on lots of things. But he was a good and kind man who would always have helped us out had we needed it. My MIL I was less fond of, but she was just different to me. Saw the world differently - I didn't hate her, and I don't think for one minute that she hated me. She was a decent woman and she'd brought up a lovely son and loved our kids. We miss them both now they've gone.

branofthemist · 14/07/2016 05:55

I have no doubt some mils are awful. Some people in general are awful. Some of them will be mils. But remember on here, you only hear one side.

My mil, on paper, is shit. Her and fil moved 2 hours away. They have a four bedroom house but don't want to make a spare room. One is a crafting room and one is her meditation room.

It's four hours round trip with the kids. She hasn't been to our house in well over a year and because we have been busy she hasn't seen the kids in 6 months. My son got no birthday gift until a month after his birthday. She expected us to drive to theirs Christmas morning, have lunch and drive home after. No way we're my kids spending four hours in a car in Christmas Day.

Fil is marginally better and does visit here. Although he has a habit of doing it when the kids are at school and leaves before they come home.

However I am quite accepting of them. It's not my ideal. But I don't cling on to the 'my kids are missing out' or resent them for living how they do. It's just life, they aren't that into kids now. I accept them for who they are.

When they ask 'will you come to Christmas dinner?' Neither me or dh have a problem putting our smoky first and saying 'no, we want the kids to spend Christmas Day playing now with their toys'.

A lot of mil problems are caused by the partner of the OP and their refusal to put their own family first. Dh doesn't have that issue. Our family comes first. That's it.

Me and dh have been together since 18 and he has become my dads best friend. My parents are quite hands on. My mum, could also come across nightmarish. She buys kids clothes, drops off food if she has seen something she thought the we would like, organises surprises. But dh recognises it's comes from a good place. She also takes no for an answer. And dh knows that if it's important to us. I will say no. We tarted having Christmas at home. There was no issue.

I often think a lot (not all) family problems are made worse by the people around the problem causer. Because they don't express their unhappiness or stand up for what they want.

branofthemist · 14/07/2016 05:57

Oh and my mil once uttered 'oh bran you are so lucky my son is such a good dad and does so much childcare for you'

I didn't have to challenge her, because dh did. He pointed out that he would be a shit to not do his fair share and I wasn't lucky he was a decent dad. He was doing what dads should be doing. He didn't do it for me. He did it for the whole family.

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