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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report db and his dw to social services

72 replies

thislittlepiggytoldaporky · 13/07/2016 19:37

Im not sure where to post this so posted it here for a quick response. I have posted before but have changed my username as i don't want to out myself. Anyway my me and my db went no contact a few years ago because of deep rifts in the family. After a few years him and his dw went through a rough patch and he came back to us his family and we helped him, gave him money etc. We got to see our dn which was great. However him and his dw are now back together and we went to visit them today for the first time. Their house is dirty and cluttered (i am not against a bit of clutter and mess believe me as my own house is like this constantly with kids!) and their dc always seem to wear the same clothes every single time we see them. They didn't seem to much food in the cupboards and when i went upstairs to use the toilet i noticed that both dc are sleeping on mattresses on the floor with no toys in their rooms and no sheets. I also know that they both smoke cannibis and could smell it in their house with the children there, (i don't know if they had been smoking it in front of the children but could smell it. His dw suffers from depression and i think at times has hit the oldest child (my db told me this when they split up) and i know his dw can be paranoid and depressed and hide away for days at a time. i just don't know what to do, does this amount to abuse? I'm scared if i report it might push his dw over the edge need some advice

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 13/07/2016 19:40

Talk to them?

Get profession advice?

Help them?

ohtheholidays · 13/07/2016 19:45

Honestly yes I would ring up,they won't steam in and take the children of them,they don't unless a child is being sexually or physically abused and they have proof or there's a serious risk of those things happening to a child but they can get them help.

I'd do it now rather than later,if things are this bad now they will only get worse,the fact that they've let someone through the frontdoor to witness it all is a red flag in it's self it means to them it's normal.

You need to do it for they're DC,you don't want them growing up and repeating the same mistakes with they're own children and there's every chance if it's left and gets worse that when they're older the children would wonder why no family stepped in and helped for they're sakes.

mzS1990 · 13/07/2016 19:46

Talk to them first and ask them if they need help?

WhyShouldYou · 13/07/2016 19:47

Yes. YWBU. Based on what you've said. But perhaps there's more to it?

babynail · 13/07/2016 19:55

It's your responsibility to inform social services! Junkies don't want help or a nice little chat like PP have suggested. Poor kids.

SpiritedLondon · 13/07/2016 19:57

This is tough because he's family but there are so many red flags here I think you need to report it. Neglect - lack of food, bedding, clothing. Physical abuse - assault by the mother. Other warning signs - possible mental illness and drug use in the house. Once you've reported it to social services the social workers should visit to conduct an initial assessment. This will involve speaking to the parents and children ( if appropriate ) to consider how serious the problem is. The SW may be able to assist with referrals to services to help with the drug use / MH or help with clothing / bedding if necessary - this will be entirely dependant on the location of the authority and their funding ( also the willingness of the parents to co-operate). Consider it a positive action for all the family rather than a negative one and you may find the decision easier.

SpiritedLondon · 13/07/2016 19:59

Ps I don't want to spark a huge debate but you don't get a free pass to hit your children nowadays.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/07/2016 19:59

It's a difficult position to be in. If you don't think they will respond to an offer of help, I think I would phone social services. Imagine if others witnessed this over the years and did nothing. Those children deserve better.

Original poster
thislittlepiggytoldaporky · 13/07/2016 20:03

I have tried talking to my db but he is very defensive and unapproachable. I know if i was to insist on trying to make them listen he would just go nc. its so difficult as its family and i know the implications. The dc seem to have just enough and no more which makes it hard to know what to, but mixed with everything else I'm airing on the side of social services.

OP posts:
Original poster
thislittlepiggytoldaporky · 13/07/2016 20:05

i have tried to help but all offers of help are refused, babysitting, having the children etc the only help they seem to accept is money and i question if its being used on the what they say (the children)

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 13/07/2016 20:10

If all offers of help are refused then yes,you need to help the children by alerting the relevant people.

LockedOutOfMN · 13/07/2016 20:21

Yes, please call social services.

GissASquizz · 13/07/2016 20:26

I'd call ss in a heartbeat.

TwoLittleBlooms · 13/07/2016 20:28

Yes, you really must call SS. I know they are family, but you have tried to help and it has been refused, therefore the next step is to involve an agency who can help them. Those children need you to step up and help them.

Heidi42 · 13/07/2016 20:30

This is difficult for you but yes you need to call ss . This is neglect plain and simple sorry OP .

EarthboundMisfit · 13/07/2016 20:30

I would. Make sure they don't find out in advance, so SS get the true picture.

Pearlman · 13/07/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomba · 13/07/2016 20:35

I would ring them. You've tried to discuss it and got nowhere. These kids deserve better than this and your DB and his DW need help.

EverythingWillBeFine · 13/07/2016 20:41

I would have an issue with the mattresses with no sheets and no toys for the dcs to play with.

What about ringing the nspcc and ask for advice?
If they think there is a major issue, they will contact SS immediately anyway.

EttaJ · 13/07/2016 20:42

Definitely call them. This sounds horrible for the children. You are their only chance. Don't let them down like their disgusting parents are.

ricketytickety · 13/07/2016 20:49

Sounds like neglect. ss will support your db and dsil along with the dc.

ricketytickety · 13/07/2016 20:49

nspcc are good for advice too anon

ohtheholidays · 13/07/2016 20:55

With contacting SS you don't have to give your name if you don't want to OP and they won't push you for it.

But to make sure they take it seriously enough please mention the lack of food,drug use in the house and around the children,any physical abuse you know of,the lack of clean clothes,bedding and the condition the house is in.

If you say it in that order they should visit the family sooner rather than later.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/07/2016 21:01

"With contacting SS you don't have to give your name if you don't want to OP and they won't push you for it."

Yes, but it might be quite obvious who did it.

LauderSyme · 13/07/2016 21:02

I would be very worried about the negative effects of this environment on the children. The adults concerned need help not punishment, but ultimately they are adults and have to take responsibility for their behaviour. The children are collateral damage in their parent's failure to take proper parental responsibility and this can have devastating long-lasting effects. Please don't allow any more damaging neglect and abuse to be inflicted on them. This family needs help.

I would also highly recommend the NSPCC, I have had occasion to call them and they were brilliant. They take details and advise, and take it further themselves with SS if they think your report warrants it.