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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to report db and his dw to social services

72 replies

thislittlepiggytoldaporky · 13/07/2016 19:37

Im not sure where to post this so posted it here for a quick response. I have posted before but have changed my username as i don't want to out myself. Anyway my me and my db went no contact a few years ago because of deep rifts in the family. After a few years him and his dw went through a rough patch and he came back to us his family and we helped him, gave him money etc. We got to see our dn which was great. However him and his dw are now back together and we went to visit them today for the first time. Their house is dirty and cluttered (i am not against a bit of clutter and mess believe me as my own house is like this constantly with kids!) and their dc always seem to wear the same clothes every single time we see them. They didn't seem to much food in the cupboards and when i went upstairs to use the toilet i noticed that both dc are sleeping on mattresses on the floor with no toys in their rooms and no sheets. I also know that they both smoke cannibis and could smell it in their house with the children there, (i don't know if they had been smoking it in front of the children but could smell it. His dw suffers from depression and i think at times has hit the oldest child (my db told me this when they split up) and i know his dw can be paranoid and depressed and hide away for days at a time. i just don't know what to do, does this amount to abuse? I'm scared if i report it might push his dw over the edge need some advice

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 13/07/2016 21:08

Gwen unless you know the poster there's no way of really saying.

It sounds like the parents are pretty oblivious to the fact that the way they're children are living is not right so they could have had anyone in the house.

shazzarooney999 · 13/07/2016 21:10

Definately call social services, this family need support it may shake them up enough to make them want to look after the children properly.

Skinnyflatwhiteplease · 13/07/2016 21:14

only you can make a judgement as to whether this amounts to neglect or abuse.

Actually no. You may have a view about this but actually it's up to social services to make that judgement and take action based on that. Please talk to social services; they can and do offer support to help families get back on their feet.

You are clearly concerned-that is reason enough to contact social services.

CruCru · 13/07/2016 21:17

Do it. Do bear in mind that SS are not the big bad wolf. They WANT to help and will do whatever they can to help the family.

SWs I know find it very upsetting that SS are portrayed as something to fear. They hate it when people report to them frivolously but they do want people to report to them when they think that there is something genuinely not right.

0hCrepe · 13/07/2016 21:18

You would be putting the DC before your DB and wife. I think that's the right thing.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 13/07/2016 21:22

You need to call. 99.9% of work social services do is supporting families make positive changes. The children need a voice. If there are concerns regarding hygiene/general presentation school may have already flagged these concerns

Heirhelp · 13/07/2016 21:22

If you are unsure you should always contact social services and give them the facts. As the professionals in child protection they are trained to know if it is something that needs investigating. If you think a child maybe at risk or is being abused including neglect it is your duty to contact them.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 13/07/2016 21:23

P.S I speak with experience as a senior social worker

Pearlman · 13/07/2016 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 13/07/2016 21:25

I would tell them that you are going to inform SS if they don't get their act together. Reason being it can take a good while before SS intervene. I'd still call SS . Are you in a position to take care of the kids yourself?

hownottofuckup · 13/07/2016 21:27

Based on the info in your OP, yes definitely.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/07/2016 21:29

Yep. Do it.

I was the child in this situation. I had no toys, mattress on the floor with no sheets and much worse. A family member reported it and SS became involved. I ended up on the register on the 'at severe risk of abuse' category (which was bullshit in its self but that's irrelevant here).

JapaneseSlipper · 13/07/2016 21:31

I really think you should call, but my only reservation would be if your DB figures out it was you and cuts you off. If SS don't do much to help then the kids would then be in a worse position, I think.

I know you have said they reject all help except money, but do you think you could be a bit more forceful and say (for example), "we have tickets for the movies at X time, it's DS birthday and DNs are invited, ok to pick them up at 2?" Imo once you get through that initial barrier, it starts to become a bit more normal for the parent to have someone else looking after their child and it might open the way for more contact with your niece/nephew.

A relationship with family other than their parents could be great for them.

BabooshkaKate · 13/07/2016 21:32

DO NOT TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE CALLING SS. Christ. If they can't see their behaviour is harming their children now what on earth do you think they will do if you threaten them? Suddenly stop taking drugs and magically transform into fit parents?

No.

If you tell them you plan to call SS they will forever blame you for "trying to break up" their family. People this bad at parenting cannot be reasoned with.

JapaneseSlipper · 13/07/2016 21:33

Sorry - to clarify, I meant you should call, but also do the above. If kids are old enough, you can also let them know how to get in touch with you should they ever need it.

I know that sounds a bit dramatic - maybe HarryPotter can say if that would be at all useful

bumsexatthebingo · 13/07/2016 21:37

I would call ss but not sure how much they will do. In the short term is there any way you can help the kids by taking some toys/clothes as gifts for the kids when you visit? If you can afford to you could get your kids new beds and offer the old ones? Not that you should have to but just thinking of those poor Los sleeping on the floor and I would sooner do something like that than give cash the kids may never see.

Memoires · 13/07/2016 21:37

Do talk to SS, and you can tell them you want to remain anonymous. In fact you don't have to actually tell them your details at all, they'll still listen to your concerns and follow them up with your db and sil. You can be pretty sure that SS would much rather that children live and are looked after by their parents, and so will support parents who are struggling to that end.

Just5minswithDacre · 13/07/2016 21:46

we went to visit them today for the first time. Their house is dirty and cluttered (i am not against a bit of clutter and mess believe me as my own house is like this constantly with kids!

Saw them today for the first time (in years?) yet you know that the house is 'constantly' like that? How?

trafalgargal · 13/07/2016 21:49

How sad there's so many ways you could help .......from "I notice the kids have matresses - we've just replaced to kid's beds and have two just cluttering up the garagee, passing on out grown clothes, I'm sure with a bit of thought you could find ways to help out your family in better ways than suggesting you babysit for a couple who clearly can't afford the basics let alone the luxury of a night out.

Reporting them to SS instead of offering practical help yourself first seems a bit sledgehammer to crack a nut.

sleeponeday · 13/07/2016 21:51

She didn't say their house is constantly like this. She says that she knows a bit of clutter/mess with kids is normal and her own house is constantly like this - her point is that their house was way, way beyond that normal level.

Pearlman · 13/07/2016 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohtheholidays · 13/07/2016 22:03

Please,Please,Please never ever tell someone that your contacting SS know matter how well you know or think you know the adults involved!

This is one of the easiest ways for any abuse the children have suffered to go through the roof,sometimes it's that alone which is bad enough other times it's the abuse gets ramped up and the adults disappear with the children!

I used to work in schools and with SS.

VelvetSpoon · 13/07/2016 22:09

I'm rather on the fence about this one. On the one hand, yes none of it seems great.

Then again, I've seen threads on here about kids not having their own beds, or just mattresses (albeit not the other factors mentioned) and the general consensus was that was fine.

Is it worth some kind of (practical) help, assuming you're in a position to give it of course, before launching straight into notifying social services? Will it be obvious it's you that have notified them?

Just5minswithDacre · 13/07/2016 22:12

Oh I'm confused.

What is the 'this' that her house is constantly like then?

tyke1989 · 13/07/2016 22:25

So the children are being hit , have lack of personal hygiene , have no comfortable sleeping arrangement and possibly cold , no stimulation as they have no toys , possibly going hungry and seeing drug use and your asking if you should report DB.
Quick question would you want to live like this or would you want your own children to? .... No
Report them they all need help.

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