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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender/sex scan

74 replies

Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 13:41

Aibu to get a little irritated at people referring to the 20 week scan like this? It's like they think that's all the scan is for! I didn't want to find out the sex but the only question anyone asked was "what are you having then?" or "what is it?" Nobody ever asks "is everything ok?" It's almost as though people view it as a sex scan rather than an anomaly scan. A colleague came back from hers crying and we thought there was a problem. She said she was "devasted" they couldn't see the sex and it was a waste of an appointment!

I know iab a bit u. Bigger things to worry about bla bla bla. But I'm sure most people get mildly irritated at a few things!

OP posts:
KayTee87 · 13/07/2016 13:44

It is annoying, it's first and foremost an anomaly scan. I was massively relieved that everything was ok at mine and then I also found out the sex but that wasn't the purpose of the scan and I wouldn't have been disappointed if they couldn't tell me.

reallyanotherone · 13/07/2016 13:47

Yanbu.

I hate the focus we seem to have on sex these days, and the thinking that boys and girls are completely different species. Everything seems to be about gender, colour, clothes, likes, dislikes, every single personality trait seems to be determined by what's between our legs.

A baby is a baby.

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 13:56

I know! If people do want to know that's totally fine. But it really shouldn't be the main focus. A healthy baby should be all anyone wants!

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 13/07/2016 14:02

Ha! I this thread to be a bitch say "it's called an anomaly scan!"

Grin
Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 14:11

I don't understand what you've said honeysuckle

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 13/07/2016 14:12

I haven't got that far yet and all I have had is "I hope its a girl" and " I hope you get the pink one you want" I have 2 sons who are my world. I hate the pressure. I'm an older mum now I just want a healthy baby.

AlbusPercival · 13/07/2016 14:18

Agreed, my 20 week scan they couldnt find babies kidneys or spine, all everyone wanted to talk about was he was a boy.

(Thankfully they were found later, he was just lying at an awkward angle)

frenchielala · 13/07/2016 14:24

I think it is just people trying to be polite and make conversation about the pregnancy. Trying to share some excitement with you. Some people don't want to ask more medial question for fear they may start a conversation the mother is uncomfortable with.

Dutchcourage · 13/07/2016 14:24

I think most people ask because they feel it's expected that people actually give a shit and try and look intrested tbh. It's perfectly normal for people to get excited about the as well. I've had scans since six week and found out the sex really early as I was bored of looking as a hazy screen. Now one give a shit now Sad

Wink
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 13/07/2016 14:26

Asking if everything at the scan was OK is a total minefield. Much safer to ask if you found out the sex and take it from there.

EdmundCleverClogs · 13/07/2016 14:27

Yabu. Most people understand what the scan is for, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to find out the sex. I was really looking forward to knowing, the pregnancy and thought of becoming a parent was quite overwhelming. Being told what we were having helped make things 'real' (especially since I didn't start showing for weeks after and barely felt the baby due to a frontal placenta). You're coming over quite smug and judgmental.

As for

A healthy baby should be all anyone wants!

That is really insensitive to those who may not ever have a 'healthy' baby.

reallyanotherone · 13/07/2016 14:28

Agreed, my 20 week scan they couldnt find babies kidneys or spine, all everyone wanted to talk about was he was a boy.

Who needs kidneys or a spine if you've got a willy? Way more important.

orangebird69 · 13/07/2016 14:32

Yanbu OP. Not at all.

ohidoliketobe · 13/07/2016 14:33

I've had my cousin in tears this week because she was told at hers ..... she was having a boy. A very healthy looking boy with everything growing nicely and in the right places. "But I really wanted a girl because girl's stuff is so much prettier!".
Apparently I'm "really lucky" that I'm 32 weeks pregnant with a girl afer having DS last time and I don't need to have any more babies now.
I personally count myself lucky that despite suffering from a few health issues in pregnancy, I've been able to conceive twice, I have a lovely, healthy 2 year old and am on the final straight with a second pregnancy where up to now everything is lookig fine amd dandy with baby's development and growth. But apparently the sex is more important than all of that.

honeysucklejasmine · 13/07/2016 14:43

I mean, I was going to tick you off for calling it a gender scan rather than an anomaly scan. Imagine my disappointment that that was your point!

honeysucklejasmine · 13/07/2016 14:45

(sorry, I see I missed some words out in my first post!)

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 15:18

Haha honeysuckle that made me laugh!

Edmund I don't believe I once said there is anything wrong with finding out Hmm Calling me smug and judgemental is totally out of order! And I do think everyone should prioritise a babys health over their sex. But maybe I'm sensitive to that after miscarrying at 22 weeks.

OP posts:
AlbusPercival · 13/07/2016 15:19

Exactly really hmm

Scarydinosaurs · 13/07/2016 15:22

YANBU I had a horrid 20 week scan that led to another 10 weeks of anxiety before being given a tentative all clear. Never wanted to find out the sex, couldn't care less. I just wanted a healthy baby.

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 15:23

really I've just read your comment Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 15:29

scary that must have been awful!

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 13/07/2016 15:31

Thinking and saying are two seperate things. Telling everyone what they should be thinking about their scan is judgmental in my book. I don't believe that many people go to the 20 week check purely for the sex, but focus on it as a positive as the health check can be quite worrying. As someone who has had a miscarriage and needed extra scans to check my baby's heart, yes I find you comments about 'only wanting a healthy baby' insensitive.

Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 15:37

Ugh I'm really not here for an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zuccarelli · 13/07/2016 15:40

Also, I didn't mean people would not want a baby just because it was unhealthy. I don't think anyone would ever say that! But as a parent you do hope your baby is healthy!

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 13/07/2016 15:40

"only wanting a healthy baby" can be interpreted to two ways, IMO.

  1. I would not want an unhealthy baby and would take action to avoid having one
  2. I hope my baby is healthy but if not, forewarned is forearmed.

I think most people mean the second, tbh. I only know one person who has ever admitted to meaning the first.