Gender/sex scan

[Zuccarelli]

Aibu to get a little irritated at people referring to the 20 week scan like this? It's like they think that's all the scan is for! I didn't want to find out the sex but the only question anyone asked was "what are you having then?" or "what is it?" Nobody ever asks "is everything ok?" It's almost as though people view it as a sex scan rather than an anomaly scan. A colleague came back from hers crying and we thought there was a problem. She said she was "devasted" they couldn't see the sex and it was a waste of an appointment!

I know iab a bit u. Bigger things to worry about bla bla bla. But I'm sure most people get mildly irritated at a few things!

[Zuccarelli]

tractor I'm sorry, that sounds like such an awful time. for you

[frozenfairy123]

Being pregnant and having a baby is a massive thing and with that goes a life change, whether it is your 1st or 4th, if the baby is healthy or has issues, if it's a boy or a girl can also be important to people for many reasons (including genetic conditions), we all have our own feelings and are entitled to them. U need to mind your own business and get on with your scan, if people ask what u are having then take it they are just trying to show interest. I think most women are nervous before the scan hoping that everything is ok but finding out sex can bring a lighthearted feel to something quite scary. Xx

[ShowOfHands]

Theres no should about it. Of course it's an anomaly scan. Of course finding out the sex is usually secondary. However, the vast majority of women treat it as such and their attitutes and reactions to finding out the sex are myriad and rather than irritating, are peculiar to each woman. Perhaps you should try and see it that if a woman has such an easy pregnancy that the possibility of problems hasn't even occurred to her, then she's bloody lucky instead of telling her how she "should " feel.

And gender disappointment (I know that's a misnomer btw) is more complicated than you're assuming and it tells you nothing about whether a woman is primarily worried about the health of her baby anyway.

[Jengnr]

I was more concerned with finding out the sex because I couldn't even begin to allow myself to think anything might be wrong. Of course I worried about it privately but that wasn't something I wanted to discuss with anybody. Finding out the sex was the icing on the cake when everything was ok.

[Scarydinosaurs]

2nds obviously the OP knows that it DOES highlight issues- that's the whole point of the scan. Every inch of the baby is checked for anomalies.

Her issue is with people who see the scan purely for sexing the pregnancy, when it is there for a medical purpose. Culturally, we seem to have forgotten that and instead focus on the sex. People seem surprised that they actually check the baby for health reasons.

[becciandbump]

I think people would find it uncomfortable to ask whether there were abnormalities in your scan (too personal) but feel they can ask did you find out the sex? I think it's being a bit pedantic to expect everyone to refer to the scan as an anomaly scan most people know this is what it's for but prefer to talk about the less scary bit ie the sex x

[Scarydinosaurs]

beccie think about the 12 week scan though- everyone just asks "was everything ok?" After that scan. I think the shift in fixation to the sex of the baby comes from the way people now are told the sex, and lots of my friends thought that was the only reason you had a scan at 20 weeks.

[2nds]

Scary, I don't think OP does know this, and if she does she certainly doesn't understand. She certainly doesn't understand that as someone up thread stated that some conditions are more associated with one sex in some families. There are a lot of reasons why people want to know the sex or are excited about it. Like I said in my previous post my DD was born with a tumour that mainly shows up in girls.

That aside, gender disappointment is also very real and very strong with some people. I don't really necessarily understand it myself, but for some people (myself included) I'm better naturally with one sex (male). I feel more confident with men and I grew up with with brothers so I just felt at the time that I wanted a boy more. Nothing wrong with that, we all have our reasons.

The OP's post is extremely goady. Yes we all want a healthy baby, but some of us have it on our minds we want one sex over the other and I'm sure that can manifest into a bigger issue for some people.

[FuzzyCustard]

Completely agree OP. At the 20 week anomaly scan it was discovered my DGD was not growing properly. She was stillborn at 27 weeks.

I get massively (and possibly irrationally) angry at people who consider it to be a "find out if it's a boy or girl scan".

[Scarydinosaurs]

But the sonographer checks and measures the genitals, regardless of whether you ask to find out the sex? So of course she knows that, as that is part of the check for anomalies, hence the whole post.

From your post you seem to be intimating that finding out the sex gives you more information regarding genetic anomalies, which isn't true- the sonographer looks for them regardless of whether you are finding out the sex or not.

Disappointment due to the sex of your child is another tangent completely, and not the point of this thread.

[WanttoStartAgain]

YANBU but I think most people don't expect a problem and just expect to be told they've got a healthy boy or girl.

I'm jealous of people who think of scans like that to be honest, I'd love to be care and worry free and assume everything was OK.

With my 1st all I thought about the 20 week scan was boy or girl. I took it for gramted everthing would be ok, all i was focused on was who i was getting. When they told me there was a problem I was so shocked. Nothing prepared me for that nor what followed. I never thought I'd be told my baby wasn't going to survive outside the womb. He was born and died 4 weeks later.

Where as when in fell pregnant with my DD all I was focused on was the babies health. At her 20 week scan I wasn't interested in boy or girl, I just wanted to know if I was going to be able to keep the baby, even when they told me a healthy girl all I cared about was the word healthy.

I'm nearly 19 weeks pregnant now and all I'm interested in is if my baby is OK.

But I can honestly say I only thought/think about the babies health since my son. With his pregnancy, I never questioned his health. I just assumed he was OK. If he had been OK I doubt I'd of worried about my other babies health. I'd of just assumed they'd be ok

[FuzzyCustard]

wanttostartagain I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Zuccarelli]

Gosh I wasn't expecting people to be nasty to me! I really don't think I was goady at all. I'm also perfectly capable of "understanding" 2nds. I'm not stupid.

wanttostartagain I'm so sorry for your loss. My situation was very similar to yours. It's truly awful.

[meltingmarshmallows]

I did find it a bit strange how excited everyone was for my 20 week scan, when I felt very anxious. Of course the focus is the baby's development and not the sex.

But at the same time I don't see why people are chastised for wanting to know the sex? The suggestion that those who find out can be put into one box is ridiculous!

I think it's worth noting that it's a generic question people ask to show interest as it would be intrusive to ask questions about the true purpose of the scan. I don't think people are intentionally trivialising it.

[peachgreen]

ARGH. Zombie.

[HemmieH]

I saw finding out the sex as a treat for getting through the anxiety of the anomaly scan.

[HemmieH]

Oops didn't read the dates

[LogicalPsycho]

"As for
A healthy baby should be all anyone wants!

That is really insensitive to those who may not ever have a 'healthy' baby

Is anything not offensive anymore?
I recently saw an article which said pregnant women need to stop saying 'i don't mind which sex, I just want them to be healthy', because it can be triggering/'Othering' to mothers who have a child with a disability or chronic health condition.

Ffs, have we really reached a point in time where it's offensive to say you wish for healthy offspring?

I have one child with a disability, 2 who don't. I wanted them all to be healthy.
No mother in the world has ever thought "I don't mind the sex, and I'd hope they have insert disability too".
We all want healthy children.
You don't love a child any less if they have a disability or health condition, far from it. But that doesn't mean that you wouldn't take it away from them if you could.

[JennyBlueWren]

Where I live the NHS don't tell you the sex. It is just an anomaly scan. If you want to find out you go private.

[Pleasedontdrawonyoursister]

Omg this really winds me up too. I always correct people when they say they're going for a 'Sexing scan'. I think some genuinely believe that is all its for!! Unfortunately someone very close to me had some terrible news at the 20 week scan and couldn't continue the pregnancy. For this reason I didn't even tell anyone I was pregnant until after this scan!

[Oysterbabe]

I've never met anyone who called it a sex or gender scan, only 20 week or anomaly scan.

[ChickenBhuna]

We lost our baby after recieving a life limiting diagnoses at our anomaly scan last year. So I agree with many that say this talk of 'gender scan' nonsense fills me with horror. I'm also jealous too though , I envy that anyone can approach such an important medical screening with their only care being whether they buy pink or blue on the way home.

I'm pregnant again and I was shaking before entering our anomaly scan. Thankfully we got the all clear this time. Terrifying doesn't even cover the feelings before entering that room!