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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Your 'dealbreaker' standards for dp lower when you've had dc?

17 replies

FeckArseIndustries · 13/07/2016 00:04

AIBU to think that, in general, once you've got dc with someone, people will put up with more crap. Even crap they'd dump people for without a second thought if they didn't have dc with them? Like cheating for example.

Is this a good thing? It holds families together I suppose. If you can try to forgive and just get on with it, should you? Or if you'd have told him to get to fuck before dc, should you have the balls to say it now?

OP posts:

traveladdict · 13/07/2016 00:28

Yes some people put up with more shit when they have dc. Whether they should or not is up to the individual.

I dumped a guy once because he had a bit of earwax, should I employ the same standard with my dh?

Fwiw -cheating is a deal breaker for me, do or no.

Craftylittlething · 13/07/2016 00:40

my deal breaker standards increased ten fold when dd come along, this meant her father left very shortly afterwards. I feel she and I deserve the best. Good luck

HelenaDove · 13/07/2016 01:12

"It holds families together I suppose"

From the old misogynistic saying and expectation "its the woman that holds a family together"

missingmumxox · 13/07/2016 01:23

I don't think so, I think your deal breakers become more realistic, my dh, is really lovely and I love him, we have been together 20 years, I forgive him things such as being boring about his records because I love and respect him, and he forgives me boring about my allotment, I would never forgive someone hurting me and did indeed walk out on a relationship which was becoming abusive, and with hindsight I should have walked sooner, but it takes a while to register, luckily for me I registered early, however affairs I have always been of the school, that I would need to be there before I will tell you if I would stick around, mainly because I bloody know I could wonder, I never have but I am not perfect and neither is my husband, that said I still trust him, like he trusts me, we are and I hope forever will be a work in progress.
Children make it both harder and easier to leave abusive relationships and it doesn't help to ask these questions because bottom line is no one would chose it.

Canyouforgiveher · 13/07/2016 01:30

I am married nearly 25 years and have 3 children and I can honestly say dh has never even approached doing something that was a dealbreaker in that time. He has annoyed me, forgotten birthdays, been a pain in the ass sometimes, not helped out enough etc. So have I. None of these minor annoyances are dealbreakers. Infidelity, abuse, arrogance, lack of interest, meanness, jealousy, control - those would be.

I do think the OP is right in that people put up with a lot of shit after having children because they want to keep the family intact and they are frightened of going alone. I don't blame them. But I don't think it is necessarily a good thing for anyone.

branofthemist · 13/07/2016 06:21

I agree that they become more realistic.

I don't put up with shit from my dh. But I do listen when he has another interesting fact about his hobby, even though I am not interested. If it was a casual boyfriend I would probably find it annoying and dump him.

On the whole dh is a great person. He does at least his fair share around the house and with the kids. He is a great dad and great husband. But he isn't perfect. Neither am I. So yes we do put up with each other's imperfection. Ones that we possibly wouldn't put up with if we didn't have kids together.

It's not just kids though. We have a history. 15 (mostly) good years together trumps the fact that he can't seem to hang the bloody car keys up, on the key rack he put up!

branofthemist · 13/07/2016 06:24

Sorry I do agree that some people do seem to put up with a ridiculous amount of shit, because they have children though. It's just not in my case.

I know someone whose partner is a sahp, but does nothing with the kids, no housework, no cooking, no food shopping. My friend does food shopping on way home from work, goes in cooks tea, baths both kids, puts them to bed then does the housework, then bed.

Weekends are spent taking the kids out so the partner gets a break. If they didn't have kids my friend wouldn't be putting up with it.

TheNaze73 · 13/07/2016 07:59

There are only two things that would make me quit a relationship, regardless if children were involved.

they had cheated

I felt I had compromised too much & that was outweighing what I actually got from a relationship

The earwax, wouldn't be a deal clincher but, made me laugh travel

PeppaAteMySoul · 13/07/2016 08:29

When me and dp were going through a rough patch it was our baby that kept us together. We were just arguing all the time and I know had it not been for DS I would have left. We both tried really hard and are now out of the other side- our relationship is the best it's ever been. Having children makes me more willing to compromise and work hard at us as a couple- which can only be a good thing, I think?

Snowflakes1122 · 13/07/2016 08:29

Standards if anyway thing should go up, given you have children around. You don't want them thinking it's ok to put up with dad cheating on mum etc!
Wouldn't stand for that type of behaviour. Who does that benefit?

ICJump · 13/07/2016 08:32

I think I put up with less shit and DH puts heaps more. I'm loads bigger pain in the arse and give less to him now we have kids.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/07/2016 08:36

If some people want to put up with extra crap because they have a DC that's up to them.

standards should stay they same after children, if you let a dp/DH act like an arse what does that teach the children that's how you can behave.

My DH is very good, we've always been equals in the realtionship, he has never let me down when I've needed him, he does his share around the house and more than enough with our ds. I would never of had children with a man I didn't think would behave that way.

As for cheating that is a deal breaker for me regardless of children or not, IMO if you love and respect somebody you don't do that so for me it would be over

HicDraconis · 13/07/2016 08:39

My deal breakers are the same before or after children.

The marriage is over if 1) he is unfaithful 2) he starts using any drugs or smoking 3) he stops showing me respect.

All the other petty irritations that go along with living with another human being are just things to work through as you learn to live together. Why should I suddenly settle for less because I have my boys to consider? Surely I should make sure they are given the best example of an adult relationship that I can?

MollyTwo · 13/07/2016 08:49

my deal breaker standards increased ten fold when dd come along, this meant her father left very shortly afterwards. I feel she and I deserve the best. Good luck

Well said. A good parent will do what is best for the child not for themselves.

Piemernator · 13/07/2016 08:55

My favourite dumping story of all time was my incredibly beautiful hairdresser dumping a guy because she didn't like the way he ate apples.

I think once you have children it is a far more serious thing to break up. In the 20 years we have been together only one thing has made me want to leave DH. I will admit if we hadn't had DC tigether I would have walked out the door never to return. This occurred at Easter and involves his sister who I now refuse to see.

I was always the dumper and not the dumped and always found it very easy to walk away from boyfriends and cut them off without a backward glance once they had aggrieved me in anyway.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 13/07/2016 09:06

Agree with pps that things I might have broken up with someone for when I was younger are ludicrous. I broke up with someone when I was 15 because he was embarrassingly into me ha! That didn't happen again well, ever!

I did meet DH when we were quite young though (18 and 19), so it's hard to compare with 'proper grown up' relationships as I haven't really had any apart from with DH .

I do remember thinking when we'd just started going out that I might break up with him because he has cheesy taste in music - that is such an awful thought to me now! I must have been a total bitch with a massive musical superiority complex. Douche!

Anyway, deal breakers for me would be him having an affair, being abusive or neglectful to our DD or me or doing something abhorrent like becoming a racist thug, or being cruel or violent towards animals, children, vulnerable people etc. However if he ever did those abhorrent things I might assume he was ill or had been drugged or something.

Welshmaenad · 13/07/2016 09:15

My hard limits are still hard limits, I wouldn't put up with cheating, abuse etc.

However it probably took me longer than it should have to leave my ExH because I wanted so badly to make it work for the kids even though I was desperately unhappy. I work hard at my relationship with my DP because he is in my children's lives and that's a bug commitment for me. I know he feels the same way, he said just recently that if our relationship ended it would crucify him because it wouldn't just be me he lost, it would be the kids too. So I do think it gives you added perspective.

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