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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think no fucking chance or do I need to be kinder to people?

99 replies

thisismeusernameything · 12/07/2016 13:11

I'm prepared to be called a miserable cow and take my flaming if needed as I genuinly don't know if I am being a miserable self-important madam.

I got a friend request from a man I used to go to school with on Facebook. Our lives seem to have gone in very different directions. I've done well where as he seems not to have made much of his life (not stealth boasting, its relevant) I felt sorry for him so accepted but since then he's been tagging me in all kinds of shite about his dog, trips to bingo, meals out blah, blah. Its no big deal. I usually just untag myself and move on.

Today I get two tags from him. One to say that he is out for a meal with his wife, why the fuck he things I would give a shit I do not know and a second with a link to a justgiving site asking for a contribution to a new wheelchair for his wife (I believe she has Cerebral Palsy but from what I've seen its very mild form if there is even such a thing).

From what I can gather this man doesn't work, spends what money they get on whatever they want to do (no judgement. Its his money) but then expects me to put my hand in my pocket to provide things that I would have to save up for. AIBU to expect him not to be out at bloody lunch and to be saving up for things that they need or am I being a miserable bitch?

Its really pissed me off so I blocked him but now feel bad. I'm working my ass off to pay the £17k stamp duty the twat of a tax man wants for the stamp duty on the falling down pile of buildings I'm in the process of buying so my judgement is all over the place.

Who is BU? Should I have given him some cash or should I expect him to stop eating out every other bloody day and fund it himself?

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 14/07/2016 09:04

Do you think they'll oblige if we ask HQ for a GoadyFuckers board?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/07/2016 09:09

Ask him not to tag you. That would be incredibly annoying and yes, I've unfriend we people who've done that.

But kvetching because he's crowd funding to get his disabled wife a wheelchair? Yes, that makes you a complete and utter cunt.

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 09:13

I don't think it really matters how you come across, you don't have to be the world's most generous person to be annoyed by things on FB.

This is why I no longer FB - at all, ever, and am not on it. I feel pressured to accept people and then feel pressured by the things they say/ask and then resent it. I feel bad about unfriending people or ignoring their requests. So I ended up feeling controlled by it. I think this is what's happened to you - hence your rant.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 14/07/2016 09:15

sharknad0 everyone pays tax. Ironically those with the very lowest incomes pay a larger total percentage of their income in tax on average than higher rate income tax payers, because so much tax is indirect (VAT for example).

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 09:17

The thing is, asking for money for a wheelchair is fine - totally understandable. But I think OP feels like this man is had bugged her repeatedly and bored her with tales of his spending, and hence the annoyance.

OP you do just need to get rid. You don't like him or want him in your life. You're bogged down in worrying about the morality and fairness of his request but basically you can't respond to every charity request. If you choose not to respond to this one, that's fine, just as he chooses to eat out.

Blu · 14/07/2016 09:24

LOL.
He is probably totally gauche in his use of Fb, tagging etc.
I thought you had to be a charity or be raising money for a registered charity to use JustGiving?
I'm glad we know now that you didn't mean it about being happy to be flamed.

'Goady fucker' isn't flaming , is it?

Notso · 14/07/2016 09:27

You don't have to be his friend on Facebook.
You don't have to donate to his wife's wheelchair.
You don't have to buy an expensive 'falling down pile of buildings'.

This just reads like a shit humble brag tbh.

ohdearme1958 · 14/07/2016 09:27

I think this is very strange.
It is highly unlikely a Jehovah's witness would link to things for his 'church' on Facebook.
For a start J W 's do not worship in a church & their faith would prevent them from' begging' like that.
Additionally their Hall (and fellow witnesses) would help privately in his situation.
Something isn't right with this

I agree. My neighbor is a JW and their congregation would ensure someone had the wheelchair they need.

mummyto2monkeys · 14/07/2016 09:29

Wow OP, you sound nice, way to judge ' your friend' because he is a carer to his wife. As a severely disabled wife with a husband who is my full time carer, I really don't appreciate the idea that 1. As he doesn't 'work' he is a waster who is happily draining the government to fund their days/meals out and 2. That a wheelchair is just a luxury that you should have to save for. How would you feel OP, if you needed to find three thousand pounds for the pleasure of being able to walk, perhaps you can walk uncomfortably but only for a few steps then you would fall down. Unfortunately Joe blog down the street is convinced that if you want to walk, you should have to save every penny yourself. But wait, I can't get to work without being able to walk.....

Do you honestly think your friend has a less successful life? My husband had a fantastic job offshore (+£40,000 a year) and I was a primary school teacher prior to becoming severely disabled due to a neurological condition. My husband is often out taking our children out, but you dont see what he has to do at home as my carer. You don't see the catheter bag changes, the hoisting, the constant caring for me and our children (including our nine year old Autistic son, who is a full time job to care for on his own), you don't see him brushing my hair, teeth or washing me. You don't see how exhausted he is because despite having care seven days a week during the day, he still is there caring 24/7, day and night, he is my second carer when my paid carers are here and that means he needs to be here for me to be hoisted into my power wheelchair/ Sani chair/ bed. If my husband was paid for the job he does, day in, day out he would be on a lot more than he was on pre my illness.

I have an all singing, all dancing, reclining powered wheelchair, I am lucky that I meet the criteria to be given one through my local wheelchair services. However I know women with Multiple Sclerosis who only have their wheelchairs because their families fundraised for them.

Honestly, your friend sounds lonely, life as a carer is lonely. But you have done him a favour, just by dropping off his friends list. Your friend deserves better friends, who are happy to help fundraise for a wheelchair, that will improve both his quality of life and his wife's.

As for the 'from what I have seen, it's very mild cerebral palsy', please listen to yourself OP, do you put photos up on Facebook of the days you feel like shit because of the flu? How dare you assume to know how mild her medical condition is! YOU have no idea how your friends wife is affected. But I can assure you, if her illness was 'mild' she wouldn't need her husband to be her full time carer. She also wouldn't need a wheelchair.

I only wish I knew how to give a cookie as you deserve a basket full!

CuttedUpPear · 14/07/2016 09:31

OP you need to educate yourself about cerebral palsy.
To airily state that his wife has a 'mild case - if there is such a thing' is utterly ignorant and hurtful to anyone who suffers from the condition.
You know that it stems from a lack of oxygen during pregnancy or birth, right?
My best friend's son has CP and he will never be able to walk, speak or feed himself. A neighbour has it and he drives his own specially adapted car to work every day.

This alone marks you out as heartless and uncaring.

ohdearme1958 · 14/07/2016 09:37

OP, I think you could have added to the fund before blocking the broke. It's a nicer way to have wrapped things up than just blocking him.

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 14/07/2016 09:37

"My neighbor is a JW and their congregation would ensure someone had the wheelchair they need."

How unethical on a scale of 1-10 would it be for me to join...?

ohdearme1958 · 14/07/2016 09:40

I don't think the OP was being ignorant or rude when referring to 'mild CP if there is such a thing'. I thought it was obvious she was saying - not that any kind of CP can ever be said to be mild.

ExConstance · 14/07/2016 09:40

Delete him, you are not friends in the real sense and you have no obligation in any way to him. Don't let the GF on here wine you up!

Who you are and what you are and how nice or not nice you are is not a matter for us to judge (even if you ask us) because we don't know you.

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/07/2016 09:41

It doesn't seem right that he only tagged you to these posts - it sounds like he's only interested in you for the fact that you are well off and might be able to give him some cash. I would delete him. Its one thing if a good friend is in need, but another thing if someone you barely know is asking for money and if they're just using you because you're well off.

ohdearme1958 · 14/07/2016 09:47

*"My neighbor is a JW and their congregation would ensure someone had the wheelchair they need." How unethical on a scale of 1-10 would it be for me to join...?

Dakin1 · 14/07/2016 09:48

I bet the OP is David Van Day! www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/david-van-day-defends-care-6310167

PinkissimoAndPearls · 14/07/2016 09:49

Posts like this are getting so fucking boring.

You're either incredibly stupid OP, or a goady fucker. Take your pick.

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 10:13

There is such a thing as mild CP, even very mild.

OP doesn't know everything about CP, but that's not a crime.

Samcro · 14/07/2016 10:15

"OP doesn't know everything about CP, but that's not a crime."
"(I believe she has Cerebral Palsy but from what I've seen its very mild form if there is even such a thing).'

but she knows enough to dx someone.....

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 10:18

I'm guessing that's because she's seen pics of the wife on FB, doing fairly normal activities and not in a wheelchair therefore not at the severest/better-known end of CP symptoms.

That's not a DX, it's her explanation of what she's seen.

I agree OP has phrased some things rudely, but I don't like this thing where people seem to deserve a flaming just for not knowing everything about a particular condition.

BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond · 14/07/2016 10:18

I read it as "she has an actual disability, but the scrounging cow looks fine to me"

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 10:19

I do agree OP is wrong for attempting to make a judgement on whether or not the wife needs a wheelchair - she can't know that.

Obviouspretzel · 14/07/2016 11:05

You seem a mean spirited person. So not only has his life not gone as well as yours (well done btw), and his wife has cerebral palsy, but you begrudge them having a simple trip to the bingo or a meal out ? Don't donate if you don't want, that's your personal choice, but the lens you seem to view him through is unkind I think.

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