Am I the only one who finds juggling work/housework/kids/thinking for everyone a total fucking struggle all the time??

[BlueberryFanta]

Am I? Please tell me I'm not.

DH thinks he does his bit but he truly doesn't; he'll unload the dishwasher a couple of times a week and maybe put our youngest child to bed twice a week too. Occasionally he'll run the hoover round and act like he deserves a medal...

All of the thinking is left to me and I think that's the hardest part. Having to think all the time about whether we have enough milk or packed lunch stuff, do the kids need anything to take to school tomorrow, getting their uniforms sorted.

Plus there are jobs that DH just doesn't seem to want to realise exist, such as putting laundry away, changing bedding, cleaning the bathroom etc.

I have tried striking, talking calmly, begging, crying, doing rotas, you name it I've tried it but he won't do more.

Oh and in addition to working school hours 5 days per week and running a part time business from home, I also take care of my disabled mum who lives alone so need to take her out/see her most days too as she is very lonely.

Am I the only person finding this whole thing a struggle?

This is interesting as I was having a similar conversation with colleagues yesterday.

My DH is pretty good at most things and is very hands on with the DC and around the house but I always do all the day to day planning and thinking. We've fallen into this trap because I love thinking and planning and making lists. However, he deals with thinking of big things like changing our mortgage deal, doing the tax returns etc.

My bugbear is more that I'm the default parent every time. We both work FT but because of my health (and wanting to see the DC more), my career is not as high-flying as DH's. Therefore, he stays at work as late as possible without worrying about picking up the DC, or he organises going out without checking I'm available for the DC or travels for work but warns me the night before....etc.

Whenever I have to work late or have an early appointment etc. I always send him invitations for his diary so he knows he has to be available.

So much of what has been said already rings true for me. I am thinking of dropping 35 to 30 hours to cope, I am starting to think this might not help, as DH will just think oh well she is pt so she should do more anyway. 3 baskets of laundry hanging around which he keeps ignoring - I asked him again today and ended up shouting before he would do it. Maybe he should just do his own washing.

My OH won't do the laundry (any part of the washing/drying/ironing process) because he finds it "boring". Oh, so I suppose I do it because I find it THRILLING! No, I do it because it needs doing, and yes it is bloody boring!

Ironically I have the least amount of washing each week, infact I might stop doing it for a while.....

It's so depressing the frequency with which these threads come up. I work part-time which means that I have a total of 11 hours a week at home over 2 days when my children are at school. I treat those 11 hours (with the odd lunch/coffee break) as my "houseworking hours" and I fit most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping and gardening into those hours. Whatever can't be fitted into that time needs to be shared between the adult partners in the house. I don't care how many hours DH spends at work, if he is sitting around in the evening/weekend with his feet up whilst you do chores, then the work is not being evenly spread.

In terms of doing the "thinking" around what needs to be done, we have agreed to split it so DH does most financial stuff like sorting insurance, car, booking holidays etc. whilst I do most day-to-day home/kids stuff like birthday parties, clubs, school stuff. I probably have a better sense of what needs doing day-to-day as I work 18 hours out of the home and DH works 35, but if I was working full time then I would expect him to step up and do more.

I don't know how some of you do it, I am so respectful of mothers. I have a niece and a nephew and I struggle to cope with them for a few hours (and I don't usually look after them alone). I am also hopeless with housework. Add full time parenting to my job and things like having to keep a tidy house and I don't think I'd cope at all.

Just to answer the OP - you haven't read much of this site then?!

WetPaint4 Well, you have to cope but it is often not easy. some people simply don't cope I suppose. I am very good at retaining information, doing things quickly and working through lists, I am lucky in this and totally understand not everyone is the same or that they find it harder as they have more children than me.
I have perfectionist tendencies, ideally I want my house at hotel standard, not possible, so I lower my standards. I would like a husband who can remember his own passwords but he isn't the worst by a long shot. I have to remind my daughter she has two parents, sometimes I could scream when I hear "MUUUUUUUUUUUUUM" for the millionth time (especially when it is something her dad could do)
I know fine well that when my dh is watching a film or listening to music he does not have the same commentary going through his head (must get milk, post that letter, call the other mum about childcare next week, buy a cake for the in laws on Sunday, make sure school socks get bought, send in the cheque for school trip, organise for another parent to take them to that club, get cash out for school disco/fayre, get shopping delivered on Thursday as out all day Friday, toothpaste running low, oooh yes, book dentist, oh yes, and eye test, ensure plenty of gin in(!!)) on and on and on.

I have been married 39 years this month, and it has taken a long time to say that DH really pulls his weight.
He will put a wash on without prompting checking the linen basket every day, always deals with the dishes/dishwasher and does all the hoovering.

It has not always been thus and he grew up with a Mother who waited hand and foot on her whole family, and would not allow anyone in her kitchen!

He still struggles to cook as he did not grow up watching how things were "done" but Monday and Tuesday (as I was late at work) he cooked "dinner" for everyone.
I would say ask, for them to do certain things, explain what needs doing, and why you can't do it. It will come instinctively ......eventually!

I feel your pain op.
I've had some holiday recently. But didn't go anywhere was just a proper mom.& it really made me realise how stressed, uptight I am when at work. Constantly tired & rushing the kids & myself. It was so lovely to do a school run sit do homework make dinner & have family time.
I've been back a week & again have started with tired grouchy & stress despite really really trying not to.
Makes me think in our house since we both work full time but then I have the house shopping kids to take care of. I would be much nicer part time. Unfortunately just cannot afford it

Yes Yes Yes to the bloody thinking!

Dp, to be fair, is pretty hands on, will do ironing, washing etc and is great with running my dc about to various places but the thinking is all left to me.

I'm at home all day, he works 7am to 3pm. I'm disabled so restricted on the amount of things I can do.

However, I do all the shopping, meal planning, lunches, making sure dc have right kit for school, form filling, birthdays, xmas, holidays ... you get the gist.

Tomorrow dp finishes at 3pm. I have to take dd1 shopping (as promised) tomorrow afternoon, I need to be back by 3, take dp to pick up his new car, drop DD1 at work and then take DD2 swimming. In two hours. A lot of back and forwards and dp will be cook dinner but I will need to tell him what to cook. It's exhausting.

Last week when I took dd swimming he said 'what shall I cook?'. I just said 'you're an adult, use your initiative, look in the fridge' and walked out. He coped. I am turning into a hard faced bitch.

I'm with you to op. I work full time. He's just finished a 5 year degree course and is now at home. Despite my protestations he does the bare minimum. It is building resentment along with my pnd (not a good combination)! I feel like it's all too much sometimes and feel like walking away from it all xx

I love being a single parent. I have to do all the thinking, but it's much less exhausting if there's no resentment to go with it! Not to mention living with someone who actually makes your life harder by expecting you to look after them (which is what my XH was like when we were married).

The way some of your DPs/DHs act, it must be quite a libido-killer, surely?

grumpy I have the same commentary. It's exhausting.

Let me tell you what happens in my house when I'm not there (I work abroad a few times a year). DH is in charge and the DC go to school in uniform for non - uniform days, eat school dinners instead of packed lunch, miss clubs, don't see their friends as often as they'd like, and more. That's just the kids, the house looks like a bomb site.

I have no confidence whatsoever that if I stopped thinking for us all then he would take over because he has too. He has much lower standards than me, and it's up to me to get my head around that fact or leave him.

I handed over complete control of the laundry a few years ago. It's made a real difference, I don't resent him hardly at all now but I do have to bite my tongue at the state of the dried washing. Neither of us iron so I would like him to shake out the clothes more, but hey ho, it's not the end of the world.

I wonder if we'd still be together if I didn't escape abroad every so often and clear my head of mum crap!

Blueberry I totally agree with you. Currently flopped on sofa, have not kept up to speed with my usual thinking for the household and now everything is going to pieces.

Men who don't contribute to family life will have an impact not just on your well-being but also on the children, so it does need addressing. In our family, all work is shared depending on our talents and we both have always worked full-time. I find the planning and thinking easy, so it's not a chore to me. On the other hand, I can't drive and loathe cooking, so dh does all that, including food shopping. We work well together and when dc were younger and at home, they all had jobs to do to contribute. That's how it should be, I think. Ds did once say 'I've done the washing up for you' to me but never said it again!
Making a generalisation, but it's not acceptable for fathers/men to opt out in this way.

I suddenly had pneumonia so DH suddenly had to take over all of my everything. He did very well (working ft from home instead of the office, juggling DC, cooking etc) but fucking hell. He still needed me to do 95% of the thinking, and no housework happened for a fortnight.

I totally feel for you BlueberryFanta and completely agree with SolidGoldBrass and Kerala1 re it being a luxury that you can concentrate solely on your career and another reason why men reach promoted positions with such ease. It's also one of the many reasons I am currently divorcing my useless ExH. The majority of women simply don't realise the amount of work having children creates - how can they? By the time they do its too late and it takes superhuman effort to find the strength and resources to leave. How they treat you is how they feel about you, believe them.

I told DH I would leave if he didn't begin to notice all the unseen labour and do some himself. He didn't believe me so I left. Once he realised I meant it, he managed to see the dirt and work out when pirate costumes/packed lunches/PE kits were needed. Now we are 50/50, but we als play to our strengths and always do certain jobs.

It's fairly important to bear in mind the social/cultural/historic reasons for this, though. Firstly, understand that for centuries, men have designated women as property/servants/inferior. There's nothing 'natural' about it at all: it's a racket, which men (collectively, not talking about Your Nigel or any specific culture or ethnicity) have invented, benefited from and are often reluctant to give up. Once you realise this, you will be less likely to feel guilty or demanding when you explain to a male partner that he needs to do his fair share of domestic work, or you will leave him. You will be able to ignore - or put right - the people who try to tell you that men's brains are 'wired differently/they don't see dirt/they can't multitask/they are just giant children.' It's all bullshit (just like all religion, homeopathy and the entire diet industry).
Knowing that it is a cultural thing and not biology might also help you improve the situation if you have married a reasonable man who means well but grew up accepting the idea that women serve men. If he's never actually thought about it, there is some hope of getting through to him that you are his partner, his equal, not his servant.
However, if you have repeatedly asked him to do his share and he has repeatedly done sod all, he's not prepared to give up his socially-backed privileged position, because his comfort and wellbeing matters more to him than your happiness and health.
If he does no domestic work, criticizes the amount of domestic work you do (the house is a mess, you haven't cooked a sufficiently elaborate and labour-intensive meal) and complains if you are not eager for sex on top of all that, then he really doesn't consider women to be human at all, the marriage is unfixable and you should get out as quickly as you can.

Agree with SGB.

Great summary (and call to arms)!