Am I the only one who finds juggling work/housework/kids/thinking for everyone a total fucking struggle all the time??

[BlueberryFanta]

Am I? Please tell me I'm not.

DH thinks he does his bit but he truly doesn't; he'll unload the dishwasher a couple of times a week and maybe put our youngest child to bed twice a week too. Occasionally he'll run the hoover round and act like he deserves a medal...

All of the thinking is left to me and I think that's the hardest part. Having to think all the time about whether we have enough milk or packed lunch stuff, do the kids need anything to take to school tomorrow, getting their uniforms sorted.

Plus there are jobs that DH just doesn't seem to want to realise exist, such as putting laundry away, changing bedding, cleaning the bathroom etc.

I have tried striking, talking calmly, begging, crying, doing rotas, you name it I've tried it but he won't do more.

Oh and in addition to working school hours 5 days per week and running a part time business from home, I also take care of my disabled mum who lives alone so need to take her out/see her most days too as she is very lonely.

Am I the only person finding this whole thing a struggle?

I have to tell him to do it

I can really relate to this. I'm a SAHM and I do 95%of the house work. All cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, meal planning, shopping, hoovering etc. Dp takes the bins out (as in moves the wheely 5 feet, not) and will 'help me out' with bits at the weekend. He will do housework but only if I tell him what needs doing, when the most appropriate time to do it is and provide him with anything he needs to do it. I'm tired of being the only decision maker. He says things like "if you get something easy in that I can cook then I will cook it" and "if you tell me what need doing I'll do it". He'll say " what are the kids having for tea?"on a Saturday 20 minutes before they're due to eat.

We're going on holiday at the end of the week. So far he has expressed concern that the sky box might fill up whilst we're away. And that's it. Last night he said that if anything needs doing he'd be happy to help. I understand that as a SAHM I have more time at home but it's tiring having to make all of the plans.

As a man, it's easy to forget what goes on in the home when I'm at work. I endeavour to do my bit; just because my job finishes at 5 doesn't mean family life does as well.

My wife often feels exhausted working part time and then looking after the kids. I used to cook dinner when I got home but I don't get home early enough now, but I still make sure I do my share of the dishwasher, clothes, entertaining the kids etc.

Make sure your husband knows what a big deal it is, and why he needs to do more around the house. A token whip round with the hoover is not enough. Have you tried allocating him a certain task? It might help to send the message that he's not just "helping out" but actually has to be responsible for a certain chore. Take it from there and see what conversations need to be had if he's not pullig his weight.

You know, there is a good case to be made for calling some of these men abusive. Particularly if they have been repeatedly told to pull their weight - as a PP describes 'crying, begging, shouting, asking nicely' to no effect - and they still don't make any effort.

Don't buy into the utter bullshit that men 'don't see dirt/don't understand what needs to be done' for a single second. They are deliberately refusing to do their fair share because, deep down, they think that women exist for men's benefit and all the million little bits of domestic shitwork that add up to an exhausting, stressful load are just... women's work.

If your male partner behaves like this, he thinks that he is more important than you, and he doesn't care that you are knackered, sad and resentful. Because being able to dump the work on you and enjoy whatever leisure activities he prefers are more important to him than your feelings/health/happiness. It's perfectly reasonable to end a relationship if the man will not do his fair share of domestic work. Because why should you share your home with someone who considers you a servant he has a right to stick his dick in?

I hate being expected to do all the 'thinking' - mainly because I haven't figured out how to out-source it!

We have a cleaner, so I don't do very much housework. But I find keeping track of two DC and their ever-changing evening schedule exhausting.

We had an argument recently because I announced that DD had to give up an activity after the summer. It apparently hadn't occurred to DH that I would no longer be prepared to leave work early and then drive around town picking up/dropping off children before finally arriving home 2 hours after having left work every bloody friday. (I only live 10 miles away from work - the journey would take

Yes I have this issue too. DH is good at doing the obvious daily stuff like washing up - and if I give him a task he will do it (after multiple reminders from me ) - but all the thinking, planning ahead, remembering what needs doing and who needs to be where falls to me.

So much so that, when DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, I said I just want him to organise for us to do something. I don't really care what it is - but I want him to be the one who finds a free date, finds a babysitter, researches places to go, and books the tickets/table. Because ordinarily I do every single last bit of organising in our household.

Oubliette, I love the idea of outsourcing the thinking.

Yanbu. I only work very part time and struggle. My dh works full time but doesn't really see how much I do.

I am with you OP, I work full time, leave the house 7.15am and arrive home 7pm if lucky. At the moment I am doing drop off and pick up of the kids because of DH's work location.

I do 85% of the household chores easily, DH either doesn't 'think' to do them, or has to be told. He will clean out his reptiles for example, and act like he has done me a favour or made some great contribution. He puts a load of washing on maybe once a week, hangs it badly so it dries extra crumpled. He is just generally rubbish at housework and I get so angry. He will hoover if prompted, very occasionally does the dusting. he has not cleaned the bathroom once, never. I wouldn't trust him to now to be honest.

I am a bit fucked off with feeling like a skivvy in all honesty.

I e seen someone on here use the term 'logistical glue' before. It sums it up nicely. It is exhausting and demoralising.

sisyphus so sorry for your loss.

I've read comments on lots of threads along the lines of "stop doing things for him" but I really struggle to see how that works in practice. Washing up for example. Does the husband have "his own" plates? So when he runs out surely he'll just take one from "my" pile. Vacuuming / cleaning bathrooms / changing bedding etc can't be split, surely?

There's a little Ray of sunshine on another thread that can tell you where you're going wrong

It's hard. I'm now a sahm after having 3rd Dc, but 99% of the time the responsibility falls to me for all the detritus of every day life. Haircuts, shoes, dental, nits, transition day, being the one that has it all ready all the time, plus being first point of call for 3 kids all day. But dh works long hours, we have a comfortable life and a nice home. In order to achieve this, he needs to work long hours and work from home. Division of labour can't ever really be equal can it, because our jobs are so different. I consider it a privilege to be able to have time off with my children and when I was working part time I was miserable, stressed, exhausted and unhappy. I have been trying to consolidate two wisdoms in my house though, and they are : when you're at work, I'm at work. As soon as you're home, then it's equal share of all tasks. And 2, equal leisure time ie. If he plays football or goes out, then I have the opportunity to do the same. For a while I was a Martyr, through exhaustion mainly. It works well for us and we don't argue about it so it must be working ok.

I read wife work and I didn't get angry. Does that mean I am too broken or my dh is too perfect?

He isn't, he is a lot like many discussed here: all the thinking falls to me but he does work hard at home. But maybe the difference is he is very appreciative of my efforts and we communicate well

I'll just leave this here

Agree Diamond and as a pp said, 90% of the logistical/thinking stuff is DC related so if I stopped doing that it would be them that would suffer, not DH.

"Stop doing stuff for him" doesn't really work when you have DC.

Oh and agree angryangry - DH holds down a senior and well paid job which involves remembering and juggling loads of tasks. (So do I as it happens). If he can do it at work he can bloody well do it at home. It's just that he has never learned to think of it as his problem.

I think grocery shopping, meals and cooking is about half of all the thinking. My Dh does that and I do everything else (in terms of thinking). It feels like an equal split to me.

Oh except I just realised he does his own friends and family birthdays and Xmas presents too.

God yes. Yanbu op.

I agree that it's the thinking. I never was houseproud, and DH is better at looking after himself as he goes, but it ends up being me mentally keeping track of how many school shirts left, school communications etc.

With things like food, DH will take an easy option and bung something in the oven. He won't think in the big picture and realise that he's not eaten anything other than beige, pizza or fast food in days. I'm there mentally occupied with the ratio of convenience food to nutritious food rattling through my head.

I am the default parent because my work out of the home is shorter. I cook because I get home earlier and it's impractical for the DCs to wait for him to be in first. However, I've made up extra time by getting up one or two hours earlier doing work from home before he gets up. In theory we divide and conquer on getting the children to two destinations in the morning. However the reality is that I'm in the room with both DCs so nag and assist DS1 while I'm in there sorting DS2 anyway.

It's pretty tricky to split things completely evenly, particularly the organisation side of it. Mentally tracking the needs of the whole family is wearing. Even if I write it down, I can't do it without thinking about it first.

Mental note to self: remind him that's he's coming home early because I'm heading out! Dammit!

This thread has reminded me of a recent conversation I had with DH.

He came home from work one Wednesday evening and said "shall we go and stay with my sister this weekend?

His thought process would have been something like:

1. Have idea
2. Ring sister to confirm
3. Get in car and go

My thoughts :

1. DS has a swimming lesson on Friday afternoon. I wonder if I can swap his class? Or is it too late...
2. Damn, my mum's away, she can't have the dogs. I wonder if X could take them.
3. Im a bit behind on the washing, I'll need to catch up or we'll be stuck on Monday.
4. I wonder if I can get Monday morning off to catch up?

And so on. And whilst this is all going through my head DH then complains that obviously I don't want to go and that's FINE he'll go alone...

I have one child in ks2 and work school hours 2 days a week.
So I do 99% of the household stuff. The only thing I cannot do is cut the grass. It's so bloody frustrating, we have a petrol mower which I can rarely start. 🙄 I've asked him to consider a plug in but he loves his petrol mower. He works f.t so is knackered. The grass is always longer than I would like it to be. It's a shame because I have made the garden look beautiful.all that digging is exhausting.
He books the holidays. He is excellent at sourcing excellent deals and top hotels. 👍🏻👌🏻
He NEVER puts child to bed, instead he prefers to annoy the fuck out of her when I'm trying to calm her for sleep. Knob end. He never plays with her (catch. Go to the playground etc) even at the weekend. That fucks me off. I'm still sole carer. Bad for her bad for me.
I do ALL sorting school stuff, brownies, friends coming over, entertainment, listening, advising, shouting, etc. He hasn't got a clue.
When I think about it, even when I worked 5 days per week and cared for child, he still did fuck all around the house. But at least he pays for us all to live here and it's a lovely place.
I also sorted holiday c.care in my paid roles........in fact, I used to book his annual leave one day a week in summer so I saved money on c.care which came out of my wages.

Oh and I don't do his ironing. Just mine and Childs. I haven't picked up his dirties for years and won't. I leave them in a pile by his wardrobe and if.when he puts in the basket I wash all clothes.

When I tackled my DH about this very issue, he said quite categorically "I work one week ahead!" One fuckin week
This was in May and I'd already sorted summer holiday childcare for the six weeks. So blinkered.

Congratulations on doing all that you do, of course you can't do any more. Seriously, stop washing, ironing, shopping and cooking for your husband; concentrate on you and your children and leave him to sort himself out. He is incredibly selfish and needs to learn the hard way what you do for him.

Since I've been a single parent it has been much easier. Plus I'm no longer seething with resentment at XP because I did all the thinking as well as more work in the home. I work ft. These are some things that help:

Stock up on birthday cards from Tiger.
I no longer give kids birthday presents, but £10 in a card (after I really appreciated someone doing this for dd).
Put as much as possible on dd and online billing, accounts etc.
Mobile banking.
Lower expectations re housework.
And cooking.
Note things in phone calendar asap.
Carry notebook at all times - make lists.
Shopping lists, to do, holiday packing etc. This helps relax the brain.
I rarely go to shops apart from food shop. I do shop online if needed.

Bigger picture - declutter massively.
Make sure everything has a place. Then keep it there. Train DC to do same.

Let go of reminding P to do xyz. If you can be responsible etc so can he. If he Fucks up, it's his fuck up. Let him.