Am I the only one who finds juggling work/housework/kids/thinking for everyone a total fucking struggle all the time??

[BlueberryFanta]

Am I? Please tell me I'm not.

DH thinks he does his bit but he truly doesn't; he'll unload the dishwasher a couple of times a week and maybe put our youngest child to bed twice a week too. Occasionally he'll run the hoover round and act like he deserves a medal...

All of the thinking is left to me and I think that's the hardest part. Having to think all the time about whether we have enough milk or packed lunch stuff, do the kids need anything to take to school tomorrow, getting their uniforms sorted.

Plus there are jobs that DH just doesn't seem to want to realise exist, such as putting laundry away, changing bedding, cleaning the bathroom etc.

I have tried striking, talking calmly, begging, crying, doing rotas, you name it I've tried it but he won't do more.

Oh and in addition to working school hours 5 days per week and running a part time business from home, I also take care of my disabled mum who lives alone so need to take her out/see her most days too as she is very lonely.

Am I the only person finding this whole thing a struggle?

Seriously fuck ironing stuff.
Dry clothes on hangers. Put them straight away.

It's not just you.

My husband is more like a huge pet than a partner. He does next to nothing and I'm secretly livid. He is incredibly lazy and selfish, but will always argue the toss.

I really do wish that we could still be a couple, but live in separate houses. I would like him a lot more if I didn't have to cook and clean for him.

Another approach I've seen suggested here is division of labour. Split entire tasks, like laundry. Afterwards, laundry doesn't exist in your world. You're like those highly blinkered WOH dads who don't 'see' it. You don't comment on the laundry. The house-elves do it, for all you care. This obviously requires very low standards to begin with, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's the only way to get out of being responsible for all the thinking.

I'm soon going back to work from maternity leave, and I'm already trying to think about what to do in order not to get stuck being the default planner.

Any tips gratefully received...

Now it feels so good when the DC get party invites for weekends they are with him, I simply email them over.

I used to worry if he would do present/card etc now I don't care

I guess he does something. I don't even ask. This used to really bother me but letting go is great.

I fear the utter luxury of having a main parent doing all the "stuff" passes some by.

Also wfh with own business so all falls to me. Recently had X 3 days in an office with commute which I did plus my own business plus running house end of term stuff and X 4 paying guests. Camping trip at the weekend with kids Dh not around so did all packing putting up tents etc alone. By Sunday I was ill.

Being able to concentrate on just your job is a total fucking luxury and why many men whizz up the corporate ladder.

And this is precisely why I don't work! Because my DH would never step up at home - even if I worked FT - and I would end up doing everything and being run ragged.

OP you sound utterly exhausted. If you have the energy I'd do whatever you can to simplify your life and delegate a bit. Can you afford a cleaner? Is there a day centre your DM could go to or a friend who might visit or take her out regularly to ease the burden on you? Do you already have your groceries delivered? Would drawing up a rota for household jobs help the other members of your household pitch in? Can your kids help out more? My 8-year-old is learning to be quite helpful (feeding the fish, putting stuff in the laundry basket, closing windows and doors before we go out - just small stuff). Would giving certain tasks to your DH on a permanent basis remove the ambiguity about who is responsible for what? I simply wouldn't tolerate his unhelpfulness if I were as busy as you are.

Now the dds are adults I changed to full time and I'm utterly exhausted.
Dp is working 12hrs six day a week at the moment and I've not had a full weekend off in 6months.
I actually cried when I was in the bath last night, everything has got on top off me.

for you op.

I work as a teacher four days a week. Husband is a chef. He literally does nothing but work. Even at weekends. He's gone before they get up and back when they're in bed. Once that happens, I'm marking.

I do everything. I sort out the childminders, I get them up, do the food, the washing, the dog. I gave up doing evening meals for him and just eat with the kids.

I have no life. I pointed out to him at the weekend that if I died he would have literally no idea of how to go about things. He doesn't know their dentist, doctor, school workers. I do it all.

He's running his own business. He says he will sell it in ten years and relax, but we'll all have left home by then.

On the plus side, I know how to do everything, even teach ds to fish and how to drill and how to deal with the senco and paedeatrician. I've done every parents evening ever alone.

He does work hard and is consumed with building the business for our future. It's very hard in.this climate. But he's missing the now!

If I could afford a cleaner I'd get one! I just do the necessary. Some things slide.

I always make at least 18,000 steps a day though!

No it's not just you.

It's unacceptable and yet so "accepted" by so many it seems.
It fucks me off no end.

We both work, dh full time, me in excess of 50 hours per week (around our 2 kids).
I do all household stuff, he does car repairs, holiday bookings, occasionally cooks, occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher. But leaves half the fucking dirty plates out if they are not near the dishwasher.......erm can't actually think of anything else.

He is an awsome dad, but then I'm an awsome mum & manage everything.

Sometimes wonder how and why I got into this position, think it's upbringing. His mum is the wee wifey running ragged after his dad,him & his brothers, never worked while his dad worked.

My kids have jobs, no fucking way will they treat a partner this way, not while I can teach them equality and how to do your bit.

Op i feel your pain . And A lot of It's just the sheer headspace
I'm tired all the time, no one sees what I do. Dh does a lot but I feel like he's doing me a favour
The sad thing is my dh is "good" compared to most shitty men

OP, this sounds very familiar to me. My DP will do specific set tasks if I ask him to e.g. wash up dishes, fetch DD from Brownies etc, but all the planning and thinking falls to me. As pp have said, my mind is always whirring with millions of 'to do' lists. I think part of this is called emotional labour. Interesting article on it:
www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/08/women-gender-roles-sexism-emotional-labor-feminism

I have the same problem.

I got a cleaner. She comes once a week and it costs me £20. She does floors and bathrooms and dusts/hoovers everywhere.

It has totally saved my sanity. We can't really afford it but something had to give.

Dh does the dishwasher, the garden, cars, technology, heavy lifting and garage type stuff. Bins too when overflowing(!)

I do everything else DC and school related, run two businesses which take up about 5 days out of 7, all the laundry and ironing, plan/shop/cook meals, tidy the house and attempt to keep on top of things, organise our lives, holidays, finances, paperwork, birthdays, Xmas, yadda yadda.
I think my days are 48 hours long and his only 24 perhaps?!

It's quite depressing isn't it. I gave up a good home run business as when you work from home the kids don't really seem to get it that you actually work.

So can me and 2 mates have a lift in 5 mins

no I am working can't mates mum do it

no she's at work wtaf do you think I do?

Packed it in to save myself the stress and am now a support system for 4 kids, dh, parents etc.

anyone

I hear you OP. The thinking is exhausting.

We are the Default Parents.

If anyone has found some practical ways of sharing this "thinking" load with a helpful-but-in-need-of-direction DH I would be very interested. I posted a thread about this recently in chat.
Unfortunately it seems there is no magic wand. I suspect if men have grown up with mothers who take the majority of the load it is more difficult to assume role automatically. I'm not in anyway defending them, I have just been reflecting on my own situation. My own working life is so far removed from my MIL's life which was leaving school early to help with her own family and then being a SAHM, which I think she did very successfully. And now as part of a retired couple she certainly seems to have the knack of telling FIL what he has to do (a lot!!)

Honestly, the best solution if your life is like this is get rid of the man. Tell him to leave. If he's the sort that leaves dirty dishes/clothes everywhere then that will cut down a chunk of your workload. You will also be free of the crippling stress of trying to work out the magic button that will make the lazy sexist bastard do his share. It is a lot better to be a single parent than to have a man in the house treating you as an unpaid servant.

I can only echo everybody else who has agreed with you. And its not because my husband isn't loving and doesn't care (and he must have the patience of a saint to live with me) I'm just convinced he is blind and his brain isn't wired to think! I find myself constantly having to stop and remind myself I am only one woman! I'm mum to DD who's 3, 7 months pregnant, organising a house move whilst working 30 hours a week in a stressful job and that means I can't do everything and whilst if I 'asked' my husband to do most things he would it's the thinking what needs to be done or being able to clearly see what needs doing but still having to point it out drives me to distraction and I'm better pretending it doesn't need doing or risk a total meltdown on a daily basis! There's a reason the washer has been full for 3 days and still not turned on, I can walk around the vacuum that's been in the middle of our bedroom for a week because I don't feel confident carrying it back downstairs, I can fill the fridge with food but still have to tell DH what we have in and what to cook each night (I know I'm lucky he will at least cook) and you know it's gone beyond a joke when your FIL only gets a card from his granddaughter on Father's Day because that's what you bought, whilst buying cards and presents and booking meals for your own Dad, DH and Grandad! On the plus side the DH is more than aware that I am not going near a bin anytime ever so he does usually manage to sort that when they start to overflow.

Stop doing so much stuff

Like what iminshock?

I do think SGB has it right (upthread).

I'm PT from home (professional/academic job). Dh is FT (stressful professional job, caring profession, difficult setting). I obv do most of the on-the-ground childcare during the week. I also do most of the big- and smaller-picture thinking/planning - everything from remembering birthdays and medical appts to choosing schools. However, when dh is here he is just as plugged in/switched on as me. If I haven't planned/started dinner and he is home in enough time, he will look at the fridge and say 'OK, I'll make XYZ', with XYZ being a good, decent, healthy meal. He'll think to check the dc's homework if I haven't (TBF I usually do). I go away overnight for work occasionally and know I can go with, at most, a brief reminder that it's trumpet lesson on Tuesday and French club on Wednesday (for example). He does 90% of the food shopping, a chore I loathe. I do all the laundry but if I asked him to do it he would, and reasonably competently. Tbh I think he does more than his fair share in terms of how much we each work OTH. And we pass the MN 'equal leisure time' litmus test easily. I do think all this springs from his attitude that he is just as responsible as me for keeping the domestic show on the road. I'm lucky. But I'm also experiencing the way it should be. I honestly don't know the answer for those of you whose dhs/ps won't pull their weight

Stop doing everything if it is bothering you - he'll soon change when he has no clean clothes or food in the house. DH and I both work FT so have always split what needs doing - I do the food shopping, he cooks. We both do our own ironing. Having a cleaner helps. DH changes the bed, I do the laundry. DT's are at Uni but when they were younger taking them to school, activities etc were split although DH probably did far more than me as he worked locally whereas I frequently worked away.

Like a pp, I pointed out to my DH a couple of weeks ago that if I died suddenly or had to spend some time away that he would be utterly lost. He does agree thank goodness.
I work full time s/e and pretty much run the show, he will do the 'obvious' hoover, bins, dishwasher and put on a wash but it would never occur to him to wash towels/tea towels.
It is me that does packed lunches, organises play dates, remembers milk/bread/shampoo. On the other hand he does all the driving around. I have had to say 'no' a lot recently as resentment has been setting in, so 'Can you phone my mum Grumpy' 'No, sorry I am working/making dinner etc.' I think the message is getting through slowly
He is not a bad man, I blame myself a bit as I am just too damn competent! (my work means I have to remember a lot and really hold a lot of information)
He is brilliant at DIY, but of course shelves only need putting up once in a blue moon, food is thrice daily. I did go a bit mad a couple of weeks ago
"I earned it, I shopped for it, I cooked it, I am not going to bloody clear up after it"

I feel similar but actually we've split the thinking work - he thinks money, house maintenance and holidays, and I think everything else.

So I literally have no idea what day the direct debits go out or who the gas supplier is or how much the home insurance costs or when the loft needs lagging. And he has no idea when the dentist is or who has a packed lunch on which day or when the next white load needs to be or what needs to come out of the freezer tonight for tea tomorrow.

Both sets of thinking are exhausting. I'm grateful I only do one set.

But I really don't think you can actually meaningfully split the thinking down much further. That is, you can't share the thinking for any particular area; you can only share out areas.

I organised a collection for the teacher for end of term. Class of 30. Not one father paid the money and signed the card - not one. Tells you all you need to know about who does this round the edges stuff.

Yes we could not bother but a fantastic teacher whose given her all all year and has her own small Dc might be hurt and that would be crap.