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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU is she really ok?

62 replies

PinkBlueBrown · 11/07/2016 18:57

So I'm sure every playground has them....the mum who appears stuck up, often aloof...has a select group of friends...often ignores you but on other occasions talks to you like well you're the best of friends. This one in particular started 'the' Facebook page to connect all the year group mum's and then of course organised the obligatory first drinks. She knew the class lists before anyone else and thinks she's 'in' with the teachers. The issue I have is well a few mum's have commented on her general kind of pickiness as to who she talks too...my issue with her is she's generally ok at parties etc if you catch her on her own. It's that 'walking past' on the school run or in 'school queue' you feel ignored. I shouldn't give two hoots and there are a number of mum's who feel like this mainly cos she's been the one on Facebook who is the organiser and super social. Personally I think she's probably more confident online than in person. In person she can be on or off. Why are some mum's like this? Is it a power trip? Is she genuinely just in her own world...I don't get her.

OP posts:
branofthemist · 11/07/2016 19:24

Hmm people often think I am aloof, up myself etc. Because I don't stand and chat everyone. I have a few friends at the school ate who I talk to. But don't talk to everyone.

I have aspergers. Kids parties are an ordeal that are very difficult for me to chit chat at.

I also find our class fb group invaluable.

Quiet frankly I don't care what other mums think. They aren't my friends. Their kids just happen to be the same age mine are.

And also, since you clearly have been talking about her behind her back, she shouldn't care what you think either.

I certainly wouldn't.

My question is why do some parents (dads do the school run too) take such offence at people they barely know? And why would you all talk about her behind her back?

dangermouseisace · 11/07/2016 19:29

You'd probably think I was one of those people. I have difficulty recognising faces so often it's not until I start talking to someone that I cotton on to who they are. I worry about saying hello to people I think I recognise for them to be someone else. I can't be the only person like this….

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 19:31

The issue I have is well a few mum's have commented on her general kind of pickiness as to who she talks too

Why do you think she has some kind of obligation to talk to everyone, whether she knows them or not, or likes them or not? It sounds more like your problem.

WhyShouldYou · 11/07/2016 19:34

It's weird given the huge number of possible reasons someone might behave like this that the conclusion is often that they are stuck up. Pots and kettles?!

Griphook · 11/07/2016 19:36

You sound like you've all be gossiping behind her back!! Not sure I'd want to talk to you if you
Were dissecting my personality.

Something at pick up/ drop off I pass people who I say hello to sometimes wrapped up in how shit the morning was or what work I have to do and I don't always notice people. I'm not being stuck up

Canyouforgiveher · 11/07/2016 19:36

I don't get it. She is aloof and stuck up but she organised the facebook page for the whole class and organised a get together for all the mums? That makes no sense.

I can understand why it happens - it can be hard to navigate the enforced sociability of the school gate and you want to be friendly with everyone because of your children but honestly, I doubt very much if she is deliberately ignoring anyone. People don't look around them much but of course will notice their particular friends.

And clearly people are talking about her and not in a nice way. This is the bit of the school gate culture that would annoy me. Not a woman being confident enough to organise an all-class get-together.

She mightn't "get" you either. Who cares? She is just an acquaintance.

AnnaMarlowe · 11/07/2016 19:38

So there's a nice, very organised Mum in your child's year who has:

Set up FB on behalf of the year
Organised a year group parent social
Volunteers for the school/PTA (I assume that's what you mean by "in with the teachers"?)
Talks to you really nicely if she encounters you at parties and occasionally at the school gate.

And you are upset with her why?

Because she mostly talks to her particular friends at the school gate?

Don't you see how deeply unreasonable you are being?

ghostyslovesheep · 11/07/2016 19:52

I have never come across this - who socialise with school parents? I've never been for drinks with class parents nor do I have or want a class list.

I work - it's drop and run - run and grab - I'm so glad this all passes me by!

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 19:58

She's meeting her needs by being like this

I don't think these kind of organisers are necessarily doing it because they care deeply about everyone else, but because it suits them and makes them feel good, and they have time and skills to utilise

Let her get on with it - it's no slight on you. Talking about her insn't kind

On another note, mums doesn't have an apostrophe, because out's just a plural

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 19:59

And isn't isn't spelled insn't as it was by me above!! Grin

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 20:00

it's not "out's" - really must try to be a careful typist when correcting grammar

AArgh Blush

Tworingsandamicrowave · 11/07/2016 20:03

I feel your pain NotYoda Grin

ChicRock · 11/07/2016 20:05

Well you all sound as if you've been having a good old bitch about her behind her back. Maybe she's picked up on that?

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 20:09

Tworings

I'll get my coat

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 11/07/2016 20:09

She's probably short sighted. Or an introvert. Or has depression. Or she's just not good at doing two things at once.

I'd cut her some slack.

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 20:10

I am pretty sure I have blanked people in the street in the last couple of years. Eyesight going/too vain to wear my specs

catsilversilk · 11/07/2016 20:12

I second what AnnaMarlowe said

I don't actually get what it is you have an issue with. She sounds fine and you sound a bit needy. If she is nice to you when she speaks to you so what is the problem? If she rushes past in the morning and doesn't have time to talk maybe she has had a shit morning or isn't in the mood to talk, or desperately needs a wee or is thinking of all the things she needs to do before 10am....it could be anything!

I am quite often like this (& mostly just wrapped up in my own thoughts as I race off) & I may have had a chat with my actual friends or not (they would understand either way). TBH people over-analysing who I do and don't speak to or thinking I'm hot & cold weirds me right out. Generally I'm just trying to be nice and get on with my chaotic overloaded but happy life. Trust me it is unlikely to be anything personal!

idontlikealdi · 11/07/2016 20:12

That would be me in the morning - I have a five minute window to chuck kids in the gate and get to the train. Conversation isn't going to happen.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 11/07/2016 20:12

I'm like dangermouse - I can't recognise people (unless I spend forever actively staring at labelled pictures). So I'm probably viewed as unsociable too. But I'm a fantastic organiser.

TransformersRobotsInDaSky · 11/07/2016 20:15

You're talking about someone just like me, she's trying to do something decent and you're taking her the wrong way. Just say hi next time you see her.

Original poster
PinkBlueBrown · 11/07/2016 22:59

Thanks ladies. We're not 'talking' about her but because she set the group up on Facebook etc she put herself at the centre of attention. If you do that then well yes people will say/ask things if they feel it. Dont put yourself on that pedestal then!

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkBlueBrown · 11/07/2016 22:59

Thanks for all the grammatical corrections English being my second language you would think I was taught correctly! It seems not. Thanks

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 11/07/2016 23:03

Completely agree with annamarlowe. She was nice enough to set up a Facebook group to facilitate parents communicating and/or socialising. She didn't commit to being best mates with everyone, how would that work? And she hasn't put herself on a pedestal. You sound very resentful.

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 23:04

So you're not talking about her, its just that you are "talking" about her, but its her fault anyway?
Yeah, its definitely not her, its you.

mushroomsontoast · 11/07/2016 23:07

She sounds fine!

I'm grateful to the mum who set up our school mums fb group. God knows I don't have the time or inclination to do something like that and it's really useful when you've forgotten what day the assembly is or if they need their swimming kit etc. Ditto mums nights outs, well done them for taking the trouble to organise it.

And I always just talk to anyone in the playground, but sometimes I'm in a rush/late/preoccupied and just grab the kids and go. Or talk to my friends. Hopefully noone thinks I'm blanking them.