AIBU is she really ok?

[PinkBlueBrown]

So I'm sure every playground has them....the mum who appears stuck up, often aloof...has a select group of friends...often ignores you but on other occasions talks to you like well you're the best of friends. This one in particular started 'the' Facebook page to connect all the year group mum's and then of course organised the obligatory first drinks. She knew the class lists before anyone else and thinks she's 'in' with the teachers. The issue I have is well a few mum's have commented on her general kind of pickiness as to who she talks too...my issue with her is she's generally ok at parties etc if you catch her on her own. It's that 'walking past' on the school run or in 'school queue' you feel ignored. I shouldn't give two hoots and there are a number of mum's who feel like this mainly cos she's been the one on Facebook who is the organiser and super social. Personally I think she's probably more confident online than in person. In person she can be on or off. Why are some mum's like this? Is it a power trip? Is she genuinely just in her own world...I don't get her.

Sounds like she is the person who organises everything and is probably too busy to worry about who she has and hasn't spoken to.

I'm probably "that" mum. But I'm not on a power trip!

When I do the nursery pickup I don't have time to stop and chat, and as I'm usually running I don't have my glasses on either, so often inadvertently scowl at people because I can't quite see them.

I only talk to people at pickup if they're my mates, not just to make idle chit chat. I mean, I'll smile, and try not to be rude, but social graces aren't really top of the list.

So maybe to some parents I'm the dickhead poser who turns up in Lycra, scowls, and doesn't make conversation. But that's not the intention. I'm just on foot and on my way elsewhere.

Can't see this mum has done anything wrong. Fair play to her for organising the social media side of things - I certainly couldn't be arsed to do that.

You sound a bit needy. Why do you need her to chat to you at pickup, when everyone is in a rush? And why is it not OK that she just talks to her proper friends?

Gosh I was half thinking of setting up a Facebook page for my DD's class, she's starting this year, since the page for my elder DD's class has been useful sometimes.
I won't bother if it puts me on a pedestal!

That is really funny that setting up a facebook page "sets you on a pedestal" and means you deserve people talking about you behind your back.

Did you all boycott the fb page because the cheek of her thinking she was good enough to set it up? Talk about getting above herself.

She sounds like me

I struggle to focus on group conversations and will usually end up zoning in on one or two people who I can concentrate on and listen to properly when there's a big crowd about.

Some people can kind of "talk to the room" - I can't, I need to focus on actual individuals.

Nobody, NOBODY is a social butterfly ALL THE TIME, even the most sociable of social people will have school runs where they're distracted and not focused on making every snowflake mum feel special with equal attention. YABTotallyU to expect this woman to constantly "perform" as the social glue, just go and talk to someone else!

Thanks ladies. We're not 'talking' about her but because she set the group up on Facebook etc she put herself at the centre of attention. If you do that then well yes people will say/ask things if they feel it. Dont put yourself on that pedestal then!

What? so she's just fair game forever now?

Your school gates sound awful, and not because of her!

I work at my kids school and am the chair of the PTA. My DD has left now so am in my 8th year of being at the school. I know most of the staff and people I've encountered from the PTA, my DD's year school mums and my DS1's year school mums. DS2 is starting in September.

I'm not really an aloof kind of person mostly and give people I know a smile or say hello.

However sometimes I've had a bad morning/day, feel ill, have something on my mind and I either don't notice people as much or try and get in and out without speaking to people. I'm not aloof or stuck up, I'm just busy or have other things going on.

I also have people I'm more friendly with, actual friends who I socialise with outside of school or parents who've spent a lot of years with me on the PTA who I stand and talk to. I also have others who are parents of my DC's who I see at parties etc and those parents I've never had any contact with even though their children are in my DC's year. Should I speak to everyone. Do you?

I think your being incredibly unkind. She tried to do a nice thing and now everyone thinks she should be some sort of social butterfly who has to talk to every single person.

Why do you think she has some kind of obligation to talk to everyone, whether she knows them or not, or likes them or not? It sounds more like your problem.

This. Why do you expect so much from her?

it's really hard to be "on" all the time. always the bubbly one, always the organized one, always the cheerleader, always on :(.
some days I just want time to think about and organize my own issues, maybe she is the same?

Dont put yourself on that pedestal then!

I don't think she has...but you are.

Yes you are taking about her!
Anyway you'd love me because apart from the FB page I'm almost exactly like her
I'm 'in' with the teachers because I'm going through the school mum thing for the third time now and most of them taught my other kids, I went to school with some of them plus a couple of TA's and my DS is friends with the DC of one of the teachers. I knew the class list because I asked for it first out of habit, and am even on the ptfa so I'm there at most school things serving coffees and helping to organise.
Here's the thing though, I'm also hugely socially awkward and hate making small talk with people that I don't really know. I freeze and will always zone in on people I know rather than risk that sweaty palmed cold feeling I get. I'm awful at small talk and can sometimes come across as aloof or like I'm interrogating people so it's just safer for me to stick with people I know properly.
Don't judge or bitch (yes you and your mates are doing both) because you have no clue about her!

Oh and OP, the others who you have talked about her o will fall into one of these two categories:

1. They bitch about you as you're not there

or

1. You think they agree with you because they nod and say "yeah, know what you mean", but they're really just making a mental not of what a bitchy person you are.

You sound a bit gleeful that you're "in" on the bitching, but:
Listen to how people speak about others to you, because that is how they speak about you to others

to

Unless she has styled herself "AlphaMumQueenOfTheSchool" on Facebook I fail to see how she has put herself on a "pedastle".

Setting up a FB page takes about 15 minutes. Which is probably as much thought as she gave it:

Is there a class FB page?
Oh no there's not, I'll just set one up while I'm at the laptop
Job done, I'll do a night out to get everyone used to using the page.

No self aggrandisement there. Just a nice woman with a bit of get up and go and basic FB skills.

And what does she get for it? Not even a smidge of appreciation just complaints and moaning behind her back.

no good deed goes unpunished eh?

Wow, you sound seriously unpleasant.

When dc1 started school, an experienced mum set up a FB group for our class and it's been so useful - copies of newsletters, reminders of non pupil days etc and a quick way to find lost pe kit or ask for help with queries. She's a lovely, not overly sociable woman who was handing down something she'd appreciated for her older child.

So, when dc2 started school, I set up the group. I've not put myself on a pedestal or made myself extra available for slagging off. I certainly don't want to be centre of attention.

In fact, I am what you describe. I get next to no sleep, have a small baby, a child with medical problems and am generally in a rush to get somewhere so put my head down and get on with things - stopping and chatting only when able or if a genuine friend asks how I am or makes me laugh. Some days, I'll be more rested and chilled and strike up conversation with someone new or who looks lonely and try to be warm and friendly.

Luckily our school doesn't seem to be how yours sounds. We don't have 'obligatory' drinks or go to parties with school parents and we don't have ridiculous expectations of the social aspects of the school run.

Don't indulge in this stuff, nowt good'll come of it.

She could be a bit of a cow.

Or she could be short sighted like me. I'm constantly being told that I have ignored someone. I really haven't seen them, even quite close, it just doesn't register until someone grabs me and says hello.

And when no one volunteers to set up the class FB page, do the Contact List, organise class drinks etc next year the judgements and expectations and behind-the-back gossip that seem to come along with it will be why.

We're not 'talking' about her but because she set the group up on Facebook etc she put herself at the centre of attention. If you do that then well yes people will say/ask things if they feel it. Dont put yourself on that pedestal then!

Yes you are talking about her. You said several people have talked about her.

How has she put herself on a pedestal?

She helps out at school and set up a Facebook group. I can't even remember who set ours up.

You all sound deeply unpleasant. You may even find that someone has told her to have been talking about her.

Doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong. You, on the other hand, sound like you are still at school yourself.

Me awful?! You lot are awful and such a judgemental lot! Gosh you're all bullies

Says the woman bitching at the school gates..

and you don't talk about other people? You're all soooo holier than thou?! Course you are not a wrong bone in your body? Never said anything about anyone to anyone?

What were you hoping to gain from this thread?

I'm so glad I hardly do any school runs - it's a minefield. If I spoke to everyone I knew every school pick up I'd be there all night. I have 3dc so my focus is on them rather than playground politics and small talk.

Your thread says more to me about your own insecurities than her being stuck up. She doesn't owe you chat. If you want to talk to her then go up and talk to her. Don't start a bitching thread about her not telepathically knowing you're needy and deserve a conversation.