No birthday card or gift from husband

[1girlfriday]

Am I being unreasonable? I am deeply concerned about my husband's recent behaviour.

Every year I have to babystep him through my birthday. I normally end up organising my own birthday fun but he does normally get me a card at least.

For his birthday I brought him a £700 guitar! So I really thought that this would at least remind him to do something nice for my birthday.

I reminded him that it was my birthday a month before to no real repsonse. I reminded him that my friend at work was asking what i wanted and my husnsnd still didnt listen.

I asked him again if he had any ideas 2 weeks before my birthday. He admitted he hadn't thought or got anything. When I said that it took me months to save £700 for his birthday present he just argued with me. He said that he couldn't afford anything...I said that it didn't have to be of equal value just something of equal thought...I don't care if it was a £20 gift as long as it showed some thought and he got me a card I would be happy.

Anyway after no action from my husband I decided that we should go on holiday and so I organised a trip for us and we spent some of our holiday savings on the holiday. We agreed this would be from our holiday money we had both put aside in a separate bank account (which is in my husbands name). This is not our personal money it is money we both put aside from the money we got given as a gift from family when we got married.

Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card and their was no gift either. In fact I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out. I was so upset but I didn't want it to ruin my day so I tried to ignore it.

A couple days later he asks me what's wrong as I am being quiet because i am bottling it up. When I ask him why he didn't get me a card or gift for my birthday his said he brought the holiday!

I reminded him that the holiday was brought out of our joint savings from our wedding gift money. His response was that he would probably end up paying back our savings. I didn't agree to this as he has never saved a penny in his life...it's normally me who saves money...hence the £700 guitar he got for his birthday! We both agreed we would both pay back money into our savings.

When I look back I realise that my husband never buys anyone a gift...accept for his mum. For his mum he'll take the day off and leap to her with flowers cards and presents. Even his brother comments how my husband is the favourite child.

Anyway I realised the year before he brought me a cheap joke gift. Some years he has brought me nothing at all but this is the first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it!

In response i have said to him I am not doing anything for his birthday...that got a "I will make it up to you" response. We both know those responses are a lie and amount to nothing. I will make it up to you really means I don't want to argue about this so I will say I will make it up to you but I won't.

I don't want to see my husband as selfish but more and more I am losing my rose coloured glasses and I see a spoilt brat where my husband once stood.

I have read through many help sites and see the same response....you can't change someone so suck it up. But what about me and my needs? Do I matter? Do I deserve a birthday? Why should my husband get everything he wants and if i complain about getting nothing I am seen as selfish?

I am so low about this...the only solution i have got is to cancel all our birthdays. If he wont give me a present i wont give him one. This goes against my nature but I can't keep giving to someone who won't give back.

We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events". Now it looks like I have to live a life of no celebrations not even birthdays if i want to stay with my husband.

What I don't understand is why he will fuss over his mum and not me?

I am so confused....please help!

Sell the guitar and reinstate your holiday funds. In your own account

I can't believe no one has told you to LTB

Did you buy the expensive guitar partly in a vain hope he'd feel shamed into getting a gift for you?

Freethinker? You mean freeloader.

It is theft. Taking something from someone else is theft.

I live with dh and if he stole my possessions and sold them then I would divorce him.

You can laugh at me all you want, but her husband has every right to phone the police for the theft.

There are some really good points on here that you need to think about.

Firstly, if you decide to have children. Will he not be celebrating their birthday or Christmas? I take it that will be all down to you, as they will want and expect to celebrate. How do you think that will work out as they're growing up, and also seeing that Daddy only cares about Grandma and not Mummy.

You won't be getting anything for Mother's Day as it will be down to him to organise it and he doesn't believe in it. I bet his mum gets something though, right?

He doesn't believe in celebrating 'hallmark' anniversaries, but is more than happy to accept a £700 guitar off you.

You aren't as important as his mum. Your thoughts and feelings and wants don't matter. His mum does.

Why does he get to decide you don't celebrate this stuff? Why do his feelings trump yours?

He sounds like a dickhead.
Why don't you go out and get a Christmas tree, cover the house in glitter and buy yourself some nice presents?
It can be a joint celebration: Christmas in July/ Time to start living how you want instead of this miserable git controlling what you celebrate.

Selfish, lazy men use "principles" like this to ensure they don't have to do any of that messy "emotional labor" stuff. They don't want to lower themselves to your level and yes, that's how they think of it, truly, thinking of other people is lowering themselves in order to buy a gift.

Please consider whether this is someone you really want to spend your life with. Perhaps if you walk away over this issue, he might get his head out of his ass and realize that being in relationships requires give and take. The only reason men think they can keep getting away with these behaviors is that there are women out there who'll let them do it and stay in a relationship with them, meeting all their needs, while they do little or nothing.

Op he's not a free thinker he's a dick! Funny how he overcame his principles and accepted the guitar ( wasn't that a real Hallmark moment). He also manages to celebrate his mums birthday. Life is tough enough as it is without eliminating all the fun things - imagine a child living in a family where you didn't celebrate Christmas or birthdays. How grim! In my house we don't work birthdays, you get breakfast in bed and prezzies and there's always a homemade cake. It doesn't have to be expensive but it shows your partner that in a sea of boring work and chores that you are special and your birth is to be celebrated.

Free thinker my arse. He's smug and mean and pretending he's above celebrating your birthday to validate his attitude.

SOOO you plan something with friends for both your birthday and his, and never buy him another thing.

Miserable bastard.
Bin.

It’s because he doesn’t respect you- for one reason or another. He knows what is important to you but choses not to take the opportunity to show you are appreciated in a way that is important to you. This is a choice he makes and it reflects on him though, not your worth so don’t gauge how valuable you are by how someone like this decides to treat you. There could be a lot going on for him but it’s not okay, and you’ve done the right thing to communicate this to him.

You both sound bonkers, tbh. £700 is a crazy amount to spend on someone's birthday, especially when you're having to save up to do it. But equally no card or gift is also ridiculous. It does sound as though there was a mix up about the holiday, and honestly I can't get excited about whether it's your money or joint money, or whatever.

I think you need a sensible plan that you both agree to and actually do. E.g. £50 budget or £100 budget for a present, plus a nice takeaway and a card. And he has to remember to do it for you, without reminders.