No birthday card or gift from husband

[1girlfriday]

Am I being unreasonable? I am deeply concerned about my husband's recent behaviour.

Every year I have to babystep him through my birthday. I normally end up organising my own birthday fun but he does normally get me a card at least.

For his birthday I brought him a £700 guitar! So I really thought that this would at least remind him to do something nice for my birthday.

I reminded him that it was my birthday a month before to no real repsonse. I reminded him that my friend at work was asking what i wanted and my husnsnd still didnt listen.

I asked him again if he had any ideas 2 weeks before my birthday. He admitted he hadn't thought or got anything. When I said that it took me months to save £700 for his birthday present he just argued with me. He said that he couldn't afford anything...I said that it didn't have to be of equal value just something of equal thought...I don't care if it was a £20 gift as long as it showed some thought and he got me a card I would be happy.

Anyway after no action from my husband I decided that we should go on holiday and so I organised a trip for us and we spent some of our holiday savings on the holiday. We agreed this would be from our holiday money we had both put aside in a separate bank account (which is in my husbands name). This is not our personal money it is money we both put aside from the money we got given as a gift from family when we got married.

Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card and their was no gift either. In fact I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out. I was so upset but I didn't want it to ruin my day so I tried to ignore it.

A couple days later he asks me what's wrong as I am being quiet because i am bottling it up. When I ask him why he didn't get me a card or gift for my birthday his said he brought the holiday!

I reminded him that the holiday was brought out of our joint savings from our wedding gift money. His response was that he would probably end up paying back our savings. I didn't agree to this as he has never saved a penny in his life...it's normally me who saves money...hence the £700 guitar he got for his birthday! We both agreed we would both pay back money into our savings.

When I look back I realise that my husband never buys anyone a gift...accept for his mum. For his mum he'll take the day off and leap to her with flowers cards and presents. Even his brother comments how my husband is the favourite child.

Anyway I realised the year before he brought me a cheap joke gift. Some years he has brought me nothing at all but this is the first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it!

In response i have said to him I am not doing anything for his birthday...that got a "I will make it up to you" response. We both know those responses are a lie and amount to nothing. I will make it up to you really means I don't want to argue about this so I will say I will make it up to you but I won't.

I don't want to see my husband as selfish but more and more I am losing my rose coloured glasses and I see a spoilt brat where my husband once stood.

I have read through many help sites and see the same response....you can't change someone so suck it up. But what about me and my needs? Do I matter? Do I deserve a birthday? Why should my husband get everything he wants and if i complain about getting nothing I am seen as selfish?

I am so low about this...the only solution i have got is to cancel all our birthdays. If he wont give me a present i wont give him one. This goes against my nature but I can't keep giving to someone who won't give back.

We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events". Now it looks like I have to live a life of no celebrations not even birthdays if i want to stay with my husband.

What I don't understand is why he will fuss over his mum and not me?

I am so confused....please help!

I get you, it's not about the money spent, it's about the lack of acknowledgement. Very dismissive.

I absolutely do not get why the fuss for his mother and yet his own wife is brushed-off.

For his mum he'll take the day off and leap to her with flowers cards and presents

Do you think he does this willingly or does his mum control him? Maybe he resents doing this so much for her, that he digs his heels in on doing it for anyone else. They say a lot of passive-aggressive men play out with their wives what they daren't do/say to the one they are really angry with - their mothers.

I don't know anything about his relationship with his mum, so I may be completely way off-base here.

We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary

Why does your husband get to dictate how much fun you have in your life? I know it's practically impossible to have a celebration with someone who doesn't want to celebrate, but I think you need to take practical steps to get these things back into your life.

Christmas, for instance, how do you handle it? Could you invite people over/go to them?

Did he celebrate any occasions before you married him?

Send me a cookie if you want, but is your husband on the Spectrum? It sounds like his Mum has walked him through getting a gift and card and spending the day with her, to the point that it is the routine. I would ask her advice, it could be that after years of similar treatment she found a way to get him to remember. I would take notes and use her methods next year. Either that or have MIL walk him through treating you for your birthday. I can see me having to do this if my son gets married, my son is very sweet and loving but completely in his own world at times. (He is also very much a Mummies boy, and I can see him continuing to be, even as an adult (he is only 9 at the moment )). Is your husband a disorganised person? Perhaps he needs a personal organiser with very literal reminders for your birthday. Two weeks before, go to x website and purchase y. Week before, go onto florist website and book flower delivery for 1girl. Call x restaurant and book table. Three days before, buy card for 1girl. Day before, wrap present for 1girl. Iron shirt for tomorrow. Day of birthday, give 1girl card and gift. Tell 1girl about restaurant booking this evening.

I bet his Mum has done something similar 😁

Do.No.Buy him a birthday gift next year. Or a card. Just sing happy birthday to him and wish him a lovely day but don't get him anything at all. That might help the message sink in. And if it doesn't, well you have saved yourself some money which you can use to treat yourself to something nice

Very joyless to not want to buy a card or gift for your spouses birthday

I am assuming that you don't have DC's ?

You will not be able to get away with not celebrating Xmas and birthdays when you have Dc's, especially when they attend nursery/school.

My Dh's family did not do Xmas pressies and birthdays, but he soon got into the hang of things when he saw how much fun and pleasure even the smallest gift and or celebration meant.

If he will remember his Parents birthdays I think he isn't principled I think he is "tight" and can't be bothered!

By "free thinker" do you actually mean someone who thinks that his vision and opinion are superior to everyone elses. A man who walks his own path right over the feelings of others because his take on reality is more correct than theirs.

i.e. a spoilt brat / selfish git.

He's going to drag you down to his level isn't he - your lives will be no celebrations, no gifts, no treating each other or showing any appreciation. Or it will be a one way street as it is now, where you buy him birthday gifts and he ignores you. Clearly this isn't the life you imagined OP.

tell us more about the benefits and wonder of all his lovely free thinking .....

don't really know what a cookie is....but I wondered about some ASD type thing going on....or is it just being lazy

'We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events"'

He sounds like an absolute joyless prat! I couldn't live like that. Why didn't his 'principles' make him refuse your generous gift of a £700 guitar I wonder.

Do you have kids?

and he's lying to you too OP - lost your card, make it up to you etc - yeah right!

Even if he doesn't think it's important he knows its important to you!! And he is happy to accept your gifts.

I think he believes he is More Special and Worthy = Deserving of Gifts.
And you, OP, are not.

OK, so he doesn't do Hallmark occasions. Does this therefore mean that he spontaneously surprises you with thoughtful gifts at random times of year?

No, thought not.

He sounds a bit joyless tbh and I reckon it's a bit shit that he can push the boat out for Mummy but not for you, when you have made it clear to him how much it matters to you. And FWIW my son is autistic but loves giving other people presents!

I reminded him that it was my birthday a month before to no real response

Hmmm.... this was his opportunity to ask you what you would like if he is no good at ideas. I wonder why he didn't take that opportunity?

Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card

Lost it? When did he realise he lost it? In time to buy another one (like on the actual day when he realised he lost it?). I wonder why he didn't do that?

A couple days later he asks me what's wrong as I am being quiet because i am bottling it up

So he is capable of noticing things. He just doesn't act on the information.

first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it

See, this give me the strong feeling of PA stuff. Is he PA in other ways, OP?

In response i have said to him I am not doing anything for his birthday...that got a "I will make it up to you" response

A cop-out - designed to keep his presents coming while still not coming up with a concrete plan for yours.

I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out

What stopped HIM from cooking YOU a meal, if he couldn't go out? Surely the least he could do for your bday.

I've already addressed my thoughts on the mum thing.

Just from what I am reading here, I think he is behaving like a foot-dragging teenager on this. IMO, he KNOWS FULL WELL what you would like to happen. There is NO REASON ON EARTH why he couldn't make it happen. Yet HE CHOOSES NOT TO DO IT KNOWING IT HURTS YOU (whilst accepting expensive presents for himself without a word of protest).

One year I spent the week before my birthday taking in parcels for H but they were all for his hobby - probably a couple of hundred quid's worth. On the day no present and the cheapest card possible with just a signature. No mention had been made of doing anything so I had to organise my own cake (for dd's benefit). I went out with friends instead. They were all quizzing him about what he'd got me but he changed the subject. He claimed to have been planning something but my last minute decision to go out ruined his plans despite no babysitter being arranged. He was all talk in front of other people afterwards that he was planning something great for my next "O" birthday but needless to say it was all BS and he left to be with the OW within a couple of months.

TBF he rarely did anything for his DM either unless it was organised by someone else and he could take the credit.

He does know how to lavish time money and attention on someone as he does this every year when his mother has a Birthday.

Sounds more like the enmeshed golden child/surrogate spouse of a narcissist than a freethinker and maybe a narcissist himself or have some tendencies. One symptom always on the lists: they are notoriously bad gift givers. Unfortunately those dynamics would be very difficult to address with him. The scapegoat (his brother) is usually far more aware, due to the unfairness they grew up with.

If this is him, it would be totally alien to facilitate (with or without spending) a special day for someone (except his mother if she has enabled him).

Really hope it's not this OP, but there do seem to be a number of red flags.

For you, Happy Birthday. Don't be cheated out of any more celebrations. And trade that guitar in for a ukelele.

We always get each other a card.

Presents, we rarely know what to get so it might just be wine, chocs, biscuits-just a token really.

If we want to go out for a meal then we do.

We rarely go to somewhere that needs booking, but as I have more time than him I'd probably book for either of us iyswim.

Seems daft to make him organise stuff just for the sake of it.

But a £700 present that you couldn't really afford.

Just why?

I find that sort of overblown gesture really hard to understand tbh.

Do you have any other family or friends you can celebrate special occasions with OP?

Maybe have a Valentine's dinner with your best friend and spend Christmas with your family? I bet his attitude and 'free thinking' will change once he realises you're not going to sit by his side and do nothing, year in and year out.

Me and DP don't really do anything but we just accept it and buy ourselves something if we want. Can you save money as if for his birthday but buy something for yourself?

Don't go selling his guitar as after all it's his guitar and to sell it would mean stealing from your husband.

Yanbu to be just and pissed off, next birthday don't bother with his birthday and save the money for yourself

Also think he feels threatened by these 'hallmark' events as they expose his lack of a generous spirit.

You can tell the difference with someone who really is just against consumerism.

Do you want to be with DP or is this something you see as the last straw?

Slighty random but is it possible he has adhd/aspergers? My husband is very similar and it upsets me but he just doesn't think. He's about to be assessed for the above and upon reading a book about aspergers relationships it seems this situation is quite a common thing. With you mentioning the social anxiety as well...

He's not unique or principled or a free thinker.

He's an arrogant tosser.

Some years he has brought me nothing at all but this is the first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it!

Yes, this is your life with him. No birthdays, Christmas, Valentine celebrations. Not for you anyway. His uniqueness doesn't stop him wanting birthday gifts from you.

If you are determined to stay with him, organise your own celebrations from now on. Celebrate with your friends and family and leave him out to save his delicate feelings of 'specialness'.

He is not unique. He is a gaslighting control freak who is making you miserable.

What would the fall-out be from his mum if he DIDN'T rush round and make it a huge event day? It might be that you need to make it clear to him that not making the effort for your special days will get an equally unpleasant and long-lasting consequence.
Sometimes being accepting and reasonable can be seen as "it doesn't matter if I don't bother, there wont be any fall-out from it beyond a day or so of sad face. That's far easier for me than to actually put any effort in".

Out of interest, why did you get him such an expensive present? Did he ask/hint heavily for it or did you just decide to get it? Theres no way I'd be doing months of saving up for such a big present for someone who got me nothing.