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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No birthday card or gift from husband

88 replies

1girlfriday · 11/07/2016 14:19

Am I being unreasonable? I am deeply concerned about my husband's recent behaviour.

Every year I have to babystep him through my birthday. I normally end up organising my own birthday fun but he does normally get me a card at least.

For his birthday I brought him a £700 guitar! So I really thought that this would at least remind him to do something nice for my birthday.

I reminded him that it was my birthday a month before to no real repsonse. I reminded him that my friend at work was asking what i wanted and my husnsnd still didnt listen.

I asked him again if he had any ideas 2 weeks before my birthday. He admitted he hadn't thought or got anything. When I said that it took me months to save £700 for his birthday present he just argued with me. He said that he couldn't afford anything...I said that it didn't have to be of equal value just something of equal thought...I don't care if it was a £20 gift as long as it showed some thought and he got me a card I would be happy.

Anyway after no action from my husband I decided that we should go on holiday and so I organised a trip for us and we spent some of our holiday savings on the holiday. We agreed this would be from our holiday money we had both put aside in a separate bank account (which is in my husbands name). This is not our personal money it is money we both put aside from the money we got given as a gift from family when we got married.

Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card and their was no gift either. In fact I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out. I was so upset but I didn't want it to ruin my day so I tried to ignore it.

A couple days later he asks me what's wrong as I am being quiet because i am bottling it up. When I ask him why he didn't get me a card or gift for my birthday his said he brought the holiday!

I reminded him that the holiday was brought out of our joint savings from our wedding gift money. His response was that he would probably end up paying back our savings. I didn't agree to this as he has never saved a penny in his life...it's normally me who saves money...hence the £700 guitar he got for his birthday! We both agreed we would both pay back money into our savings.

When I look back I realise that my husband never buys anyone a gift...accept for his mum. For his mum he'll take the day off and leap to her with flowers cards and presents. Even his brother comments how my husband is the favourite child.

Anyway I realised the year before he brought me a cheap joke gift. Some years he has brought me nothing at all but this is the first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it!

In response i have said to him I am not doing anything for his birthday...that got a "I will make it up to you" response. We both know those responses are a lie and amount to nothing. I will make it up to you really means I don't want to argue about this so I will say I will make it up to you but I won't.

I don't want to see my husband as selfish but more and more I am losing my rose coloured glasses and I see a spoilt brat where my husband once stood.

I have read through many help sites and see the same response....you can't change someone so suck it up. But what about me and my needs? Do I matter? Do I deserve a birthday? Why should my husband get everything he wants and if i complain about getting nothing I am seen as selfish?

I am so low about this...the only solution i have got is to cancel all our birthdays. If he wont give me a present i wont give him one. This goes against my nature but I can't keep giving to someone who won't give back.

We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events". Now it looks like I have to live a life of no celebrations not even birthdays if i want to stay with my husband.

What I don't understand is why he will fuss over his mum and not me?

I am so confused....please help!

OP posts:

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 16:24

He's not a free thinker, he's a cheap dickhead.

But presumably he didn't buy you gifts before you married him, and you chose him anyway. So if you, yabvu to complain about it now.

LineyReborn · 11/07/2016 16:27

This isn't ASD. OP, you've spotted lies and smugness.

I'm very afraid that he's putting you in your place.

CrystalMcPistol · 11/07/2016 16:31

But presumably he didn't buy you gifts before you married him, and you chose him anyway. So if you, yabvu to complain about it now.

Oh piss off. Of course she can complain about it now. Sometimes it takes people a long time for the blinkers to come off and for them to realise what their partner is actually like.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2016 16:32

That is shit, sorry it is! Its not about the gift but his thought and consideration towards you. I would not be getting him anything for any birthdays, and use the money saved to treat yourself, selfish git!

toadgirl · 11/07/2016 16:34

But presumably he didn't buy you gifts before you married him, and you chose him anyway. So if you, yabvu to complain about it now

Perhaps OP can come onto thread and help clarify this.

The thing is, this has gone way beyond no gifts (except for his mother).

There are no celebrations in their household at all - no Christmas, nothing - based on his wants/desires. He won't even cook her a birthday meal at home - she has to cook for him!

SouperSal · 11/07/2016 16:35

We don't do Xmas or anniversary presents, but do celebrate birthdays and since having DD , Mother's Day and Father's Day. DH managed to arrange an amazing surprise holiday for my 30th (pre-child) but forgot the birthday that came 3 days after DD's birth and most of those that have followed. And mother's days. I, of course haven't forgotten his days.

Strong words were had after he forgot Mother's Day this year. Remains to be seen whether the message has sunk in.

I wouldn't mind so much but I'm not after diamonds or new cars: I only want a card!!!

toadgirl · 11/07/2016 16:40

I don't know how men forget Mother's Day, quite honestly. It's advertised EVERYWHERE.

(I don't have children so I can't actually put my husband to the test on this one).

SouperSal · 11/07/2016 16:42

I don't understand how he can find hours to play computer games but not 5 minutes to get something from moonpig/scribble something with DD.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/07/2016 16:42

He's not a unique, free thinker. He's a selfish prick.

Never buy for him again and think about whether or not you want to devote your one life to a controlling twat.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 11/07/2016 16:43

Don't sell the guitar, that would be stealing from your husband.

Ahahahahahahaha.

Fuck that. Sell it for whatever you can get for it and treat yourself. If he's that fucking concerned he can buy himself one.

What an absolute arsehole.

MotherKat · 11/07/2016 16:46

I don't do hallmark holidays, which means I don't expect things, not that instant get them for people that do, anything else is just wankery.

BeMorePanda · 11/07/2016 16:46

yeah that made me snigger too MsA

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/07/2016 16:47

I was left with so many questions after reading your OP.

"I have read through many help sites and see the same response....you can't change someone so suck it up."
Bit of a misreading on your part. No, you can't change someone - but that doesn't mean you have to suck it up. You have two choices - you can change your reaction/response/expectations, or you can move on. So, as an example, you could stop expecting him to take any part in your birthday, and arrange to go out with friends instead. Then you won't feel upset by his ignoring your birthday, because you had no expectations. Or, you could decide that you don't want to live with someone who repeatedly disrespects your feelings and seems smug about doing so. Either way, you are not sucking it up.

"But what about me and my needs? Do I matter? Do I deserve a birthday? Why should my husband get everything he wants and if i complain about getting nothing I am seen as selfish? "
Of course you matter! The question you need to ask yourself is - do I matter to him?

"holiday money we had both put aside in a separate bank account (which is in my husbands name). This is not our personal money it is money we both put aside from the money we got given as a gift from family when we got married."
Given that you say "he has never saved a penny in his life" - why are your joint savings in an account in his name only? Why do you not have a joint savings account?

"He's very unique and I love him for being the free thinker he is. But it just saddens me that he'll make an effort for his mum and dad but not me. This is what is really bothering me deep down....does he love me less than them?"
What do you mean by 'free thinker'? Because I suspect you've been sold a pup, OP. I mean, "We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events". " and yet he will happily accept an expensive birthday gift? Surely this free thinker should reject birthdays as a similar over-comercialised Hallmark event? You've been diddled OP. You are not married to free-thinker, but to a morality-free miser who gets off on feels smug about skipping your birthday.

How long have you been married to him, OP? And are there any children?

BeMorePanda · 11/07/2016 16:48

a free thinker would no doubt be relieved to be released of the burden of such a materialistic weight as owning a guitar

BurningBridges · 11/07/2016 16:57

that's made my day - free thinker!! ha! I'll describe my selfish DH as that in future, oh BB's DH can't help being an arse, he's a free thinker!

Petal40 · 11/07/2016 16:58

He's lazy ...a can't be arsed twat...if he cared about you he would make an effort.he clearly likes to be controlling...and is telling you clearly that he hasn't yet cut the apron strings...and darling mummy will always come before you.....if I were you I'd be saying,no present ,no sex...if he dosnt care enough to make you happy ,why would you want to sleep with someone who cared so little for yr feelings.failing that working I'd divorce...but that's just me.and you have to do what's right for you

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/07/2016 16:59

Sorry, missed this bit, there was just so much to query in your OP.
"Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card and their was no gift either. In fact I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out. I was so upset but I didn't want it to ruin my day so I tried to ignore it."
Three points -

Is it real social anxiety, or a handy reason for a miser to get out of spending money?
Why did you cook the meal, why didn't he? Seeing as it was your birthday and all, gifts can be the gifts of time and care rather than material goods, being cooked for can be a much appreciated gift. So why didn't he cook? And perhaps - does he ever cook?
Was he even acknowledging your birthday at this point?

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 17:01

Oh piss off. Of course she can complain about it now. Sometimes it takes people a long time for the blinkers to come off and for them to realise what their partner is actually like

Oh, so she didn't notice that he never gave her a present before now? Every birthday, xmas, anniversary....those blinkers kept her from seeing the distinct lack of presents?
Fucks sake.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/07/2016 17:01

Oh, and obviously he hadn't 'lost' your card. He neglected to buy it in the first place. But you know that. Just like you know he lied to your face when he said he lost it.

Clarissa69 · 11/07/2016 17:02

What a git! He needs to get his priorities sorted or you need to give him the heave ho!!

thomasplp · 11/07/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CrystalMcPistol · 11/07/2016 17:07

User, people convince themselves of all sorts of things about a person when they're in love. It seems like the OP is having a bit of an awakening but probably isn't fully there yet. Just because someone marries a wanker doesn't mean they has to stay married to a wanker. Things can change

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 17:09

OF course they can, but lets not try and tell ourselves that we couldn't possibly have known. If you marry a wanker, there are generally plenty of clues that he was a wanker. Better to acknowledge your own role in getting to where you are, and then waking up properly and getting out.

RhiWrites · 11/07/2016 17:11

Argh. Another one of these. Every week on Mumsnet there is one. OP your husband is a selfish inconsiderate arse. Please immediately cease celebrations of his birthday. I'm not going to say leave him but value yourself higher than to just accept a dynamic where you celebrate and pamper him and he does fuck all in return.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/07/2016 17:13

Given that you say "he has never saved a penny in his life" - why are your joint savings in an account in his name only? Why do you not have a joint savings account?

^^This? What the actual fuck? Stop paying into it for starters. Tell him you've set up a birthday / holiday account instead.

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