To have certain expectations of autistic brother?

[sniffle12]

My tenage brother has been diagnosed with Asperger's. This was brilliant news at the time as it came after years of bullying and social rejection and he finally feels he can now explain to people why he is the way he is and hopefully get a more understanding reaction as well as the support he needs.

However I've begun to feel that it's now being used as a get out of jail free card for too many things. In my view he's still a teenage boy with all the natural, human faults which come with that - he hates to tidy/clean, eats for England, lives in his room, avoids family events and anything which he doesn't want to do at that precise moment, and spends money like its going out of fashion. Just as I was at that age.

Since the diagnosis, all of this now seems to be going unchallenged. When I question this I'm told 'He can't help it' 'He feels overwhelmed' 'you forget he has Asperger's'. While I'm fully aware of this, I don't think we should stop expecting him to develop some degree of conscientiousness as we would any teenage boy - obviously at the right times, right approach, and in small steps, as I do recognise that his response to demands is also part of his Asperger's.

AIBU?

You said you made repeated approaches to get her to change things and implied those things were socially related. To someone who has a social and comunication related disibility that is work place harrasment and disibility related bullying.
The ability for her to do her job is a different matter and bulkying someone due to a disibility wouodm it be considered acceptable even if she was crap at the job

It's a good job the employment tribunals wouldn't agree with you. Yes, some aspects of the employees role were socially related, but she needed to be able to do them to do the job well eg manage people, deal with customers. We made some allowances on advice from NAS but sadly despite these the employee was still not capable of doing the role, mainly due to the social elements which were intrinsically part of the job.

It may interest you to know that NAS were supportive /understanding of the decision we as her employer made.

You need to understand that whilst disabled people have rights at work, so too do the rights of business owners - to be able to operate a business effectively. Most employment law involves balancing the rights of employer/employee.

Same here Fanjo, there is simply no possibility of independence and I'm aware there never will be. I aim for happier child and a better quality of life for both of us. And that's quite an unreachable goal sometimes. (When school shuts down for 2 months in the summer...)

**

Why do you always say that but never actually do it?

Genuine question btw.

I don't understand it when people say they will do something but don't. Or say they will do one thing but do something else instead.

Do you think the OP will come back?

OP, I have ASD and if you want to ask me a question please feel free.

I can't guarantee that my experience will help you or your brother though as we're all different.

maggie it's no different to telling someone whose blind that they should make more of an effort to see.

And as to a tribunal ive seen many that would agree with me. It may not agree that letting someone go because they cannot do the job is a bad move but it's not unusual to also find that they have been subject to disability related bullying

I did hide it for a good few hours while I was at work Toads. Then I saw later that MNHQ had commented and felt safe to post again. Not that it's any of your business what I do

Okay.

Yes, Needs - but would you give someone who was blind a job as an air traffic controller, or a pilot (or let them keep it if they developed blindness during their employment).

Would it be bullying to tell a pilot who developed blindness that he wasn't capable of doing his job?

I hardly think so.

We made adjustments where reasonable on advice of NAS but for a job which had intrinsically social elements, (think management plus customer facing) it was just not possible for the employee to do the role despite her condition to a functional level.

No different to the blind pilot situation in my mind.

If he was only diagnosed recently it can take a while to work through it and start to feel anything like back to normal (remembering that feeling normal for asperger's is different to NT normal!).

Ds2 was diagnosed just over a year ago, it took him nearly a year to come to terms with it. The first few months were dreadful.

Like Polter said, a regression is very common following diagnosis, and it can be nigh on impossible to function efficiently.

The employment situation is often just not black and white. Sometimes there will be jobs which are just not accessible with certain conditions. There is of course discrimination in the workplace, (been there,) but there are also situations where the job just can't be done with certain disabilities.

As someone who is currently unemployed I have to skip past jobs for e.g. Waiters, checkout assistants, etc because they're just not accessible. Someone with e.g. A sensory processing disorder just wouldn't necessarily be able to adapt to working in a nightclub for instance, and no amount of reasonable adjustment could make that happen. And I'd imagine that if NAS were involved in these particular discussions then the employer was definitely wanting to make reasonable adjustments to enable the employee to do the job on an equal footing.

Yes, thank you Wannabe. We took our responsibilities as an employer very seriously.

You just don't get it maggie let's try this one.

Someone who needs both hands functioning to do a job but only had one.

"Is there any adjustment we can make to assist" "no" "awfully sorry your unable to do the job then"

I'd very different to "why don't you try this to help you make your hands work"
"This is a two handed catch,you should be able to do it"
"Why can't you learn how to use both hands"

Letting someone go because they cannot do their job is different to causing them stress and worry because of a symptom of their disability and it is different to getting on their case as to why they cannot all of a sudden lose the symptoms

They are two seperate issues. One is ok in the workplace the other is not

I don't understand it when people say they will do something but don't. Or say they will do one thing but do something else instead.

So true

Yanbu. My ds has Autism but can be naughty too. He is 4. His safe place is the toilet. He has already realised he can get out if tidying up by saying wee wee, and running to hide in the toilet (whilst giggling and then saying no tidy, wee wee.)
I am not saying all people with autism can/do use it to get out of things but I know my son already does.

Still no op then?

I did do it though.

Jeeze.

Once again you unleash the bitchy comments from people about me. Thanks toad.

Not directed at you dixie.

I think the OP has got lose beyond

Lose? I meant lost

Who is being bitchy? I thought dixie was just answering my question.

She quoted the post I made before you explained that is what you had done...so just answering my question imo

Thank you Needs.

As i say, we were advised by NAS on what the employee could/couldn't be expected to do.

I think you're the one who doesn't get it. She couldn't do the job she was employed to do, even with the NAS recommended adjustments (which related to the social elements). Are you seriously expecting that any employer should be forced to employ someone in that situation?

Luckily NAS knew what they were talking about.

needs but sometimes it isn't necessarily a case that the employer is asking the employee to overcome their difficulties, it's that that part of the job, is impossible to do if one has those difficulties. Now we can't possibly know the situation of this particular employee, but this is where difficulties could arise in an employee not disclosing their disability at a time when knowing this fact might make a difference.

E.g. My eXH is also VI, but his VI is such that he doesn't need any assistive technology. However, he cannot drive. Now if I were to go for an interview where driving was an essential part of the job, my VI would disclose itself because the guide dog would be a bit of a giveaway. and they would immediately have to address the fact that driving was an essential part of the job and as such, I wouldn't be able to do a large part of the specific role. However if my eXH went for the same job and didn't disclose his disability at interview they wouldn't necessarily know that he couldn't drive, and if it didn't come up in interview they might offer him the job, and at that point it would become apparent that he was not able to do a certain part of the job, and there would be no way around it. It wouldn't be possible to let him go at this point because asking about a disability at interview is against the equalities act, and withdrawing a job offer because of a disclosed disability would be seen as discrimination. So the company would have to find ways to accommodate his need to have a driving role without the ability to ever be able to fulfill it.

Perhaps this employee came across well in interview but didn't disclose their AS, even though networking was part of the job role and they knew they were unable to do it due to their condition. How would the employer be able to accommodate this employee's inability to network because of social anxiety for instance? It's just not that straightforward.