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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have certain expectations of autistic brother?

153 replies

sniffle12 · 11/07/2016 08:47

My tenage brother has been diagnosed with Asperger's. This was brilliant news at the time as it came after years of bullying and social rejection and he finally feels he can now explain to people why he is the way he is and hopefully get a more understanding reaction as well as the support he needs.

However I've begun to feel that it's now being used as a get out of jail free card for too many things. In my view he's still a teenage boy with all the natural, human faults which come with that - he hates to tidy/clean, eats for England, lives in his room, avoids family events and anything which he doesn't want to do at that precise moment, and spends money like its going out of fashion. Just as I was at that age.

Since the diagnosis, all of this now seems to be going unchallenged. When I question this I'm told 'He can't help it' 'He feels overwhelmed' 'you forget he has Asperger's'. While I'm fully aware of this, I don't think we should stop expecting him to develop some degree of conscientiousness as we would any teenage boy - obviously at the right times, right approach, and in small steps, as I do recognise that his response to demands is also part of his Asperger's.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UpWithPup · 11/07/2016 10:13

I think YANBU. I know two families with autistic sons of a similar age. Ones family got the diagnosis quite early on, around 9 I believe. The other much later, around 15. The first boy has been pushed and challenged to do things he finds difficult and now lives semi-independent. The second is allowed to use it as a get out card and now refuses to do things he used to without question. An example that springs to mind is opening the door to the post man.

I think it is absolutely about finding the balance.

Samcro · 11/07/2016 10:13

reported
hopefully mn hq will delete
"get out of jail free card "
vile

LordoftheTits · 11/07/2016 10:30

I have Asperger's and think this is a truly horrible thread.

I also have aspergers and think that it's a very valid question, and that nobody has been nasty or horrible.

BeyondVulvaResistance · 11/07/2016 10:32

Yup. Predictable. See my second post, the third on the thread.

Wonder where op has got to...?

BeyondVulvaResistance · 11/07/2016 10:34

Opening the door to the post man. Do you have any idea how much it physically hurts to have someone invade 'your space' at unpredictable times? Or even the anxiety of knowing that the postman is coming at some point that day.

Ffs.

EverythingWillBeFine · 11/07/2016 10:36

YABU AND YANBU

It's impossible from yur post to say anything.

I have a child on the spectrum abd my DH is on there too.
Yes there are some stuff you still need to tell them to do, things they have to learn how to do.
And then there are other stuff that they can't do and asking that from them would very unkind indeed.

Eg: Asking DH to be sociable and have people staying over, coming for an afetrnoon etc... is REALLY asking too much of him. So we never have anyone at home (unless he isn't there!). Same with dc2 that needs a lot of time out, in peace in his bedroom.
But if dc2 was to spend huge amounts of money (last one was spending all his monet, £250, on a phone and then expecting us, parents, to bail him out and pay a lot of other stuff too, that, for dc2, is taking the mick and saying 'well he has AS therefore he can't help it' would be using the 'get out of jail' card.
If DH decides that HW isn't his responsibility (like he did at some point) AS has nothing to do with it. It was lazyness on his part (and playing the society script too, which of course was conveniently on his side)

So the question that comes to mind is how long have you been away from home and how well do you know your db?
Is it really a case 'because of his diagnosis, he can do whatever he likes' or is it more of a case of 'we know he should do xx but we also know it will hard for him so let that pass. However, we still expect him to do yy.'

I'm personally finding the balance very hard to find. There are plenty of things that both DH and dc2 should do that would make their life in a society and at home much easier. Yes I can demand that to happen. But that would be unkind.
I can also let it pass but then I am also usually the one who has to deal with the fall out (eg isolation). And of course, I want my dc to be able to 'fit' within the society as well as possible whilst keeping all his 'specialness' because really who would like clones?

BarbarianMum · 11/07/2016 10:36

This. But having autism doesn't mean he doesn't need to learn certain skills such as self-care, care of the home, how to cook, how to budget. Just that these may be more difficult and he may need more support/a different approach to get there.

It is a very pervasive condition and ime tends to affect all aspects of life (although not always negatively).

Twirlywoooo · 11/07/2016 10:40

Reported. Yet another 'let's bash people with disabilities thread. Op chucks a grenade then buggers off.

"Get out of jail free card"

There are no polite words...

Samcro · 11/07/2016 10:41

hopefully mn hq will deal wth this soon, as they promised they would with disablist shite

BeyondVulvaResistance · 11/07/2016 10:44

Yy sam

EverythingWillBeFine · 11/07/2016 10:45

The issue is that there are as many different types of person with AS than there are different types of people who are NT.

What would be OK for one, might not be OK for another.
What would be really important for one person wouldn't be important for another.
Dh suffered a lot from isolation and to,d me numerous times how he just 'had to learn to do thing on his own' rather than in a group (eg going hill walking). He would have benefitted a lot when he was younger of some support to help him to be sociable. Someone else with AS can be quite content on their own and would hated that.

And then there is the question of how much a society can accomodate someone with SN. This has been done numerous times on here and really I don't think there is a clear cut answer to that one either....

SaucyJack · 11/07/2016 10:48

No one knows whether you are U or not without knowing your brother.

My friend's son has a diagnosis of Aperger's. He also has a degree, a job and shares a flat with his girlfriend, so clearly taking dirty plates to the kitchen would not exceed his level of cognitive function.

BeyondVulvaResistance · 11/07/2016 10:51

Plus to agree with upthread, you need to bear in mind that it has probably been some sort of mh crisis that has led to his diagnosis. Comparing behaviour now - while he is adjusting with diagnosis and is a teenager with all that entails - with how he was before is, well, stupid.

Jeezypeepers · 11/07/2016 10:56

I think there's some really interesting points on this thread; not everyone understands what expectations are appropriate when dealing with autism, why is it a bad thing to have a sensible discussion around it? I don't think you're doing anything wrong in asking for opinions on this OP, it's good to get the point of view of people who are living with it. Why do people want it removed?

honkinghaddock · 11/07/2016 11:05

All people with autism are different so it doesn't make sense to talk about appropriate expectations.

Booboostwo · 11/07/2016 11:06

I think you need compassionate. Your brother has not been diagnosed till now which means he has not had an acknowledgement of who he is or any help with dealing with things he finds difficult. He needs to come to terms with his diagnosis, understand what it means for him and see whether and to what extent he wants to adjust any of his behaviour in light of it.

Siblings can have feelings of rivalry towards each other and feel as if they have to compete for their parents's attention and love. Try not to do this. Try not to see his behaviour as having an impact on you, he is not doing it to annoy you. Try to stay out of discussions and thoughts that involve judging his behaviour. Give him time to sort through things.

Booboostwo · 11/07/2016 11:06

Need to be compassionate - that should read

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/07/2016 11:07

YANBU. He needs help to learn how to manage these things. If he doesn't like tidying it could be because the idea is overwhelming, where do I start etc. So then a picture chart of steps can help. Each day he uses the pictures/words to put away things before bed. Put on pajamas. Put clothes in wash. Brush teeth. Etc. Aspergers is not unmanageable

It is possible for Aspergers to be unmanageable.

One of my almost adult children has HF ASD (the new name for aspergers) he has attended what is considered to be the best school in the country for children with his issues and has had millions of pounds worth of some of the most well respected therepy thrown at him and he is a willing participant.

He still will never function with out 2 carers or live indapendanly or drive. He will be highly unlikely to ever really function in the world despite his desire to do so

Jeezypeepers · 11/07/2016 11:17

Today 11:05 honkinghaddock

All people with autism are different so it doesn't make sense to talk about appropriate expectations.

That in itself is the sort of thing that's useful to discuss. Reading this thread it is clear that there are those who DO have certain expectations of people with autism, and since it is not something everyone knows lots about or has much experience with, then it is no bad thing that this is challenged. I don't think it helps anyone to have discussions shut down and deleted.

KnockMeDown · 11/07/2016 11:20

I have a 17 yr old DS with Apergers, and I think this is a very valid thread, and not disablist at all. We know our DS has difficulty doing some things, so we try to put in strategies to manage. The waiting for the post man example - yes it may be difficult, but if he wants to take delivery of the computer parts he's ordered, then necessary to manage. How about putting a note on the door to leave the package in a safe place or with a neighbour?

If our DS was unable to walk and in a wheelchair, we wouldn't be sending him to dance classes, but would be putting in adaptations that would help him to manage independently. The same needs to be true of Asperger's. We don't want to overwhelm our son, but we hope that one day he will lead an independent life, and are preparing for that now.

OP - YANBU. Take some time out to educate yourself about the condition, find out what your brother finds difficult, and see how you can help him.

Samcro · 11/07/2016 11:20

so perhaps a thread with out "get out of jail free card " and not in AIBU might have been good.
but the tone of the op is not good

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 11/07/2016 11:21

I can see the point you're making but this is a very sensitive issue. Suffice to say that you know your brother better than all of us and not all individuals with autism respond and react the same way in all circumstances.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/07/2016 11:22

Expecting to be flamed here, but I don't think you are being unreasonable.
We had an employee at work with ASD and whilst I accept that she struggled with some of the more social aspects of behavior, I do feel she used her condition to exempt herself from any personal responsibility over how she behaved or did her job. In fact, every time anyone tried to approach her, gently, to suggest ways in which she could improve she threatened to take legal action. And this was a work environment, we made a lot of allowances for her but there was a limit to how far we could make allowances

Yes there is a limit to how far reasonable accomadations go but if you are seriously implying that you targeted the symptoms of her disability then she should have taken legal action

BeyondVulvaResistance · 11/07/2016 11:22

This thread is not in a vacuum. There have been increased disingenuous threads regarding disability where the op throws the grenade in and runs. Mnhq are aware of this and have a new policy regarding disabilist posts because of it.

It may well be genuine, in which case the best place for the discussion is not aibu.

DixieNormas · 11/07/2016 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.