Silent colleague

[ChooseTheLifeYouLove]

I work away Monday to Friday and our company pays for us to be in a hotel during that time and we have company cars we drive to and from work from the hotel. Two people do each shift.

On my shift I drive in with the most awkward odd person I have ever met and I honestly think it's starting to impact on my life to the point where I'm dreading the drive (35 mins each way) with this man.

He's about 25 and the word that I most want to use to describe him is "weird" and I'm not trying to be unkind. He's very junior to me but still an adult obviously yet can't even make polite conversation he is usually silent but it's a tense silence if you know what I mean. He acts super nervous but when I try to make small talk he snaps back with something very short. Eg. The other day we were driving to work and there are no pavements on the road and there were two pedestrians walking their dogs in the road. I slowed to go past and said "not an ideal road for walking here" and he said "well where else are they supposed to go!" So whenever he speaks it's a snappy rude ish comment making zero effort.

I will say I have given up trying with him now and I didn't just try and make small talk I tried to chat to him about work and his hobbies but it would be one word short answers and no effort the other way.

I now feel anxious spending this time alone with him as he has such an awkward air and makes me feel so ill at ease. I know this sounds trivial but I have to do this for another month and it's really getting to me now! Any advice please?

It sounds really uncomfortable and awkward for both of you.

I have a family member who I just can't work out. He seems popular amongst his own friends, but with the rest of the family he can be rude, patronising, abrupt - and also interesting and funny too at times. I've come to the conclusion that he's shy -much more so than I would ever have thought - and absolutely hates small talk and any intrusive questions. He also has a very dry and sarcastic sense of humour. So I could have imagined the 'I missed that' comment as being sarcastic, if the event in question was such a big deal.
So maybe he's sitting in the car wondering why you don't get his jokes?

I don't normally say this without knowing more but

My dp has Aspergers and is exactly like that with strangers!

He comes across as very rude and quite curt with people he doesn't know.

He (in private with me) can get very upset after an encounter like this because he know how weird he is to others but can't control it.

He is great with people he knows and who makes an effort with him because we "get" he is different and that allows him to feel less on show (he says like a freak)

My stepdaughter is even worse but she has not had the years of learning how to "be" in the world her dad has

Re the thank you - I assumed most of the other pairs share the driving, OP'S colleague can't drive so she has to do it all, therefore thank you is definitely in order! Particularly if she picks him up from his house or somewhere convenient to him?

Presumably her contract is only to drive herself to work location, if she went off sick or moved house to other direction colleague would have to get himself there, some other, less convenient way.

OP I can only symoathise with you, also having to travel with a grumpy colleague except it's a five hour journey! Like you we are staying away Mon to Fri, from the moaning I get every Sunday night you'd think we were being deployed to Iraq rather than being put up in an all expenses paid jolly in a nice hotel. It does bring you down after a while! I would much prefer awkward silence tbh!

I bet he manages to be polite at work, and talk when necessary too

gandalf How do you figure she doesnt have to give him a lift?

I wonder if pretending not to know about the huge work-related incident you mentioned was a pointed way of saying please don't talk to me about work right now?

The lack of thanks is rude, but the rest of it is hard to judge, since we're all seeing it from our own personality perspective. My mother is very outgoing, and I'm an introvert. What she calls 'basic grown-up politeness' is, to me, a relentless series of innocuous questions, comments and non sequiturs which can, over a long enough period in a confined space, drive a quieter person entirely batshit crazy. She ignores all signals that someone doesn't want to talk, because, at heart, everyone wants to be 'drawn out' -- and tough shit if you don't, because silence makes her uncomfortable.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she'd describe me as hard work, sullen, and prone to sudden snappy outbursts...

I'm obviously biased, but I'd take a silent commute-companion over a talkative one any day. I know someone who carpooled with three colleagues for a four-hour daily commute and the only reason it was bearable was a mutual agreement that they'd all sleep or listen to music and generally exist in their own little bubbles until work.

Fucking hell. He sounds like a right
larall of bathes.
God help the man/women who gets or has got him.
Just turn the radio on pretend the boring cunt isn't there.

Turn the radio to a Welsh language station and bore the heck out of him unless he speaks welsh
I can find Heart radio in most areas in Wales, I just have to adjust it once in a while to keep listening.
That or I'd play CD I liked and be PA at the end of each trip saying, "Your welcome" each time the journey finishes.
Even is he turns out to be ASD he needs to learn to say thank you.
My Dh is ASD and this would be his nightmare, but even he would be polite, nod and smile and say thank you, it's a learned behavior.

He sounds like a real oddball weirdo, and a rude one at that. Take a kindle or audiobooks as pp suggested. Ignore him as well, don't bother trying to make conversation and be polite. He sounds difficult and really not worth the effort.

He sounds more rude and ignorant rather that shit and socially awkward.
Hence the 'Well were are they supposed to go, comment.

I agree that this does sound like a case of possible ASD.
Some of the comments on this thread regarding this guy though are just disgusting. I was hoping mumsnetters were smarter than calling someone who shows classic asd traits "an oddball weirdo", but it sadly appears not.
I am terrified for my son when he has to enter the adult working world due to some of the attitudes displayed here.
It's not a crime to be introverted and quiet you know?

jasmine, there is a big difference between 'introverted and quiet' and 'rude and dismissive'. This bloke sounds like the latter to me.

Poor you, sounds excruciating!

But agree with the majority that he probably has some sort of social awkwardness.

I'd drop attempts at small talk, as its not getting the results needed ie social comfort and ease of togetherness.

I'd definitely find an alternative, like music or audio books.

Btw could you ask someone else at work about him? Someone who might know the answer and would also be very discrete about it? It would certainly help diffuse the hurt and anger you are feeling if you knew that it's just the way he is to everyone, or he's not a small talk kind of person?

Why are people assuming he's got ASD? He might just be a rude bastard, some people are you know.

Why are people assuming he's got ASD? He might just be a rude bastard, some people are you know.

Exactly! Why does any rude or twattish behaviour always likened to asd on here. Some people are just horrible for no other reason. In fact implying he might be on the spectrum is more insulting!

Jasmine1979 I have no idea if my colleague had ASD or anything like that. I know people with ASD and it doesn't seem like that to me though although he could obviously have different characteristics. He does come across as incredibly rude though. Other people have noticed at work so at least I know it's not just me!

I think some are just saying that there could be other reasons and hopefully it's not that he's just a dickhead

I had a similar experience years ago with a colleague; we were both new in a job and had to attend a course for a couple of weeks. It involved an hour's drive each way every day, with me driving; picking up and dropping her off at her door each day (which was well out of my way).

Every attempt at chit chat quashed. Some attempts met by sighs and turning the cheek to stare out of the window and the picking of nails. I soon gave up bothering and turned Radio 4 up.

At the end of the course, on the last journey, I got in the car and gasped Jesus, it's hot in here. (it was hotter than the SUN)

Colleague turned to me and snapped "DO YOU HAVE TO BLASPHEME?"

She hadn't given any previous indication of this type of objection (and I could hardly have brought it up in my attempts at conversation) - and it wasn't as if I had spent the two weeks swearing like an MNer...

I think I blustered an apology and fell silent again for an hour, before dropping her home for the final time. No thank you - not once; no offer of petrol money. No goodbye.

It's about 25 years ago now; I still fantasise about roaring my disgust in her face. Wouldn't say boo to a goose, of course - total doormat.

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Because posters with a lot of experience are looking at the specific details of this situation and can see how stressful it would be to someone with ASD and how the replies / exchanges happening could fit with someone who has ASD.

That's why.

I hate it when people try and excuse deliberately nasty and cruel behaviour by assuming that 'there must be something wrong with him/her'. As believing that bad behaviour is synonymous with conditions like ASD is indeed insulting. But that's not what is happening here.

It recently fell to me to regularly give someone a lift - and she was just like this.

I'm so BRITISH that when she just got out of the car when we arrived without saying a word of thanks - like I was a bloody taxi (I had to seriously go out of my way to pick her up) - I took an intense dislike to her. I informed the group we are part of that I wouldn't be able to give her a lift in future.

See, if she'd only said thank you I could have weathered the stony silence.

I'd say hello at the start and ignore him the rest of the journey. Enjoy the peace! He obviously has a tough time making small talk.

I work with a young woman aged 19 who just snaps back short answers, refuses to do any more than basic requirements.....and quite frankly my sympathies for any social awkwardness are diminishing day by day...she is rude and lazy. Although I'm her senior she has made it quite clear she has contempt for me. I can't be arsed dealing with a stroppy child. I'm leaving it to our manager. I would show her the door if it was my decision
Please, thank you, good morning etc are basics for a three year old...
Ignore and last day in the car blow a gasket OP...

He might be on the spectrum or he might not.

I think you shouldn't ignore your instincts. He might be just a bit weird or a right bastard- none of us or you know that. Take care of yourself. His 'i missed that' can be interpreted as 'i dont want to talk about it' but equally it can mean he has contempt for you/his job and cant be bothered with even talking about it.
Can you get out of the arrangement and do shifts with someone else?