Silent colleague

[ChooseTheLifeYouLove]

I work away Monday to Friday and our company pays for us to be in a hotel during that time and we have company cars we drive to and from work from the hotel. Two people do each shift.

On my shift I drive in with the most awkward odd person I have ever met and I honestly think it's starting to impact on my life to the point where I'm dreading the drive (35 mins each way) with this man.

He's about 25 and the word that I most want to use to describe him is "weird" and I'm not trying to be unkind. He's very junior to me but still an adult obviously yet can't even make polite conversation he is usually silent but it's a tense silence if you know what I mean. He acts super nervous but when I try to make small talk he snaps back with something very short. Eg. The other day we were driving to work and there are no pavements on the road and there were two pedestrians walking their dogs in the road. I slowed to go past and said "not an ideal road for walking here" and he said "well where else are they supposed to go!" So whenever he speaks it's a snappy rude ish comment making zero effort.

I will say I have given up trying with him now and I didn't just try and make small talk I tried to chat to him about work and his hobbies but it would be one word short answers and no effort the other way.

I now feel anxious spending this time alone with him as he has such an awkward air and makes me feel so ill at ease. I know this sounds trivial but I have to do this for another month and it's really getting to me now! Any advice please?

How difficult.
Could you fill the front seat with paperwork, box files, your laptop etc and instruct him to sit in the back when he gets to the car with a 'Sorry, no room in the front today'

If you can get any radio station at all, a radio quiz can sometimes draw out socially inept people as you discuss the answers (?)

I wonder if he feels as uncomfortable about you talking at him as you are about him not talking to you?

My ds1 is {probably} on the spectrum, and even I have trouble getting more than one-word answers out of him (unless it's about computers/games)

Get CDs.

He's probably not creepy

He may feel uncomfortable, but surely he can force himself to say thanks for the lift at the very least, whatever is wrong with him?
How on earth does he communicate with his work colleagues if he can't manage a couple of sentences to be civil on a long car journey?

Could you ask him if he would rather you didn't talk to him? Some people really dread talking, I know someone who has picked a barber who doesn't do small talk, as he dreads it so much.
I hate not talking and appreciate that my non stop chatter might drive people mad.
'Would you prefer not to talk in the mornings? If so I'll put on some music'
Although he might not answer you of course.

Honestly you sound like my worst nightmare op and I mean that In the nicest possible way I hate small talk and would be on edge the whole trip if you kept persisting, just find some music you like and let it go. Don't get the the thank you thing either, I assume driving in is part of the job.

I think he is somewhere in the spectrum. Probably mild autism /aspergers .
When you say "not a great place to walk" he is taking it literally and asking where are they to go?

He is not being rude, just asking.

My opinion

Last week a child asked me a question and I didnt know he was autistic. I didnt want to give the answer just yet as I was teaching that later so I said "maybe we will find out later"
He said "you are the expert and dont know the answer to questions?)

I realised then that I had to give straight answers, I then said, I know the answer and will tell you in 7 minutes

It will explain a lot of the behaviour.

If it's a newish car it may have a USB port so you can plug in your phone for music/books

got an image of you warbling "it must have been love..." Whilst he he looks forlornly out the window

That does sound really awkward, I'm quite socially awkward myself but I would say cheers for the lift. How is he at work?

I don't get the thank you thing, surely driving in is part of the job

It's basic manners to thank someone, just as it would be for anyone regardless of whether it's part of their job. You would thank a doctor, a waiter, a shop assistant or a taxi driver I would hope.

The reference to him not saying thank you was to show he's actually rude- as PP surely as you get out of a taxi you thank the driver? He just silently gets in and out. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or anything like that, but the other day something major went on at work and we all had a busy day, something which would have affected him. When we got in the car to go back to the hotel I referenced having a busy day and referred to the major event and he said "oh I missed that" even though everyone at work that day was involved. It was so weird and demonstrated he has zero interest in his job and the project we are working on. Then silence for the remaining journey.

Also I don't chit chat incessantly at him just a few attempts to be pleasant.

I'm not sure what others think of him apart from one of my colleagues said he was "awful".

I do feel wary being around him as he really sets my teeth on edge but he hasn't actually done anything worth a disciplinary just a very strange attitude.

I'm like that but as a female mask it slightly better.
If he is on the spectrum then any contact with any person will make him feel uncomfortable.
Just say good morning, then put your music on. Don't take it personally.
If he's anything like me, that's what will make him happy.

Sorry of course I would say thank you, I was thinking of a previous post where someone mentioned taking it further to management.
I would take the 'I missed it' as an attempt to prevent a conversation? Try not to let it get to you, is this gonna be a regular thing? I know u said a month left but do you rotate and have to go in together in another few months or is it a once off thing

I think I would probably go with the music / cd of some sort, and just leave him to the silence. Will you be finished with giving him lifts in a month?

I agree Luna, I don't think his lack of a thank you warrants lodging a complaint with management.

It's probably you. Do you smell?

The "I missed that" he hates you

I'd agree with others who suggest putting on some music or an audio book. If he's super shy, he probably dreads every day too, and would rather not car share coz it makes him tense, but doesn't have a choice (I assume he doesn't anyway?).

Try to remember that you don't have to make friends with everyone you work with, just be able to deal with them professionally. Often people do become friends at work through spending lots of time together, but if you don't click, or even find someone quite annoying, work on setting that aside and dealing with them just as you need to for work purposes - there is nothing wrong with that.
When i find someone at work frustrating or annoying, i try to remind myself that I'm getting paid for this time, to do the job and make it work with the people.

I have a much older family member that was undiagnosed with ASD for most of their adult life. Even as children if we walked into the same room as them they would leave as they were just physically incapable of talking, and even so much as a thank you would have tipped them over the edge. Your colleague may be so unhappy at being in a car knowing there is an obligation to talk but being frozen and unable to comply that they leap out of the car at the first possible moment. Try to be a little forgiving, OP, and get some audio books to pass the time. If the car doesn't have a CD player download them to your phone.

Death Metal CDs
Or self-improvement

If you feel anxious about spending time alone with him then don't. Listen to your instincts. Can someone else come in the car with you?

"It's basic manners to thank someone, just as it would be for anyone regardless of whether it's part of their job. You would thank a doctor, a waiter, a shop assistant or a taxi driver I would hope."
I was probably in my mid-thirties before I trained myself to do this usually consistently. This was only possible after I realized that I wasn't doing it, of course. It's something that I knew in theory was expected, but I never seemed to remember it at the moment it was relevant.

Yes, I'm autistic.