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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my manager hinted that he thinks about me and wanks?

96 replies

RatherSheepish · 09/07/2016 15:11

I'm not a troll, honest. I've NCed a couple of times but that's it.

I started a new job a while ago and find my manager strangely attractive, although I have no intention of ever acting on this. We get on very well and I do sense that he finds me attractive too, although he's married.

We were recently out at team drinks and everyone was a bit tipsy. Manager and I got into a long discussion about relationships and temptation and what you do when you see someone you find desirable - do you admit you desire them, or do you immediately suppress that desire.

The conversation segued onto whether monogamy was a natural state - he said he didn't think it was for men and I said it probably wasn't for women either, but said it was great that he'd been with his wife 20 years without being tempted.

He then looked a bit sheepish and said it wasn't that he'd never been tempted, and that that all went back to suppressing desire for other people and that's why masturbation is so great as its a very effective tool for dealing with this desire!

Now until recently I worked in sexual health, so conversations about sex and sexuality are very normal for me - perhaps a bit too normal, I do recognise that. But the overriding impression I got was that he is attracted to me and thinks about me when he knocks one out

Since that evening he's been slightly friendlier to me, nothing sleazy, but definitely friendlier. Even my colleagues are saying they've known him for years but never seen him as animated as he was with me at the pub that evening.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I?

OP posts:

peppercold · 09/07/2016 16:57

And you said "it probably wasn't for women either"

You are gagging for it and want the go ahead from the internet. Christ

TheNewSchmoo · 09/07/2016 16:58

Ah, still not come back to the thread....

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 09/07/2016 17:00

This just pisses me off. In a few months, when you are involved in a physical or emotional affair, you will say that it "just happened" or were in over your head before you knew it. Bullshit.

It's actually not hard. If you are attracted to a married person, you never, EVER discuss his marriage, your love life or, for fuck's sake, sex. If you wouldn't want his wife overhearing your conversation (or a manager) then it is inappropriate. You do not get drunk and have conversations or find yourselves the last two at after work drinks. You do not go anywhere near a hotel room together when travelling on business, even to meet up or get some papers. Simple, no? Anything else, is just deliberately obscuring. Come on. Grow up. Be better. We have all been juniors in offices before and managed not to slide over that line, and most of us have seen that line coming and stepped back more than once. You're not unique or special (and he's a slimeball). STOP IT.

TooGood2BeFalse · 09/07/2016 17:03

Poorly disguised flirting on your part OP. I think you came here just to hear that he fancies you.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2016 17:11

Actually, having done an AS I think the reciprocation is probably all in the OP's head.

Like if she believes her manager fancies her back, that makes it totally true.

Possibly looking for a new job is the best solution here OP, because otherwise you're just going to find yourself the subject of office laughter and pitying looks.

Not to mention how your poor DP might feel if he ever met any of these people.

crayfish · 09/07/2016 17:13

Ugh. No he wasn't hinting that (based on what you say he said), but you were quite clearly 'hinting' that you would be up for a shag/affair.

Perhaps step away from your boss, try to relocate your dignity and while you're at it, have a look for some respect for your partner and his.

MudCity · 09/07/2016 17:19

I actually think (given your previous posts) that you are hankering after him FAR more than he is after you. You have been preoccupied with him since your job interview and it seems quite clear to me that you have made it clear you fancy him. You are simply waiting for him to reciprocate and getting into a conversation about relationships and monogamy while you were both "tipsy" was your way of checking him out and putting him in a position where he could have admitted he fancied you.

Fact is, he didn't admit that did he? You pushed for it but he didn't say it. He will know you fancy him and he may be flattered by your attention but, when all is said and done, he hasn't done anything to follow this up.

You, on the other hand, are writing various posts on Mumsnet about him. I doubt he is doing anything remotely connected with you during his time off.

Your colleagues will be watching you. Make no mistake about that.

Redglitter · 09/07/2016 17:22

I bet your not the first he's been like this with. You're probably the talk of the office watching him line up his next little affair. If you haven't already you're probably about to lose the respect of your colleagues and any credibility you had

roundaboutthetown · 09/07/2016 17:39

Yes, if I were you, I would be looking for another job. You've made a prize tit of yourself. You know you find each other attractive and both think it abnormal to be monogamous, and have agreed with each other on the subject in front of your colleagues. What a totally inappropriate conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a sweepstake on when you two have sex together and whether that will be in the workplace or you'll choose a hotel...

roundaboutthetown · 09/07/2016 17:39

(If there IS...)

Discobabe · 09/07/2016 17:50

Aww, not only does he apparently imply he wanks over you but you're obviously the first women he's been tempted by in his 20 yr monogamy, you must be SO super hot. Next he'll be telling you his wife doesn't get him and when he's shagging you (because your boundaries are obviously equally as crap) he'll tell you he's not shagging his wife at the same time. I suppose you do have the upper hand in one way.....you'll recognise the symptoms of any stds he's passing around.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2016 17:51

Hi OP, in case you're a bit confused, here is a definition of boundaries

It's something that indicates bounds or out limits, (as a line that should not be crossed).

Definitely worth remembering when you're at work and paid to do your job.

Im not a troll, honest
Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Maybe a timewaster then?

AyeAmarok · 09/07/2016 18:19

DCITennison · 09/07/2016 18:23

feckity
"I can see how you can get that, as long as you assume the whole conversation was you both talking about your mutual desire but pretending it was hypothetical. I have no idea if that's what was in his mind, but it was clearly in yours, so perhaps a new job is a good idea..."

Spot on

PortiaFinis · 09/07/2016 18:25

Ahhh OP, I think you behaved inappropriately but I think you've been dealt with harshly.

It's tough when you fancy someone and can't stop thinking about them and you want to know if they like you too.

I sympathise..... but you really have to pull yourself together and fancy your DP, think about him.

You have to think about this man's marriage and his wife. 20 years is an achievement.

You have to think about your career and not fucking it up by taking this any further so you have to leave or worse get disciplined.

You have to think about yourself and what you like about yourself and not need approbation from other people fancying you and flirting with you or bringing up overly-salacious conversation.

This kind of thing is never going to end well, a little crush adds a frisson to life sometimes but destroying two relationships and hurting two innocent people for a couple of minutes of cheating - it's never worth it.

Back away from him and fix your relationship. Don't allow yourself to think about him at all and certainly not whether he wanks and what he wanks about.

And to be deadly harsh - no, I don't think it sounds like he was talking about you specifically. I think he was drunk and admits he fantasises about other people sometimes.

PortiaCastis · 09/07/2016 18:27

If you fall for crappy lines you will have crappy times.
So you want to think the boss is having a toss while thinking of you.
Dream on he'll wank whether thinking about you or his wife or the female on the porn site.
Feel sorry for his wife being married to a wanker, she's the person who puts the stained undercrackers in the machine

SuperFlyHigh · 09/07/2016 18:51

P1nkkPoppy - I've worked in places where employees who are married have been having an affair, not kept it well hidden either but neither are disciplined... of course they're talked about though.

Portia - harshly?! Yes I think OP has been dealt with harshly but she deserves it, she knows exactly what she's doing.

About 15 years ago I was in a serious relationship with a man for about 2 years, 18 months into this relationship a new woman (she was early 20s) started at my partner's office, but made no bones about it that she fancied my partner and enjoyed flirting with him. I saw her when I went to their office Christmas party and it was obvious she had designs on my partner but they didn't do anything then... of course when we broke up he took great pleasure in telling me that he was dating/had had sex with her but it certainly didn't help matters that she was flirting with him openly (doing much the same as OP and her boss are doing) and relishing my partner obviously flattered listening to her lines.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 09/07/2016 19:50

I don't get the impression that's what he meant at all. At best you seem over invested in a conversation he has probably forgotten about. As other posters have said it was unprofessional (and a bit sad) that you tried to steer the conversation into making him say what you obviously wanted to hear. Then when he didn't you read between the lines to come up with that interpretation anyway.

SerenaWilliamans · 09/07/2016 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PortiaCastis · 09/07/2016 20:01

Serena.

Sciurus83 · 09/07/2016 20:46

Retreat retreat!! No more boozy inappropriate conversations with the boss, I think you both probably crossed over into dodgy ground here. Professional to a tee from now on! X

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