Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my manager hinted that he thinks about me and wanks?

96 replies

RatherSheepish · 09/07/2016 15:11

I'm not a troll, honest. I've NCed a couple of times but that's it.

I started a new job a while ago and find my manager strangely attractive, although I have no intention of ever acting on this. We get on very well and I do sense that he finds me attractive too, although he's married.

We were recently out at team drinks and everyone was a bit tipsy. Manager and I got into a long discussion about relationships and temptation and what you do when you see someone you find desirable - do you admit you desire them, or do you immediately suppress that desire.

The conversation segued onto whether monogamy was a natural state - he said he didn't think it was for men and I said it probably wasn't for women either, but said it was great that he'd been with his wife 20 years without being tempted.

He then looked a bit sheepish and said it wasn't that he'd never been tempted, and that that all went back to suppressing desire for other people and that's why masturbation is so great as its a very effective tool for dealing with this desire!

Now until recently I worked in sexual health, so conversations about sex and sexuality are very normal for me - perhaps a bit too normal, I do recognise that. But the overriding impression I got was that he is attracted to me and thinks about me when he knocks one out Confused

Since that evening he's been slightly friendlier to me, nothing sleazy, but definitely friendlier. Even my colleagues are saying they've known him for years but never seen him as animated as he was with me at the pub that evening.

I'm going to have to find a new job aren't I?

OP posts:
branofthemist · 09/07/2016 16:12

What the fuck?

What do you want? People to say 'oh yeah he definitely meant he thinks of your when he wanks, lucky you'

Or ' yeah he probably does, it's ok to shag him'

Why are you looking to us to fuel your shitty fantasy?

I don't really care where your last job was. Surely you had to behave appropriately and have professional boundaries.

MollyTwo · 09/07/2016 16:13

You have a DH and DC as well? Shame on you. You sound really sleazy and I do wonder how you interpreted your managers comments. Sounds like you are desperately trying to convince yourself he fancies you.

KoalaDownUnder · 09/07/2016 16:13

Oh ffs.

Why would you even be having this conversation with your married manager?

Pathetic!

SuperFlyHigh · 09/07/2016 16:15

elspethflashman very eurgh....

I think for some strange reason (I've known people who've worked in sexual health too and they're not all 'open' about it) OP thinks because she's worked in sexual health before and been 'open' about sexual matters then somehow she thinks it's perfectly ok to do this now with her boss. The word 'boundaries' springs to mind.

Call me a judgmental prude but I don't think I have ever (unless I fancied them and even then I can't think of a time I have done so) have talked like OP has done on such a deep level with a colleague/boss etc.

EarthboundMisfit · 09/07/2016 16:16

He was sounding you out, maybe? If you really don't plan to take this further, keep it professional from now on.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/07/2016 16:17

bran - what I said a bit.

OP seems to think she was very much 'cool girl' with her last job being open about sex etc... but obviously she's had little or no experience re HR, boundaries and how to act professionally. She's also 40, you could sort of excuse this behaviour from a much younger colleague but even then most of them I know at my workplace wouldn't dream of talking like this!

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2016 16:18

Having read SuperFly's post, I think the OP needs to grow up.

Ear licking? Seriously?

VestalVirgin · 09/07/2016 16:20

The conversation segued onto whether monogamy was a natural state - he said he didn't think it was for men

And that's the point where you run. Between the lines, he told you he would think it natural to cheat on his wife. I don't like that implication.

I do think you should try to get a new job.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/07/2016 16:23

Vestal OMG you are so right... I sort of skipped that sentence...

He definitely wants to cheat or has cheated and is sounding you out OP, you sound sad to say like you're 'ripe for the picking' if that's what you want.

DotForShort · 09/07/2016 16:23

You have posted before about fancying him. Did you really think that it was a good idea to have a drunken conversation with him about sex, relationships, monogamy, and temptation? You really thought that was a wise course of action? Good heavens. If you were a friend of mine asking for advice, I would say keep your relationship with your manager strictly professional and avoid inappropriate conversations from now on.

FTR, I don't think he was implying what you inferred.

thepothasboiledover · 09/07/2016 16:27

AIBU to think that the OP is fully intending to shag her married boss? Hmm I hope his wife realises what's going on and slaps the shit out of both of you

Noonesfool · 09/07/2016 16:31

face licking, Worra

MudCity · 09/07/2016 16:31

By commenting how great it is that he has been with his wife for 20 years and not been tempted, you were checking him out OP. You were / are hoping that he would admit to being tempted by you. He didn't admit that so you are asking the question on Mumsnet because you want him to fancy you.

You have also failed to mention your own relationship. If you are unhappy in your current relationship, or want more excitement, then tell your DP and leave. But don't drag a married man into your affairs. Find your excitement somewhere else.

KoalaDownUnder · 09/07/2016 16:32

I also really, really don't think he was talking about you personally, with the wanking comment.

I honestly don't understand why you think he was? Confused

Bloody weird!

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2016 16:34

Noonesfool Shock

handslikecowstits · 09/07/2016 16:36

From reading this and the OP's other threads, I realise I've led such a sheltered life. Thank god.

OlennasWimple · 09/07/2016 16:37

I have a rule that has stood me in good stead over my career: never discuss masturbation with the boss

pussinasda · 09/07/2016 16:37

i think he knows you fancy him and hes wants a shag, but i dont think he wants a relationship just a shagand everyone else in the office knows this too

WellErrr · 09/07/2016 16:39

You fancy him.

Step away.

Tingitangi · 09/07/2016 16:39

YABU.
He explained that he wanks in order to deal with his attraction to other people. Doesn't necessarily means he wants off to you.
Why would you leave your job over this?
You are over thinking the situation, imo.

P1nkP0ppy · 09/07/2016 16:48

...find my manager strangely attractive...
You know full bloody well YABVVU, as well as inappropriate, unprofessional and downright sleazy.
You're handing yourself over to him on a plate, and what's more your colleagues have noticed.
It won't be long before senior management notice and you're both dismissed explain that to your OH

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/07/2016 16:48

I haven't read anybody' else's responses yet, OP, just your first post. I think he was testing the water and would 'go there' if you allowed it. I think you flirted back as well, quite openly.

Most people do not get into sex chat with their managers and your having worked in the sexual health industry is a bit of a misdirected excuse, I think. It's completely irrelevant to the flirty conversation.

Both of you have stepped over the line and you need to pull back. If you do, he will and will move on to the next woman who will.

gettingtherequickly · 09/07/2016 16:52

Do you know, in a 20 year career, I have never, ever discussed my sex life with colleagues.

It seems to have worked out quite well, I'm a director now, I think work based affairs have a tendency to distract people from, you know, doing the job they are paid to do.

GruffaloPants · 09/07/2016 16:54

Your side of things sounds like you were testing the waters. He probably thinks he's in with a chance.

If he fancies you then yes, he probably thinks about you when he wanks. I've a feeling that's what you were hoping for.

No need to get a new job. Just don't flirt or talk about sex, fidelity and temptation wth your boss.

ThePigeon314 · 09/07/2016 16:57

I agree with others.

You've made yourself look a bit ripe to tempted shagged with that inappropriate conversation, which you both entered in to.