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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how much you see of/speak to your parents?

92 replies

MrsMedlock · 08/07/2016 14:48

Particularly your mum. Mine work full time and live an hour away. But they rarely ever call me, if I call them they are always rushed, busy and appear bored/dismissive of anything I have to tell them. They come over for a couple of hours approx once a fortnight and just sit and chat, occasionally play a little with DC then make their excuses and leave. They were never really around for me or my sister growing up so I don't know why expected better with their grandchildren but it still hurts. My children would love to see more of them. It always feels like they do the bare minimum to fill the requirements of what they see as 'involved' grandparents (this is the term that they actually use). I've tried to talk to my mum lots of times about how I'd love to see more of her and it's always brushed off as 'I had to bring up you with not much help, my mum wasn't interested etc' but she always seems to miss the point.. it's not the help of babysitting etc I'm after. It's just her being more emotionally available. If I gently press my point she will become angry/tearful and say she's busy with work and doesn't need to a guilt trip. Almost every single one of my female friends and acquaintances are much closer to their mums than I or at least see a lot more of them. I often pretend to them I see more of my mum than I do because I find it embarrassing to explain her disinterest. What I can't understand is within my mums own friendship circle her close friends and sisters are very close with their own daughters and go for lunch, holidays etc together. And yet she never seems to notice it's not like that between us? She spends a lot of time with her friends, always has done and goes on holidays and dos breaks with them. But then she's too busy for us. She's never once booked a day off work to spend with us. I just feel so sad we've never had a close relationship and don't spend any time together. I suppose I am just looking for solidarity and wondering if anyone else has experienced similar with their parents or even any viewpoints from the opposite side.. I am 26 and my mum is 53 so maybe some mumsnetters with grown up daughters/grandchildren can help give me some perspective. Please be kind, I understand my mum has her own life, has no obligation to spend time with us and my children are the responsibility of myself and my husband alone. I just wish either of my parents had more time for us, that's all.

OP posts:

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus · 09/07/2016 06:34

My mother died two years ago but I went NC with her 2 years before that. She was an alcoholic for 30 years (from when I was a teen) so became selfish and horrible, she refused all efforts to help her and distanced herself from my life as much as she could because drinking was the only thing that mattered.
I thought I was close to my father as I did my best to support him over it all, unfortunately he showed his true colours when he brought a woman onto the scene a few weeks after my mother died (in hindsight he was seeing her before) and this woman made it quite clear that there was no room in the family for myself and my kids, (my fathers GC's) and to keep the peace and because my father is infatuated he's gone along with it all. Her children's kids are there all the time though and my father has been sucked into this new family. He's not spoken to me for just over a year but sends the GC's birthday and Christmas cards with a few quid in. Big deal.

FoxyLoxy123 · 09/07/2016 06:45

My Mum is single and has been for about 10 years. I see her most weekends. She lives half an hour away and works full time (60 this year). DP's Mum and Dad we don't see very often. They live half an hour away too but are a bit 'old' compared to my Mum despite only being a couple of years older. Even DP finds my Mum easier to spend time with than his!

zippyswife · 09/07/2016 07:16

Mum lives 20 mins away. See each other 1-2 times a week, speak every day. My dad died a few years ago so the contact is more than it would be otherwise.

for those of you that don't have a good relationship with your mum.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 09/07/2016 07:23

I speak to my mum practically every day and more via messenger.

I see my parents about once a week and often stay over. Actually I'm staying over there now. They're very involved with DS.

If I don't speak to them for a few days I start to feel a bit odd.😶

Chrisinthemorning · 09/07/2016 07:26

I speak to my mum every day and see her a couple of times a week. They live in the same village. We are close although she does drive me mad sometimes as mothers do.
MIL we speak to about 3 times a week and DH and DS see her every week. She does one day a week school pick up or has DS a day a week in the holidays. I tend to be at work so don't always see her.

minifingerz · 09/07/2016 07:30

I talk to my mum every day and have dinner with her once a week. My children really love her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2016 07:36

I used to see my parents maybe weekly /fortnightly - call once a week - they were busy and always galavanting

Then my mum got cancer and I saw her practically daily and would sit and talk to her or be about while dad out if he had to do stuff

Luckily I generally work nights so daytime quite flexible

Since my mum died almost 2yrs ago I call /email my dad daily and try to visit least once a week and go out for lunch

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2016 07:40

I hate the fact he is lonely and worry constantly about him - he's 77 - he is bored as retired years ago

Men don't seem to have some many friends when older - where as woman seem to go out for cuppas more

Time is long when alone. When my dh died 5yrs ago (wow is it really that long ago ......) I found it hard doing nothing and went back to work 3 days (was days then)

I'm trying to encourage my dad to work again at something he loves - not for the money - but for sanity sake

nessus · 09/07/2016 07:54

Eliminated my mom from my life 4 years ago. Longest run ever and intend for it to be permanent. Have seen her on the streets since then, spoke once as I couldn't avoid her.

Undecided about going to her funeral when she does finally die.

Saw my father 30 odd years ago.

Neither have ever done / given / contributed anything to mine or DD's life would / could / is missed.

barabasiAlbert · 09/07/2016 09:10

see my parents once a year for about a week, where they talk at my DH and my BIL and largely ignore me and my sister. DH plays along while agreeing it's all bonkers; BIL is the long-lost child of my parents and loves nothing more than to mansplain and monopolise conversation about something that interests him. I speak to parents once a week for about an hour, where again, they just talk at me & DH about themselves. They know very little about my life and don't seem to realise that they could know more if they were less rude and critical of other people - I listen to them bitching about perfectly normal and nice other people and think "well I won't be telling them that about myself then".

PIL- I see them once a year and love it. Speak about once every couple of weeks and always feel it isn't enough.

We told parents & PIL we're having a kid, last week. My parents have said "congratulations" and nothing else, by email, and didn't even remember to refer to it in the phonecall the next day. PIL phoned up straight away and twice the next day, have emailed constantly with delight and congratulations and offers of help and stuff.

myownprivateidaho · 09/07/2016 09:21

Huh, I speak to and see my parents at a similar frequency to the op, and I consider myself very close to them. Seeing them once a fortnight seems like a lot for people who are working full time. And as for being rushed on evening calls... Is she tired out after work? It's interesting you want her to book time off work-- do you feel you're competing for attention with the job? I don't know the ins an outs of the relationship, but in general it's best to try to value what you have rather than dwell on what you don't.

Flisspaps · 09/07/2016 09:22

I see my mum every 6 weeks or so, she lives a mile away. Usually her visits are so she can babysit - the DC love it but she usually has her other DGC most weekends, it works for me though.

My Dad? Until recently I saw him weekly, around 2-3 months ago all of a sudden he stopped visiting - he hasn't responded to text messages from me but has to some from my sister. Not sure how I've offended him but I've left the ball in his court re contact.

I had a somewhat strained relationship with my parents anyway.

ILs - usually we visit every few weeks, I've not been for a while due to work commitments but DH and the DC have been up and we all FaceTime then a couple of times a week.

Eve · 09/07/2016 09:25

Speak to my mum several times a day, we are very close, found out yesterday she has aggressive untreatable cancer. Don't know what to do at the moment.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/07/2016 10:08

Didn't real everything but do you pop around to your parents house too. My dc are all in twenties and one has a dd. They all come here about two weekends a month. We catch up have dinner but they all head out to see friends sleep a lot and just hang around. I continue to meet my friends when they're here and go out to movies with dh whatever. I rarely visit them as messy apartments do my head in. They are all students.
Since l married 30 years ago l visited parents weekly or else chatted on phone at weekend. My dp only visited here when invited for dinner or a very odd time to babysit. But they regularly had kids to their place to stay. I found the best thing was to accept them whatever way they are. Often as a teacher l see mums come everyday to collect their gc with their dds. That would drive me nuts. Believe me a dm who has her own work, friends hobbies etc is far healthier than one living in your ear and complaining if you're not available 24/7. Maybe begin to pop over to her more often but meantime enjoy the space.

WasDat · 09/07/2016 10:19

Sorry to hear that about your mum Eve

Speak to my mum every day, see her usually 3/4 times a week. My parents live half a mile from me and provide some of my childcare but even before DS I'd see them the same amount. Very close to my parents, probably too close!

My DH on the other hand sees his mum once a month and she only lives a mile away. Not much contact in between. His dad once a year if that as he's abroad.

theclick · 09/07/2016 10:21

Every week, sometimes twice, talk/message/watsapp a few times a week, and they expect me and DH to visit at least once on a weekend. So a relative amount.

LuluJakey1 · 09/07/2016 10:29

My parents are both dead.
PIL live about 2 hrs away. We see them every six weeks or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. They love DS and try to come up and we go down there. DH calls them a couple of times a week or they call him. They are lovely to me and very supportive but just not my mum and dad. I don't have brothers or sisters either so it feels a bit odd being totally by myself. I have DH and DS and SIL and BIL but in terms of my family there is no one.

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