to ask how much you see of/speak to your parents?

[MrsMedlock]

Particularly your mum. Mine work full time and live an hour away. But they rarely ever call me, if I call them they are always rushed, busy and appear bored/dismissive of anything I have to tell them. They come over for a couple of hours approx once a fortnight and just sit and chat, occasionally play a little with DC then make their excuses and leave. They were never really around for me or my sister growing up so I don't know why expected better with their grandchildren but it still hurts. My children would love to see more of them. It always feels like they do the bare minimum to fill the requirements of what they see as 'involved' grandparents (this is the term that they actually use). I've tried to talk to my mum lots of times about how I'd love to see more of her and it's always brushed off as 'I had to bring up you with not much help, my mum wasn't interested etc' but she always seems to miss the point.. it's not the help of babysitting etc I'm after. It's just her being more emotionally available. If I gently press my point she will become angry/tearful and say she's busy with work and doesn't need to a guilt trip. Almost every single one of my female friends and acquaintances are much closer to their mums than I or at least see a lot more of them. I often pretend to them I see more of my mum than I do because I find it embarrassing to explain her disinterest. What I can't understand is within my mums own friendship circle her close friends and sisters are very close with their own daughters and go for lunch, holidays etc together. And yet she never seems to notice it's not like that between us? She spends a lot of time with her friends, always has done and goes on holidays and dos breaks with them. But then she's too busy for us. She's never once booked a day off work to spend with us. I just feel so sad we've never had a close relationship and don't spend any time together. I suppose I am just looking for solidarity and wondering if anyone else has experienced similar with their parents or even any viewpoints from the opposite side.. I am 26 and my mum is 53 so maybe some mumsnetters with grown up daughters/grandchildren can help give me some perspective. Please be kind, I understand my mum has her own life, has no obligation to spend time with us and my children are the responsibility of myself and my husband alone. I just wish either of my parents had more time for us, that's all.

I speak to my mum every day usually, sometimes more than once a day.

I see her much less than I would like due to her work schedule and she lives a 90 minute drive away. I spent Mon and Tues with her but probably won't see her for another two weeks now.

My dad- never.

Speak maybe once a month / 6 weeks, usually instigated by me. Visit maybe 4/5 times a year, she lives 35 minutes away. She shows little interest in me or dd although thinks she's the world's most loving mother and Gran. Got to a point now ( I'm 46 , she's 66) where I have put up the barriers and have stopped making the effort but I know it's a defence mechanism to lessen the hurt. When we talk it's fine and like all is ok but she will have conversations with her DP whilst " listening" to me. She's not always a very nice person tbh and has alienated a lot of the family. Try to see it as her loss but not easy though. Can't even begin to imagine having that relationship with my DD when she is grown.

I haven't seen my parents in about 2 years, and before then, 4 years (was fed up of being the only one to make an effort). They refuse to visit me (I'm about an hour's train ride away), and then have NEVER visited me since I left home at 18. I'm 35 now. I've lived all over the world and they haven't ever made a trip to see me. My mother hasn't called me on the phone for years. Over a decade, probably. Dad will occasionally call when he is drunk, every so often. They may, or may not, email, once every couple of months. I have to initiate conversation, and if I don't, they simply will not. Quite often they ignore my emails or calls or letters or gifts. But woe betide me if I forget a birthday/mothers/fathers day. They do not call me on my birthday. They bang on about me 'visiting more', but once I get to theirs, they ignore me, and we eat separately and sit in separate rooms of the house. We do not have a good relationship. Which is why I have no desire to visit them.

My dad is our childcare so if he's having DD that week I see him and my mum 3-4 times a week including tea one night and a wknd visit. If he's not having DD I see them both usually once at the wknd. Always together usually as my mum doesn't drive. They live about 5 miles away.

I have a text chat with my mum every single day too (she's only just learnt how and now never stops! )

I see my parents a few times a month - we live a couple of hours away.
I speak to my mum at least three times a week, and my dad maybe once a week.
My dad travels a lot for work, and is sometimes in my area, so he drops round unexpectedly sometimes!

I live abroad so I don't see my parents often, once a year or so, and that's about as much contact as I have with my dad (no problems between us, we just never chat on the phone really, unless I skype both of them) and my mum I'll chat to on facebook from time to time (maybe once a month or so) and we'll talk on the phone once every couple of months maybe. At the moment we're in contact a lot more than normal because of family circumstances but in the past I've gone months without hearing anything from her. I still feel close to her, but I've never been one for chatting on the phone much.

My mom is retired and lives the life of riley in Spain: Speak to about 4 times a year through facebook, never on the phone, ever (though she calls my sisters) see her twice a year ish, sometimes three times, depends how often she comes over to help out my sister with the dc. (she has never helped with mine.)
My dad lives down the road now, still works, very high up engineer and travels abroad a lot for work but refuses to be away longer than a week as he misses me and my sis and he would have to be dead to miss seeing us at least once a week. I speak to him on the phone probs twice a week and facebook every day.
Even when my parents were still together and living in Spain my dad would fly back every weekend to see us and my mom would stay in Spain with her friends as she had very important social engagement that she couldn't miss, when I nearly died in labour with my first dc, (her first grandchild in 20 years) she couldn't stay to see me or the baby as she had to get back to Spain for bingo at the local.
Tbh I feel like my mom died years and years ago, I have a wonderful dad, my mom just doesn't give a shit about me and mine. She stopped talking to me completely when they divorced as I look like him and she found it upsetting...

in fact I often say to my sister, if we could pick who our moms were, I'd pick hers!

I speak to my dad once a week or so. We're both busy though. I haven't spoken to him for over a week now as every time I think I'll phone him I realise there's an important football match on that he'll be watching and then it's too late to phone. When my mum was alive it was still about once a week.
Several times a day sounds completely OTT, when do you get stuff done? I work though I always think the frequent phoners are at home and bored. My parents used to phone their parents once a week or so as well as like us they moved away from their parents. They both worked as well.

My mom is 86 and up until 2 years ago we would text every morning, then call each other in the evening. We would visit her every couple of months and she would come and stay with us for school holidays (we live 2 and half hours away). Then useless arsehole brother 'left' his wife and moved in with mom. He hasn't paid a penny rent, insisted on her having top package for internet, deletes her soaps from the planner for his shit, has his 'ex' wife come over whenever he likes etc etc. Ive spoken to my mom once in the last 10 days and that's how it's been since he's been there. He can do no wrong and is seriously in danger of splitting our family up. Not bitter at all

A few times a month. Visits (usually they come to me rather than the other way) maybe once a month or so.

Haven't seen them for about four years or more. Speak maybe once every couple of months, and it's always me who calls. Christmas and birthday gifts though.

My dad died 30 years ago but at the time we lived apart 25 miles apart, neither of us could drive and with zero public transport option I'd see him maybe once a month. Talked on the phone every couple of weeks.

I spoke to my mum every single day, sometimes twice a day, even when I was out of the country we'd speak daily. I saw her at least twice a week when I was in England.

They live an hour away.

Why would you speak to your mother several times a day?

Saw my mum and dad every week and speak to my mum most days by text. I'm sorry yours is like that, is she just not very maternal? It's hard when you see how your friends mums are. My MIL is lovely with me but is quite distant from her daughters, they are civil but there isn't any closeness. Seeing them give each other a hug is awkward. She said once that she felt closer to her sons..

Lulu How come you haven't seen them in 4 years if they are an hour away? Sorry hope you don't mind me asking.

I don't have children but besides that my situation is the mirror image of yours OP - I've been having counselling for a couple of months to explore my feelings about my relationship with my mum as it was affecting my feelings about having children of my own. No real help or advice to offer as I have a long way to go myself, but

I am so glad to come across this thread as feel like my Mum and I have a strained relationshup. She is emotionally unavailable too, so although it's not a nice positiont o be in and I can totally empathise OP with your post, it is nice to hear that not everyone is playing happy families with their parents.

Why would you speak to your mother several times a day?

I enjoy talking to her. If something has happened or I've had a bad day, or even a good one I like to tell her about it. I like to say hello to her every day, see what she is up to etc. I spoke to her three times yesterday but not at all today because she was training but I'm sure she will call at some point this evening.

When she is abroad we exchange the odd text and when she comes home I have a huge list of things to tell her, usually mundane shit but I love sharing things with her and she is the same with me.

My dad doesn't love me, doesn't want to know me, doesn't even know the names and ages of my children. I think that is one of the reasons why I have the relationship I have with my mum.

lulucappuccino- do you have children?

4/5/6 times a week but they live up the road and I'm on mat leave. Probably 3 times a week before baby, but I spoke to my mum every day.

Speak once a week - ish, see my mum about 3/4 times a year (dad died a long time ago). OK relationship but tbh she wasn't the greatest mother when I was younger and actually needed her, but now I'm older and don't need her, and she's getting on a bit and widowed for the 2nd time, she seems to want more of a relationship and to see more of me, which tbh I'm not willing to give. It's quite sad really but I feel she hasn't invested enough in me over the years to get back what she now wants (which is definitely with an eye to me 'looking after' her as she gets older)

Speak for about 45 minutes to an hour once a fortnight.

See her about 4 or 5 times a year for a whole day or weekend.

No, we are not close.

I speak to mine every 2 weeks and see them about 3 times a year. They live 200 miles away.