Relationship

[youngran]

My eldest son is divorced from his first wife and is currently living with his fiancée whom he is marrying in October. There have been bitter arguments between my son and his first wife and because, he says, she has been horrible to him he has forbidden me to speak to her. I get on well with my ex-daughter-in-law and believe that I should maintain good relations with her and speak to her if I wish to, particularly if my grandsons are around. My son is now not speaking to me because I have spoken to my ex-daughter-in-law and It is deadlock between him and me.

Has she been horrible to him?

Which relationship is more important to you, your relationship with your son or your ex DIL?

Bella - she has grandsons so obviously doesn't want to completely ignore ex DIL

I think maintaining civility is important for your grandkids and your DS needs to take a leaf out of your book.

In my opinion you shouldn't go out of your way to speak to ex-DIL but if you happen to see her or need to speak to her regarding grandchildren then that should be fine. I can see it from both POV.

Your son thinks he can tell you who you can and can't speak you? 'Forbids' you to speak to the mother if your grandson?

Controlling, isn't he. Perhaps he doesn't want you to speak to her because she'll tell you what he's really like. Did he leave her and his son for this new fiancee?

If you have to choose between Controlling, Demanding Son who indulges in behaviour like not speaking to you, and daughter-in-law and grandson who seem like they really need you now, it seems an easy choice to me.

Could it be the new girlfriend of his doesn't like this relationship between you and her? Maybe she has said something to your son.

It depends on the reason for the split, the behaviour afterwards and what you mean by 'maintain good relations with'.

Being civil and having a good relationship with your GC, doesn't mean that you have to be overly involved with her.

I've known Ex PILs to carry on as though the ex, is still a full member of the Family, to then be very hurt when they're dropped, when a new relationship starts.

Her being invited to Christmas etc shouldn't trump your Son, for example.

It really depends on the situation (their relationship, the split etc) and what sort of level of contact you are wanting to maintain.

What if the ex DIL was abusive and he doesn't feel like he can talk about it?

What if the ex DIL was abusive and he doesn't feel like he can talk about it?

^ this

But the Ex DIL isn't the one making demands and refusing to speak to OP.

It's hard to tell without further information, and could completely come down to actually being there and seeing the situation.

Did the son 'demand' and is now angry and trying to control/punish his mother, or did he ask, and is now too intimidated/concerned to be able to tak to her? Hard to tell.

It's a horrible situation for you. I agree that you should try to maintain civility for your gcs sake. I know a few people who have been in the STBXDIL position and were forever questioning why the MILs weren't even being friendly for the sake of the gcs, in some cases it led to the entire dads side being cut off as the family weren't allowed to talk and the dads stopped seeing the kids.