to want to do my husband physical harm...

[TiredyMcTired]

He's sat on the sofa watching Portugal v Wales and eating a bowl of Doritos washed down with a beer. All I can hear is his teeth crashing together as he chews the bloody Doritos it's making me utterly deranged with anger

Kick the packet clean out of his hands then LTB

My husband was just doing similar with potatoes but smacking his lips and eating with his fingers, I want to kill him

Frying pan -face.

While you will still hear him making crunching noises they will be a lot more satisfying as dh will be reduced to a liquid diet for the foreseeable future, once his jaw has been wired of course

eww makes me wonder why you chose him in the first place

It's the sodding noise, so loud!!! I think that ridiculously loud eating should be a category to file for divorce! He's so blissfully ignorant about how loud he's chewing too doofus

Beetroot2, he's ridiculously handsome and I was blinded by lust

Start vacuuming.
In front of the TV.
Noisily

Short lived that lust thing

awaits the thread police to come in with sirens blazing, to tell you how unacceptable you are to threaten violence, it's sexist cos you is a woman a nod a man wouldn't be able to make a joke like that...bla bla bla

Naughty OP. You went and forgot to put a disclaimer in the title.

If you smack him with a pan and he needs his jaw wired, then he may....shudder......SLURP!

Oh god poverty I forgot about the slurping. Easy solve though. Have his jaw wired complety shut/mouth stitched together, then administer plasma/nutrients etc through i.v.
Slurping problem solved.

(I may have spent many many many a rage filled meal thinking about this. Dp can't breath through his nose so it is a cathartic exercise for me yeah that sounds plausable)

PovertyPain, I'll try to remember not to ignite the ire of the Thread Police next time I consider wanting to do my DH some harm, or I could just not buy him crisps any more