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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning down a party invitation (age 6)

80 replies

EatingMyHat · 06/07/2016 19:56

DS age 6 has been invited to a Fairy party for a friends birthday. Has been buddies with the little girl since babyhood. I had previously told the party girls mother I thought he would want to go.

Turns out when he got the invite in the post this week he did not fancy it at all. The Fairy part put him right off, he said he'd rather do something different just the two of them.

There is a month before the party and party girl's mum has already said he can be replaced if he doesn't want to come.

I let party girls mum know his suggestion and she says my DS is being really mean.

I thought he was being fairy nuff fair enough as if a friend of mine was having a boozy party for example I'd decline an invitation and suggest something we'd both enjoy a different time, since boozy parties are not my thing.

I have had a shit week for unrelated reasons and can't think straight. WhoIBU?

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 06/07/2016 21:33

YANBU. it's a month away and she didn't bother to think about the fact that lots of 6 yo boys wouldn't want to go to a Fairy Party. She could have easily framed it as a Fairy & Wizzards party on DS's invitation.

I'd have tried to 'sell it' to DS, but if he was adamant he didn't want to go then of course I wouldn't make him go.

I think it was nice to want to celebrate her birthday, just the two of them, doing somethng they'd both enjoy.

It doesn't matter if it's a child's or adults party/event, you decide if the people coming or the theme/activity is the most important thing for that occasion, then you make your decision accordingly. If you choose a theme/activity that some people won't enjoy, then you just accept they'll probably decline the invitation this time. Really, no big deal. Or you compromise on the theme/activity to have everyone there and don't whinge about what you'd rather have done.

Pearlman · 06/07/2016 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 06/07/2016 21:41

I agree that you're applying adult norms to kid social situations.

The polite thing to do is just to say "Sorry what a shame, he can't make it. Hope X has a lovely birthday!" and leave it at that. You don't need to arrange another meet up. If they are friends they'll end up having a playdate at some point anyway.

Muskateersmummy · 06/07/2016 21:44

If it was me, I would have spoken to my child about it being his friends birthday and that its kind and polite to go. I have been to plenty of parties I would preferred not to because my friend wanted to or family had invited us. Sometimes we have to do things for other people's happiness not our own.

loosechange · 06/07/2016 21:52

I agree with the life is a minefield comment. He is a six year old boy who doesn't want to go to a fairy party, but would like to spend time with his friend another day. I really wouldn't care if it was my child's party. It's not like there's only one day's notice.

I always think I am quite wound up. Some of the stories on here make me look horizontal!

Original poster
EatingMyHat · 06/07/2016 22:44

I think I could have handled this better.

I could not give a white lie to soften the blow as our availability had been pre-checked.

To be honest I think I thought my friendship with the little girls mum was closer and stronger than this and I gave an honest response that we would have happily accepted from her were the situation reversed.

I have had a shit week due to something else and she pressurised me for a quick response and I did not foresee any of this.

OP posts:
Coconut0il · 06/07/2016 22:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He got an invite, he didn't want to go. Fair enough. I would be quite annoyed at the 'he's being mean' comment from an adult. At 6 I wouldn't have forced my DS1 to go to a party he didn't want to go to.

mushroomsontoast · 06/07/2016 23:02

Is he actually friends with the little girl, or is she just the DD of your friend? Do they go to school together? Is it that he's not going to know anyone there apart from the birthday girl, who is probably going to be running around playing fairies with her girlie friends?

Original poster
EatingMyHat · 06/07/2016 23:10

Mushrooms
We met at a baby group and all got on well and have had stayed friends. They go to different schools and have different friendship groups. He has only met her friendship group at her birthday parties so yes he may have those concerns (now he is getting older). He and she are totally on the same wave length when it is just the two of them and of course dynamics change in groups.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 06/07/2016 23:10

He's a 6 year old boy who doesn't want to go to a fairy themed party, presumably dressed as a fairy.
Totally normal and YWBU to make him.
The girls mum is being U to say he was mean, he's fucking 6!

mushroomsontoast · 06/07/2016 23:17

In that case I think that might play a part... For example my DD has happily been to football parties etc for boys ay her school, where she knows everyone and there will be at least a couple of other girls she knows. I can't imagine she would want to go to a football party for, for eg, my friend's little boy, who she plays with quite happily on her own but doesn't know any of his friends.

Original poster
EatingMyHat · 06/07/2016 23:30

Thank you mushrooms you have something there I think
manina thank you too.
Sorry to not to namecheck everyone who has contributed.

F* knows exactly what I could have said that would not have had the same end result though. Really did not want to loose our friends :(
Diplomacy fail for me.

OP posts:
LilacInn · 06/07/2016 23:36

"As it turns out my husband had made other plans for us that day"
(even if those plans were sitting on sofa watching TV)

"My mistake, DS won't be able to come to the party - but thanks so much for thinking of him!"

Even something like "DS is a bit funny these days about boy-girl parties.." would have been better than insulting her theme.

Justbeingnosey123 · 06/07/2016 23:49

Problem with white lies and 6yr olds is would he of landed you in it later lol
It is a hard thing to know and a lot does depend on the closeness of the friendship, I'd always rather honest but I know not everyone feels like that. I'm personally with those who think that if you could of persuaded him and he'd have been happy it would have been nice to go. However If his the type who would of maybe sulked or said something that may have upset the birthday girl you were right to keep him away.

TeaPleaseLouise · 07/07/2016 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VashtaNerada · 07/07/2016 00:11

I'd probably be a bit cross with DS for being so silly - most parties are the same regardless of the theme (plus there are BOY FAIRIES). But ultimately I wouldn't force him to go to a party he really didn't want to go to. I would have lied though and told the party mum there was an unexpected clash with something else, seems a bit rude to say he didn't fancy the party.

Lindt70Percent · 07/07/2016 07:52

She's being unreasonable and I say this as someone who's daughter had a swimming party (big inflatable in the pool, hosepipes aimed at them etc.) aged 9 and had at least 3 friends opt out because they didn't like swimming. My daughter didn't like swimming either but did like this sort of activity but we could understand it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea.

I don't understand why you'd want someone at your party who would be uncomfortable being there, no matter what age they are.

She said he could be replaced if he didn't want to go so made it sound like she'd understand if it wasn't her think so why is she now saying he's being really mean? He's even said he'd rather do something on their own. He sounds lovely!

MLGs · 07/07/2016 08:14

I wouldn't care if I was the party mum. You usually hope some will say no , and what's the point forcing kids to go to parties .

That said it would be nice for him to go if the friend (I.e. the party child) really wants him there, but not if it's just the mum who cares .

MLGs · 07/07/2016 08:15

I had a pirate party for DD when she was 4 and she was massively into

claraschu · 07/07/2016 08:18

Quite a few kids seem to be blissfully unaware of party "themes" at this age. They would just think "My friend's party..."

Sometimes I think the whole idea of a theme is something which is pushed on the kids by the parents. My kids never asked for the right napkins, face paints, decorations, etc, because I wasn't that way inclined.

Maybe your son feels like he doesn't know his friend that well any more.

If I were in your position, I would have phrased my excuse as: "DS seems really anxious about the party- I am really sorry. I think maybe he is worried about being in a big group of children he doesn't know very well.. He's tired at the end of term and will probably want to go to your party in a month, but at the moment I am really sorry he seems insecure about this..."

MLGs · 07/07/2016 08:19

Sorry - massively into pirates. But I made it clear fancy dress was optional and kids could come as what they liked. We had lots of princesses and at least one buzz lightyear.

Agree with poster who said there are always a couple of spidermen at any small kids party.

At 6 you are at the very tail end of this pirates/princesses/ fairies stuff anyway.

averythinline · 07/07/2016 08:27

FFS - if your friendship is over because your ds age 6 does not want to go to a party where he will probably only know the birthday girl and you have given a months notice she is no friend - its v bridezilla like - I would be tempted to ask if she's on glue !

as you said it was an invitation not a summons - if you had time you may have been able to slightly sweeten the response but massive over reaction on her part as she was hassling you for a response..

Only1scoop · 07/07/2016 08:32

I think it sounds in your Op as if she ran the date by you to check you were available before she booked it.

Goodness knows why unless they are best buddies

sleeponeday · 07/07/2016 16:34

Does the little girl have problems with school at the moment? I can imagine, if she does, that your son's presence may be very important to her... and her mum. She may not have that high an uptake of the invitations. Perhaps that's why her mother is so upset?

My son's best friend is a girl and she came to his Star Wars cinema party even though she hates Star Wars. Similarly my son went to her Pop Star party even though he's autistic and ended up sitting on my lap in total overload from all the music. They aren't at school together and I know there have been times when the other is especially important because they have been a bulwark against feeling they have little to offer socially.

I'm not saying the mother's response is okay. I don't think it is. But I think parties bring out the insecure in an awful lot of mothers and children, and also the mother-defending-her-cubs instinct. If it was important enough that they saved the date with you first, then his presence must mean a lot to them.

Could you maybe talk over with your son that she seems hurt he doesn't want to go, and that he doesn't have to join in the fairies theme if he goes - just be there for his friend? That's a life lesson worth learning, after all.

I do think your friend should apologise for calling him mean though. If he does agree to go then I'd text back saying that you explained to him that he might hurt his friend if he said no so he now wants to because he would hate to upset her, but that calling a 6 year old mean for not being into fairies isn't kind itself. If she still flounces then you've had your own tip-off on her worth as a friend. Hopefully, she will see your point.

It's very hard when you are friends with the mother of a friend of your child's. I lost several when my son started primary and his autism began to be apparent - before then it wasn't, because all toddlers are pretty weird and he is very loving and kind plus exceptionally bright. A lot of his best friends began to bully him brutally and you can't stay friends with mothers when their kids do that - how can you tell them what their kids are doing, and why you won't be having playdates any more, and remain their friend? Thankfully he's not bullied at his current school so it's not an issue, but I do remember how tortured the whole thing can be. I hope you have a happier ending (I didn't say anything; just stopped being friends via slow fade and sudden extreme busyness. But it was still very hard.)

DeathStare · 07/07/2016 18:09

I have a big birthday coming up and I'd like to get my friends together and go for an Italian. If one of my friends doesn't like Italian I hope he/she sucks it up, remembers it's my birthday and not theirs and comes along and makes the most of it.

If my friend turned round and said "I'm not coming because I don't like Italian but I'll celebrate your birthday another day with you by going to the cinema" I'd want to tell them where to stick it (though I'd probably be too polite). It's my birthday, not theirs, and I want to celebrate with a group of friends for an Italian, not just me and one friend at the cinema.

For other people's birthdays I've done numerous activities that I hate because it's their day and their choice. Children need to learn that the world doesn't always revolve around them and sometimes you have to suck it up for the people you care about. You just missed the opportunity to teach your son a valuable life lesson and the message to your friend was that on her DD's birthday your DS's feelings were just as important as her DD's. I completely get why she's upset.

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