Turning down a party invitation (age 6)

[EatingMyHat]

DS age 6 has been invited to a Fairy party for a friends birthday. Has been buddies with the little girl since babyhood. I had previously told the party girls mother I thought he would want to go.

Turns out when he got the invite in the post this week he did not fancy it at all. The Fairy part put him right off, he said he'd rather do something different just the two of them.

There is a month before the party and party girl's mum has already said he can be replaced if he doesn't want to come.

I let party girls mum know his suggestion and she says my DS is being really mean.

I thought he was being fairy nuff fair enough as if a friend of mine was having a boozy party for example I'd decline an invitation and suggest something we'd both enjoy a different time, since boozy parties are not my thing.

I have had a shit week for unrelated reasons and can't think straight. WhoIBU?

Yanbu. The other child's mum is.

This is one of those really tricky gender divide nature/nurture feminism debates just waiting in the wings, isn't it?

Because, let's face it, if my DD was invited to Harry's football party, she'd be game for it. Even if she didn't really like football, what's the harm in spending an hour kicking a ball around a field, then having some food with your friends?
Superhero party? "Oh she just decided to come as Princess glitter because she likes dressing up"....all good.

But, when do you ever see boys who are chuffed to go to a fairy party? except on MN where every third poster claims to have a boy who is free to be themselves and wears dresses to preschool every day. In most primary school year 1 classes, you won't find many. A 'fairies and pirates' party: no problem.

If your friend wants you DS to come, she needs to widen the scope. But I also think it's bad to turn down an invitation because you don't fancy the activity...

You've been honest, good for you. My son wouldn't want to go to a fairy party either

Dd recently had a princess party but as she was inviting boys and girls I did princess and Knights.
Boys came dressed as Knights and altho everything was pink I bought some knight plates and they were happy!

They still played the same games, the venue was a neutral soft play it just meant that the boys weren't alienated.
Seems odd she hasn't thought about that.
Yanbu

He doesn't have to dress as a fairy that wouldn't be my dd 'thing' either (same age) but she'd go as something else or not dress up to enjoy her friends party.

I do think it's a bit off

I guess though if your ds has a party and a handful of his close friends say thanks but no thanks it's not our 'thing' you'll be really accepting and understanding.

Are there any other boys going or is he the only one?

I have to admit that Satan would have been ice-skating in Hell before my boys would have willingly gone to a fairy-themed birthday party. Really not their thing and I wouldn't have forced them to go. Parties are supposed to be fun, not something to be endured.

There was a thread recently about a surprise party (for adults) that was fancy dress. I think 70% of people said they wouldn't go. Why should children be made to go to a party they don't want to?

Read Artemis Fowl. Totally different take on fairies.

Thanks for the different perspectives, that has been helpful. I was not trying to offend but can now see how it may have seemed rude (though I do think a months notice and an offer of an alternative meet up compensate for that.)

Yes people parent differently but I think there are enough compulsions on a 6 year olds life without parties being one of them. If I had for a minute known how important that this was to her or thought he was a primary friend, I would have tried to encourage him but at the end of the day the invite was posted addressed to him, he opened it and read about Fairy parties and fairy rides and the rest is history.

Not sure I'd say my child didn't want to go, that's a bit hurtful. Why couldn't you have just said you'd got something else to do.

Yes, I agree. It's a bit sad that girls are expected to accomdate boy themed parties but not the other way around.

I would never force a 6 year old to do something either but they also just don't have all the facts and dont' understnd that a theme is just the colours around a party and that the party is really just about htem and their friends getting together to have fun. A bit sad that parents arent bothering to teach that to their kids. I guess Christmas is just about what Father Christams brings too. (sigh) cant believe I went there

I think this is a time for a white lie. By "being honest" you/your DS risks coming across at turning up his nose at the event. Better to just decline the invite with no reason or saying a vague "already busy"/can't make the date. I think this is much kinder to the host (and therefore more polite) than saying the child doesn't fancy it and can we sort out another meet.

Rose thanks for the book recommendation I will look that up.

I think I'd be making more if an effort to oppose the idea that boys can't play fairy games tbh.

The problem with including a 'boy' option in the theme is it buys into the idea that boys would be humiliated to do play 'girls' games, reinforcing the idea that boys are superior.

There is such a thing as social finesse and it is seldom compatible with bald honesty.

Not attending is fine but there is no reason to criticize the host's arrangements in declining. Your son isn't going to have much of a future social life if he feels free to openly snub a host's offerings. The white lie of "we already had something planned for that day, but thank you so much for the kind invitation," has long been a staple lubricant of friendship and social interaction. Tact goes a long way.

Also, if you are going to let the child have a say in whether or to attend, don't tell the mother he is "available" before you check with him. If you are unilaterally going to say he is available on X date, don't give him veto power. Retracting your acceptance of the invitation is pretty crass and I don't blame the other mother for being a bit miffed.

by thte way, you said in OP that they've known each other since babies so I assumed they were primary friends (or close friends) in which case I really do think I'd have encourage him to go. If it's just some girl in his class though then white lie would be the way to go. But why say you didn't want to go because you didnt like the spread??

I think the 'alternative' think is a bit crappy to be honest

No he doesn't want to come to your DC party but they can do something different together instead another time....

Makes it almost sound a bit up yourselves if I'm honest

Y were NBU and I would have politely told the truth too. If the girls Mum has taken offence then that's her problem. I wouldn't worry about it.

If I'm right OP said the mother issuing the invitation said OP's DS could be replaced at the party, which was an hour away. Then when OP said he wasn't keen to go, the mother was distinctly unhappy and friendships between DS and other mother's DD are now strained as are the parents'..

Given the other mother's initial indication, OP INBU.

Why do people do these highly gendered things? My DD would not have wanted to go to a Fairies/Frozen party but would have gone to something which allowed her to be an animal, knight, dragon (Lord Forbid, think of the costume) or whatever. Or just a party. With food and games. At a village hall or swimming pool if there wasn't enough room in the house for 12 6 year olds. If doing Frozen or Fairies, isn't there room enough to suggest other characters for those who might not like it?

yes I would have made her go to a local party but not an hour's drive away with no escape route from pink and tinsel.

he is not being mean, but you are! You don't say negative things about a child's choice of party! What were you thinking?

you had two decent options:

• turn it down, without criticising the child's choice of theme, make an excuse or just RSVP "thanks but won't be able to come"

OR (and what I'ld do)

• explain that the party is about having fun with your friend, its her turn to chose theme, on your birthday you chose theme

A fairy party isn't a "gendered thing"
In J.M.Barrie's Peter Pan there were girl fairies, boy fairies, and gender neutral/fluid fairies

I agree with mumhum and Pearlman.

The party is about what the child whos' birthday it is. Not about your child.
There's lots of life lessons e.g. generous natured, respect and support your friends wishes, celebrate them on their special occasions.

The other mum phrased it badly - but its really not about your childs' wants and needs. A friend is a friend. Its her birthday. She wants him to come.

Your example of a drinking party, isn't' a like for like as you are talking about a meet up. Not a life event for the other person.

You can dress him as a boy fairiy/pixie/elf easily enough (and I bet he'd look adorable - that might not change his mind actually!). It depends if he'd go and have fun or go and not enjoy it (or sulk).

There are loads of male fairies/elves/pixies in stories if you wanted to try to persuade him. But no, he doesn't have to go.

...but it would be nice for his friend if he did go.