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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I overstepped the mark with this very personal present?

111 replies

JasmineBuckles · 06/07/2016 17:07

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, we have a really great relationship, live together, talking about kids etc.

His dad died about 5 years ago, and the only things he's got of his dad's are 4 ties from the 70's. Everything else his dad's second wife got.

He showed me these ties about 6 months ago, talked about framing them, then put them back in a plastic bag in a box of junk where they've been ever since.

Today I got them out in secret and took them to a specialist framers for unusual items, put them into pairs and chose mounts and frames and paid for them up front. They'll tie them in Windsor knots and pin them all nicely, they've done sashes and medals for me in the past.

We have really similar taste, so I know he will like what I've chosen, it goes with the house etc but now I'm panicking in case I've done something that is too personal, or overstepped the mark. I deliberately left it six months in case he wanted to do it himself, but he hasn't and I thought I'd surprise him.

Have I been unreasonable in taking it upon myself to do this really personal thing?

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 06/07/2016 18:17

I think it sound lovely. They've been sat in a plastic bag for 5 years

notapizzaeater · 06/07/2016 18:26

Aww that's such a lovely thing to do.

Please do update us and let us know if he liked them. My DH would burst nn to tears

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/07/2016 18:30

I think it's a lovely idea and word love it if someone did something like that for me.

sidsgranny · 06/07/2016 18:57

I think it's a lovely idea, BUT:

My husband and I own a specialist framers and frame many many fabric items. We have had some really horror stories in for re-framing where the framer has used tapes and glues that have cause irreparable damage to the item. Please please check that no glues and tapes are being used and that anything that is done is fully reversible, ie/ if you partner wants to remove the ties at any point and where them they will be in exactly the same condition as they went into the frame.

Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 06/07/2016 23:26

He is currently snoring beside me, I am awake worrying whether I've done the right thing.

To answer some previous posters, I have told the framers the story, impressed upon them the need for the ties to be removable from the frames in the same condition, and we did a half-hour consultation on colours and frames.

I am going to see the initial framing on Friday, where nothing is fixed yet and I can change anything I like, from size or proportion, to colour of frame and background.

I so want him to love it.

OP posts:
whatamockerywemake · 06/07/2016 23:40

That's absolutely lovely and I'm sure he'll appreciate you. If he doesn't propose to you on the spot, I'll marry you!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 06/07/2016 23:40

Can't you take him with you for that?

MumOnACornishFarm · 06/07/2016 23:43

I think it's a lovely gesture OP. Very thoughtful and considerate. It sounds like you know him very well, so I think you should try not to worry. I'm sure he'll be very touched.

Fishface77 · 06/07/2016 23:54

Aw that's lovely op!
When are you giving it?
Let us know how it's received!

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/07/2016 23:58

It sounds like you have been very careful to make sure the ties will be none the worse for the experience if he decides against it, which is brilliant.

I would hesitantly say that he might initially get sad/angry (with the sad stage not really visible) because it could make him feel very emotional and he might not be ready on the spur of the moment to deal with that. So don't worry if his initial reaction is a bit subdued. Sometimes people take a while to work out how they feel about things Thanks

Thissameearth · 06/07/2016 23:59

The idea is nice but....for me and for my partner it would be unwanted. Even the idea of taking away the ties and giving them to an unknown to "process" would, I think, make me feel like they'd been changed somehow or something had been lost. Before you took them, the last hands to tie them had been his father's, they would maybe retain some smell of him. That can't be undone and I would be really upset although would try to be polite about it. Separate to that, I would like it to be a sort of tribute to the person - it's not about the style your partner likes, or whether it goes with your decor, it's whether it fits his father and the memory he has of him and you won't know that. Flowers

LucyBabs · 07/07/2016 00:13

I appear to have something in my eye Sad

My parents died almost 4 years ago within four months of each other.

My parents were cremated and me and my siblings still haven't got round to having their ashes intered. It's so hard.

I would honestly be so moved if my dp did this for me. Wow how thoughtful and lovely of you Jasmine

Religieuse · 07/07/2016 00:22

What thissameearth said. I can appreciate its a well-meant gesture, but it's not about your DP's aesthetic taste, or whether he likes the mount or whether it goes with the wallpaper, it's his memories and his sole physical possessions of his father. You may think the ties were being neglected or forgotten in their plastic junk box, but it's possible that for your DP they were just private..?

VioletBam · 07/07/2016 00:27

I would love it OP. It's lovely. You've done it for him and he will be pleased I bet.

Scarecrow2016 · 07/07/2016 00:35

I would tell your partner of your intentions and involve him on Friday so that he can touch them again before the frame is sealed and let him be involved in choosing the mount etc.

It may be that he turns round and says he's happy for you to choose on your own but I would check first.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 07/07/2016 00:51

That's a lovely thing to do OP. I don't have a picture of me or my brother with our dad. There are very few pictures of him and none of us with him as a young baby. I've always wondered if it would be possible to create a picture that looks natural and not photoshopped. I think my brother would appreciate it.

GingerLDN · 07/07/2016 13:55

It's a lovely thing to do for him. I think you're overthinking. Your first instinct must have surely been that he'd love it, or you wouldn't have done it!

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 07/07/2016 14:12

You know what. I have some of my dad's stuff that's still in the loft. Personal writing things. I want it all putting in folders in chronological order. If my H arranged for that to be done for me and presented as a gift in a beautiful way I'd be delighted. I've not done it because it's too emotive for me but for someone to make sure these things were preserved properly for me is think they were amazing.

You know your partner. You know deep down whether he will appreciate it. If you have doubts tell him now and let him be part of the finalisation meeting. If not then keep it a surprise.

I think it's a lovely thing to do.

ToastyFingers · 07/07/2016 15:13

I think it's a very kind, thoughtful thing to do, and hopefully he'll be really pleased,

BUT,
You have only been together for a year. If you were to break up at some point, would the ties hold a different sort of significance for him, having had them become a gift from an 'ex'.

My partners dad died before I met him, and while your (very lovely, BTW) idea would be appreciated now, 10 years and 2 kids down the line, I think it may have felt a bit too much too soon a year in. Only you know if that's the case for relationship though.

londonrach · 07/07/2016 15:18

WhAt a lovely thoughtful present. Op i suspect dp might well burst into tears and propose on the spot. I do love happy stories. Please update x 😍

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/07/2016 15:18

I think it is a lovely thing to do

BUT

I can understand why you are worrying as we can never truly know how someone will react to things.

I very much hope that he is delighted with his thoughtful gift.

Mummaaaaaah · 08/07/2016 19:36

you've been with him a full year so presume you know him well enough to know whether he's going to be amazingly grateful and touched, or feel you've wandered into his space / territory. As you did this in the first place, I'd back your initial instinct that he would love it and just hadn't gotten round to it. However, when you give the gift, def do in private and I agree, caveat with a "no pressure to put them up / in your own time" comment so he feels he has control over that element. Keep us posted!

purplefox · 08/07/2016 19:43

I was holding my breath hoping you hadn't had them cut up & sewn into a cushion or something

This.

It's a lovely idea, and something he said he wanted to do so I don't see how you've overstepped the mark.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/07/2016 19:46

I think it's lovely. Really touching.

BringMeTea · 08/07/2016 19:51

Very thoughtful. If by any chance he doesn't like it you have done nothing wrong at all. He can remove them. Literally no harm done.

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