The CMS has been trying to contact exP for the past week and it appears he has been avoiding the calls. He wants to come to an arrangement between ourselves and is laying on the guilt.
Yesterday's text states :
"I am still bewildered why money has become such an urgent issue, as despite happily discussing DS's progress together recently, you have not raised any financial matters with me either when we have spoken, or by text/what's app. And you also wrote to my mum and me, and in your note said that the gift vouchers she and my dad, and I, sent to DS were being saved for the future, as other people had bought all the things he needs for now" [exP sent £50 voucher on birth.]
"But more than that, I really do not understand why you have decided to use official agencies/3rd party organisations to communicate with me about issues as important as future support arrangements for DS. I deal with CMS cases regularly in my working life. In my experience, the CMS process is bureaucratic, distressing to BOTH parties involved, and causes mistrust and further breakdowns in what are often already strained relationships. The real day to day support and care needs of the child get lost in the process, which can be very inhumane and adversarial, and this is not what I would want for DS.
The CMS strongly recommends parents talking and working through things together to avoid this happening, and I fail to understand why you refuse to have a normal conversation with me about DS's needs. If you or I are not satisfied with the outcome of that conversation, then we can involve the CMS, IF NEEDED, at a later stage. Couples coming to a joint agreement between themselves about what is in the best interest of the child is what the CMS itself recommends, and it is certainly the best way forward for the child. I can assure you, from my learned experience of many other families, that neither you nor I will find the CMS experience a happy one, and it is a process which does very little to address DS's real needs. Please, allow us to work things out openly and honestly, between ourselves, as adults, as this is what is in DS's best interests.
You will, I know, remember that I have always been more than generous to you financially in the past - often to my own detriment - and it is in that spirit that we would be working out arrangements for DS which we can discuss and review, as most parents in our situation manage to do, as and when the need arises.
I am very concerned that you want outside organisations, lawyers and 3rd parties to be deciding future care and support arrangements for DS. It is something that engenders distrust, and a lack of openness, and is absolutely not in his best interests. It is already incredibly hard for me to have much input into his life, given that you have taken the decision to give birth and bring him up 500 miles away in Scotland. As a result of that decision, I will be a stranger rather than a father to him, which will be very difficult and distressing for a young child to understand. So, I hope you will appreciate that it is going to be impossible for me to have any meaningful input into his life at all, if we have to conduct important decisions and future communications about him in this manner.
Most families and people in our situation work these matters through, and I would urge you, for DS's sake to please consider what I have said. Let's put his interests first, and work out his care and support needs ourselves. This is about DS and his future, and I really want us to work together to do the right thing by him. I hope you want to put his best interests first too."
Now - I did not discuss maintenance with exP directly because I do not trust him and I did not want to have to 'ask' for money.
I am not keen on an arrangement where everything I need to buy for DS results in a begging conversation to exP where I have to justify every penny.
While I am not in desperate need of cash right now, I will need money when my maternity pay stops. Anything I receive before this point I can save for future expenses.
When we were together my exP was financially generous, but as soon as we split up he didn't bat an eyelid when I had to stay in hostel accommodation at 7 months pregnant because he 'needed' to use the flat (despite him having family he could stay with). Items he had bought me as gifts he removed from the flat when I was at work.
He has shown little interest in DS since I left him so this sudden engagement re his needs etc is so obviously less about DS and more about him trying to get away with paying less than the CMS has calculated.
He has two massive dogs which cost him at least £500 a month on insurance, food and day-care - no problem.
His message implies that if I go down the CMS route I won't be acting in DS's best interests.
I never want to be in a position where exP can say - you didn't want to cooperate etc. And use that to justify him being an absent father/prick etc.
Would be grateful of any suggestions of things I can say in response?