To ask ex for child maintainence

[msatlantis]

I separated from my ex P in January, half way through my pregnancy. He was emotionally abusive, I couldn't take any more, and I didn't want my baby growing up to the tune of his mood swings and viewing his behaviour as the norm.

We lived together in London (his flat). When we split up I stayed in the flat for a bit only when he didn't need it (though he still insisted I still paid toward it as I had been doing). When he needed to stay at the flat I had to find myself temporary accommodation (awful in third trimester of pregnancy.) When my maternity leave commenced I moved to Edinburgh - my family are here and offered support, I also own a property here. I would have been completely on my own had I stayed in London, with ex-P perhaps dropping in when convenient for him to see baby. Ex-P was not happy about me moving to Edinburgh. Said I was making it 'impossible' for him to have a relationship with his child. I understand moving 500 miles away from baby's dad was not ideal, but I needed the support of my family and he had behaved badly toward me. I may have to return to London when my maternity leave finishes in any event.

DS was born in May. Ex-P has not seen him, though I have not put up any barrier to this. Actually, I'm sad for my DS that he hasn't visited. I had to register the birth myself. Since the birth we have had one phone-call. The call was civilised but ex-P made no mention of contributing toward his son's upkeep.

Following the call I applied to the CMS to calculate child maintainence. I didn't want to have the conversation with ex-P as I had a feeling I'd be made to feel bad/unreasonable for asking for money and if ex-P did agree to contribute there's no way he would willingly agree to pay the amount the CMS calculated he should be paying (£750 per month). The amount the CMS calculated is based on ex-P's salary which is about £100k p/a.

Today ex-P has text to say he is 'most disappointed/surprised' to have received a letter from CMS. And that if I 'need/want money we can easily resolve it between ourselves'. He then says: 'it would be better for all concerned to deal with things in an open and above board way and to talk like adults. This is a very disappointing way to conduct our engagement over very difficult and important issues, but I am happy to keep things official from now on if that is what you have decided?'

I don't know how to respond. His text makes me feel bad. I'd think I'd rather keep things amicable, but I know in doing so ex-P will not agree to pay the same amount calculated by the CMS. The amount will also not be subject to any annual review. I also don't need the money right now, but I will do when my maternity pay stops and certainly when I return to work as I will need a full time nanny.

Have I been unreasonable in applying directly to the CMS? And would I be acting unreasonably in continuing to go through the official CMS channel rather than trying to reach and agreement with ex-P? I don't know what to do and how to respond to his message.

Thanks all. I think I am doing the right thing in using CMS. I suppose I just feel a bit guilty given that ex-P does not have easy access to DS even if he wanted to see him and that I don't 'need' the money right now. But as you say, any money I don't need now can be saved as no doubt it will be needed in future. And given ex-P's past behaviour he should be the one feeling guilty, not me. His behaviour is the reason the CMS is involved and that me and DS are 500 miles away.

I absolutely don't trust him not to give me a raw deal if CMS isn't used.

I just got the feeling there was something nasty/threatening brewing below his last line about keeping things official. I worry what he might try and do... Can he do anything?

I remember your last thread. You couldn't trust him then and you can't trust him now. Keep it all official.

Good luck to you and your baby.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by involving the CMS. When my ex left me and my 8 week old DS I stupidly agreed to negotiate payments between ourselves. He used it as a means of controlling me and would vary how much money he gave me depending on what mood he was in. In the end I gained the courage to apply directly to the CSA as is was then and it took the control totally out of his hands. He hated being told what to do by the agency but it's been great as he has cannot control me financially anymore. Please don't back down, this is only way of sorting maintenance with abusive men.

Yes, there might be a threat in it, I thought the same, but he's going to use that threat whether you go to the CMS or not.

It might be to say that he wants custody arrangements agreed legally, fine. It night be that he wants you to do the travelling. Whatever it is, you'll have to face it and argue it out at some point, so may as well a) get CM and use it to get yourself legal representation, and b) get whatever "it" is agreed up front so it can be managed.

Don't worry about it. It will be fine and no judge will make you take weekly trips down to London with your DC to see a dad that never bothered to come and see the baby.

That text was pure manipulation.

This wasn't the life you planned for yourself or your baby. He's trying to make you feel apologetic for moving away, for not still being with him, for asking for a single thing for your baby. If he hadn't been abusive you'd still be together. He did this.

He had 3 months to pay towards his child's needs. He showed you he's still the same man you left. He's had 3 months to visit. What's his excuse? He can't afford it on £100k pa? He doesn't have the time to fly all the way to Edinburgh? Pah!

The reason he's gone to the effort of trying to make you feel like you're not being 'adult' or 'above board' is because he doesnt want to have to pay regular maintenance. He wants you to feel like you have to keep in his good books if you want him to pay his share.

You don't have to justify to him or to yourself why he should pay maintenance. It's the law. Is anyone asking whether or not you should contribute to your DS's upbringing? Why is the starting point that you cover 100% the cost of his upbringing, do 100% of childcare, take maternity leave (and the hit now to your salary and the potential hit to your career progression)? And he wants you to ask him if you want or need money!

OurBlanche's text is spot on.

He never, not once during your pregnancy, nor once HIS son was born, approached YOU to offer any money. It was fair then for you to apply via CMS.

I would reply simply saying: due to lack of initiation on his part to organise financial contributions for his son, you took steps yourself to organise it. At any point in the last X months he could have done so.

Yes, there might be a threat in it, I thought the same, but he's going to use that threat whether you go to the CMS or not.

Absolutely. The worst think you can do with threats is give into them. Same as blackmail.

I might consider getting some prophylactic legal advice about child arrangements, though. Just to be prepared in case.

If he's on 100k he could rent or buy a studio flat and fly to see his baby every weekend.
I know it's not a fortune, but it's certainly enough.

Don't ever trust someone who has abused you. Any informal arrangements are just likely to be used to annoy you, and get him out of contributing fairly towards his child.

Hmm I don't know what he could be threatening. You know him best. His reference to 'keeping things official' could be anything from making you do a paternity test to going to court over contact.

If the latter, make sure you have a paper trail of the fact that you've been supportive of him having contact. Keep communication in writing - better for keeping the manipulation to a minimum too.

He's a bully and as hard as it is, standing up to him will be best in the long run. Going to the CMS is an excellent first step

The baby was born in May and it's now July. He's had nearly 2 months to sort maintenance out between the 2 of you and has chosen to ignore his financial responsibility.

Don't feel guilty or bad, you didn't need someone to tell you that you have to financially support your son - you just do it because you're an adult who understands that it's part of your job as a parent. Stay strong

I just got the feeling there was something nasty/threatening brewing below his last line about keeping things official. I worry what he might try and do... Can he do anything?

It read like a dark hint about child contact/custody legal action to me.

Probably bluster anyway and the court will decide in the best interest of the baby if it ever comes to that, so you have very little to fear from the outcome considering you and baby are Edinburgh residents and 'dad' CBA to do any dadding so far.

FGS stay up there, though.

He sounds like one of those wankers who thinks ( or pretends to think) that if he gives the family court a nod they will instruct you to return to London for his convenience.

I remember your previous posts. I doubt very much he's changed enough in a couple of months to now be totally amenable!

Don't feel bad. He's has months to listen to you, change his behaviour and he didn't. He doesn't get to act all hard done by now.

Just ignore him.

There is nothing he can do about the fact that you have moved 500 miles away. My ex saw a solicitor to see if he could stop me moving 300 miles back to my family, the upshot is no, if you moved just to put distance between you and there was no family then yes he would have a case, but because you have moved for family support then no. (Not sure on access though and travel arrangements for contact might have to be shared). As for the cms, that is a minimum payment only, you might want to remind him off that :)

Thanks for your responses and support everyone. I have composed a short, firm response.
It is so difficult dealing with a bully and a manipulator.
X

He can afford flights to Edinburgh every weekend on 100k if he wants to!

Do not feel bad. He should feel ashamed for not offering support already. He should feel ashamed for not already making the trip to visit his son.

You have don't nothing to feel bad about and don't give him headspace. Focus on your beautiful baby and those lovely snuggles. Let the agency sort out maintenance. That is what they are there for.

I too remember your previous thread. You should feel very proud of yourself. Many women don't leave and put up with it, their children suffering as a result. Well done.

I'm assuming the baby was born after you moved? If so, I don't think you could be forced to move as Edinburgh would be baby's habitual place of residence.

If possible, I'd think about looking for a job where you are now.

Sounds like I'm a bit late to the thread here.

Personally i would advise a bit of caution. Only you would know how your ex will respond to the CMS demands and/or if you can trust he will stick to a voluntary arrangement.

As an ex-single parent with lots of experience in this sort of thing, I would much rather get £600 a month off him regular as clockwork under a private arrangement than be awarded £750 and get that once in a blue moon.

As I'm sure many people have experienced. When push comes to shove, the CSA/CMEC/CMS or whatever they're called this week are about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

Good grief that text has me raging.
What a condescending twat of a man.
But then he always was.

I remember you and I'm glad you are going down the official route with this.
He would just use it as another stick to beat you with if it wasn't done correctly.
He can threaten all he likes.
You can show and prove how often he has visited his DC.
i.e. Never!
He's a feckin' coward anyway so don't worry about that too much.
A quick short reply is exactly the way to go.
Ensure it is closed and he has no come back.
If he starts then pass the phone over to a friend/relative for a while so they can bat off the crap from him.

Congratulations on your DS.
Well done and KOKO!

Yadnbu at all

He's trying to manipulate you and keep controlling you

Just keep future communication factual, don't let him know he's getting to you, don't apologise for doing this or be drawn into explaining why you have.

I remember your last thread - he was hideous and I'm very relieved you're still in Edinburgh!

And I agree with going the official route 1000%. This guy is not your friend.

Tell him you must have missed the text when he offered to support his child financially if in no other way. It's been two months, he's had more than enough time to sort it himself. He clearly wasn't going to.

No YANBU, don't be bullied x