I'm so upset with dh

[Namechangenora40]

It's my birthday tomorrow but we decided to celebrate yesterday due to kids being at school and him being at work.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant so I know I'm being very hormonal.

On Friday dh picked the kids up from school and took them into town to chose my birthday present. He bought me a scarf and a £10 voucher for SuperDrug. He gave me these on Saturday unwrapped.
The dc were worried and upset as they didn't get me anything. He was literally in town for 20 mins. He said he would take them sainsburys to get me a box of chocolates today.

Today has came, and he's made so many excuses to get out of going, asking me "what do you actually need from sainsburys" making me feel like he doesn't want to go. So I told him not to bother, took myself to the toilet and cried.

I'm so hurt. I made such an effort with his birthday with the little money I have. We bought balloons, cake and everything. I feel like no effort has been put in what so ever. We went for lunch yesterday but I had to go halves. Even though I paid for his birthday meal and Father's Day meal.

I really don't understand why he's been like this, every year he's made such an effort on my birthdays, Xmas and Mother's Day. I felt like a princess last year.

I ended up walking out with the kids and hobbled to town (I have extremely bad spd). I managed to give the kids £10 each so they could buy me something which they loved doing, which he could have easily done on Friday! I texted him if he could pick me up and he said no. So I had to pay for a taxi home as I couldn't physically move from a bench because of my hips.

I'm so angry and hurt. I just wanted to feel appreciated. 😪

[WorraLiberty]

Grey, the op says I really don't understand why he's been like this, every year he's made such an effort on my birthdays, Xmas and Mother's Day. I felt like a princess last year.

[Namechangenora40]

GreyHare yes normally he spoils me lol. I feel like a princess normally. Just the past Xmas/Mother's Day/my birthday have been not as much effort as the first few years.

I'm worried he thinks I'm a spoilt bitch. It's not even the presents I'm bothered about, it's the thought and effort that I like

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

That could be it then! You're upset because it's brough back some horrible memories by the sounds of it and also you're 37 weeks pregnant with spd so feeling hormonal and miserable I'd expect. He's maybe frightened and lost his ability to be compassionate. I really hope he's got something up his sleeve for you.

[ImperialBlether]

But how can he think you're a spoilt bitch when you do so much more for him than he does for you?

And why wouldn't he pick you up from town? That's very cruel.

Why do you think he's changed? Is it since you were pregnant?

[JudyCoolibar]

You're going to have to ask him what the problem is. Do it by praising up how lovely he's been in the past so he doesn't have an excuse to say he's being got at.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I get that some people really aren't very good at birthdays. They're not very good at planning or organising and don't know what to get, but your DH sounds shit. A complete lack of effort that shows how little he cares.
The final bit that got me was this:
"I texted him if he could pick me up and he said no"
What the fuck is that all about? Was there an outstanding reason why he couldn't come and pick you up?
Does he not give a shit about you at all?

[BigTroubleInLittleChina]

I've realised after many years that most men don't 'do' celebrations. My DH is clueless. To be honest, I'm not that bothered by them either but the DC's enjoy the occasion.

I now buy my own gifts, wrapping paper and card, which DH then gives to the DC's (as if he bought them) and they wrap and write. They are also old enough to bake, so will do me a birthday cake and put up the now tatty bunting and banners.

[Namechangenora40]

He's upstairs asleep ATM and I'm laid on the sofa after taking paracetamol. I wanted to go to mothercare this morning and when I got home he texted me " are we going mothercare? Need to get some stuff for our baby ;) "

I told him no, because Iv just spent money I haven't got so I can't afford it now.

He used to be so romantic. I don't know where it's gone. It's too late now. He's not got me a cake. On his birthday he came downstairs to candles on a cake and us singing happy birthday. I'm gutted I won't have that 😪

[bitemyarsenic]

Sorry but that's nonsense Big "most" men do make an effort .
Just because your DH is clueless doesn't mean all men are and the op has stated clearly her OP made a huge effort in the past.

[Namechangenora40]

It's now too late for him to get me a cake, the only thing I wanted. He woke up on his birthday to cake, balloons and candles.

[Nanny0gg]

The worse thing that happened was that he didn't come and pick you up.

He's being horrible.

I hope you can have a calm conversation because this isn't sounding good.

[Nanny0gg]

You're going to have to ask him what the problem is. Do it by praising up how lovely he's been in the past so he doesn't have an excuse to say he's being got at.

He's not five...

[Dutchcourage]

op go up stairs and say ' you've really upset me today' and take it from there. It's better than sat down stairs feeling like shit

[happypoobum]

He sounds like a total bastard to me. What was his reason for refusing to come and get you?

[Enkopkaffetak]

Not hormonal and not being unresonable. Hurt and understandably so. Dh forgot my birthday 10 years ago. Even now I can tear up if something causes me to remember. His excuse for being crap at birthdays is always " it wasnt important in my childhood home" I have had to put up with that excuse until THIS YEAR where I can now say " Excuse me mate you have lived with ME for longer than your mother and you KNOW it IS important to me"

He made an effort this year

[positivity123]

YANBU. Go upstairs and tell him how upset you are. It's nothing to do with you being pregnant and hormonal.
Say to him that he's really let you down today and he needs to pull his socks up

[Namechangenora40]

I'm going too,


He asked me what I wanted and I just told him make up. I put all the things I wanted in a basket on SuperDrug (cheapest place!) and he asked me how much it was. I told him. He knew I wanted some foundation which was abit expensive so he said he would buy me that (Estée Lauder). As Iv been living on the little sample pots of it!

I can get myself a miscara or eyeliner from SuperDrug now with the voucher he gave me.

Last year he bought me ghds, a vintage tea set, two dresses, a flower press thing which was lovely, a cook book, and took me to see Darren brown.

For Valentine's Day last year he bought me tickets to see Michael McIntyre which was amazing. This year I didn't even get a card.

[coco1810]

YANBU at all! and a Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow. You really need to tell DH how he has made you feel. On the other hand, my DP is just not very good at birthdays, Christmas etc (although he has got better since DD was born but I suspect my DD tells him what to buy). I now pick a birthday /christmas present for myself from myself. It sounds really sad putting it out there, but it makes me feel better.

[coco1810]

PS sending my sympathy re the SPD. Most awful pain ever!

[londonrach]

How was your birthday op today. Any surprise🎉🎉🎉🎉🍰🍰🍰🎂🎂🎂🎂

[Toofondofcake]

Happy birthday OP sorry to see you had a crap day yesterday hope it was better today.

If not go to supermarket buy a huge cake and sit and eat cake with the kids and make sure your DH knows that he has not been considerate or thoughtful and loving towards you at all.
And just think pretty soon you can have a again

[YouAreMyRain]

He wouldn't give you a lift when you were in pain with SPD? That sounds awful. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Your previous abusive relationship does make you more vulnerable to ending up in a similar situation. Some abusers get worse during a pregnancy. Abuse can take many different forms and just because he is different to your ex doesn't mean he's not abusive, he could be abusive in a different way.

I hope you sort this out and feel pampered now. Good luck with the pregnancy.

Remember to keep your spidey senses alert

[AnnaMarlowe]

Big that's not really true you know. Lots of men are great at celebrations. My DH, Dad, BIL and FIL all are.

[GarlicStake]

Your previous abusive relationship does make you more vulnerable to ending up in a similar situation. Some abusers get worse during a pregnancy. Abuse can take many different forms and just because he is different to your ex doesn't mean he's not abusive, he could be abusive in a different way.

This is worrying me too, nora. Obviously you've got bigger things on your plate at the moment. And I hope he's just failing to cope with the thought of your surgery and living with a new baby - although there's no "just" about that, it's easier to handle than a rapid descent into arseholery!

I'm sorry your birthday was a disappointment, and delighted to hear how well you salvaged it. I hope everything goes smoothly with your section and DC3 turns out to be an easy baby :) Keep communicating with everyone around you, including DH but also friends, family and professionals.

Happy birthday!

[Namechangenora40]

Everything was fine :)

Woke up to a cake, pressents and the kids singing happy birthday. He had to work so didn't really get to do much but mil came for tea and it was lovely.

He really is nothing like my ex. I can not stress that enough. He has never called me a name, never abused me in anyway, etc. He didn't pick me up because I told him to fuck off.

Tbh I feel like im less likely to end up in an abuisve relationship because I know the signs, and I'm less likely to take shit from anyone