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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by what my ds (6) said?

86 replies

allegretto · 03/07/2016 11:54

On holiday at the moment and he saw me in a bikini and said "You look really bad. I don't want you as a mum anymore. I want a pretty mum". Yes, he got told off for cheek but I think he was being honest. It really upset me which I KNOW is ridiculous but I felt like I was back at school.

OP posts:

dibs1973 · 03/07/2016 13:18

Oh my lovely, children unfortunately don't have a sensitivity stopper! I can remember being upset by my sister when she told me my nephew didn't want me to collect him from school because i was fat, size 16 at the time. Think i was doubly hurt because my sister backed him but was also much bigger weight wise herself x

VocationalGoat · 03/07/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollyisalovelyname · 03/07/2016 13:19

My dd2 was devasted, aged 4 , when her then best friend told her she didn't like her freckles. I'm not sure she's over it yet, 16 years later.
A neighbour's child aged 6, told my best friend she had a moustache.
She got it waxed pronto.
They say it as they see it, hurtful or not, sadly.
But young children need to be taught that peoples feelings get hurt and they must be kind.

NowWhat1983 · 03/07/2016 13:21

A 6 yo does NOT get a free pass for saying they dont want their mother anymore as they want a prettier one.

Fucking hell.....6 yo is plenty old enough to be told off for saying such a thing.

Pearlman · 03/07/2016 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

123lekl · 03/07/2016 13:23

I think you need to make it clear it's not an appropriate thing to say but equally I would try (and I know it's hard) not to let it affect your confidence. He's 6 and 6 year olds say strange, tactless and sometimes unkind things. More

as I think you need them

NowWhat1983 · 03/07/2016 13:23

Or say I want to swap for a nicer son who doesnt say mean things....

ChocChocPorridge · 03/07/2016 13:25

Kids do say what they see, but mine attacks me in bed, wobbles my large belly and tells me he loves my wobbly tummy because it's so soft.

There's saying what you see and being nice, and then there's being mean - my 5 year old would not get a pass to say nasty things. Honest fine, intentionally hurtful, no.

redpinkblue · 03/07/2016 13:25

I then I'd be having a conversation about how words ca hurt and ask DS to reflect on a time someone was nasty to him and how he felt

UptownFunk00 · 03/07/2016 13:27

What a nasty child.
3 year old saying it? Not nice but they wouldn't understand but 6? They know what they are saying!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/07/2016 13:28

Far more than cheeky. That's actively nasty. Six year olds might say what they see, but actively saying "I want someone prettier" is cruel. You need to work out where it's come from - has he over heard you insulting yourself? Has someone commented on his appearance at school? Has he overheard someone else commenting on your appearance?

MissHooliesCardigan · 03/07/2016 13:30

Ouch, that must have been horrible for you. I have an 8 year old that tells me fairly regularly that he hates me and that I'm the worst mum in the world. I do think it's quite unusual for a 6 year old to be so focused on appearance and would want to know where he's getting that from. If it was me, I would be having a talk about how it isn't nice to judge people on how they look and how words can really hurt people

UptownFunk00 · 03/07/2016 13:33

I'm glad he apologised.
I'm guessing he learned this behaviour from a friend or tv (personal comments related to looks).

Mind you I'd prefer that than my child saying they wanted a kinder Mummy or something as that would make me think I wasn't kind.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/07/2016 13:33

AtSea Do you actually have children? They are well know for saying awful things, it's pretty much their 'thing'.

We live in a society where beautiful women are prized as the 'best' women, I'd say small children who are soaking in everything they see around them would be very susceptible to that.

Maybe expose him to some feminism for kids? 'Brave' has a pretty good message I think. Can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

bobbinpop · 03/07/2016 13:35

I put on a new (maternity) dress the other day and my DD cried because she hated it so much! Could it be because he's not used to seeing you in a bikini? My DD clearly reacts badly to changes in my appearance :)

Please ignore all pp about your child being ' horrible'. Stupid posts. Of course he isn't. His comment was horrible, but all children say horrible things and it's how we deal with it that matters!

VestalVirgin · 03/07/2016 13:39

I would not be so worried about being told I'm not pretty, but more about the fact that this 6 year old seems to think that "pretty" is an attribute a mother ought to have.

Like, where did he even get that idea?

Perhaps he shouldn't be allowed to watch TV anymore. But of course you cannot isolate him from other children who think that way.

It is bad enough that all the world seems to think a woman ought to be pretty and that lack of prettiness makes a woman worthless, but a mother?

What will be next? Will we be required to look fuckable even after menopause?

VestalVirgin · 03/07/2016 13:48

Maybe expose him to some feminism for kids? 'Brave' has a pretty good message I think. Can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

Problem with 'Brave' is that the women in it are very conventionally pretty.
It is a good movie for girls who have problems with their mothers, but it doesn't do much to fight the notion that women should be pretty.

I cannot even think of something I would recommend to change that kid's ideas on what a mother should be like, as I cannot think of any movie where there's a mother who is not pretty ... Harry Potter maybe? Molly Weasley is, as far as I recall, a normal-looking mother, and valued for her kindness ... but Harry Potter is for children 11 and older, and has its own problems.

MarianneSolong · 03/07/2016 13:48

I don't think bikinis are terribly flattering - even when women approximate to current ideals of a fashionable shape. (It's something about the way they divide bodies into sections. I prefer the look of a well-cut swimsuit.

As a child I can remember being vaguely ashamed of my mother, who did not look like the mothers of my friends. She came from a different ethnic background, and was much more 'frumpy' in terms of the way she dressed.

I don't think I said this to my mother - but I'd argue that these are 'normal' things to think and feel. (I grew up in a less image-obsessed society than the ones we have now.)

It is difficult when children say rejecting things - and if they speak in a way that is unkind they must be told it isn't acceptable.

But it's also good if we can not be too dependent on the silly things children say. At the end of the day it's partners, friends etc who we need to help us feel good about ourselves. Plus a dash of self-acceptance goes a long way.

Original poster

allegretto · 03/07/2016 13:57

A swimsuit would reveal my legs the same as a bikini though, plus it's too hot!

OP posts:

WuTangFlan · 03/07/2016 13:57

"You look really bad." - on it's own could be just a rudely expressed opinion. But the follow up - "I don't want you as a mum anymore.". - sounds more like something the kids say when they are angry and trying to upset you. See also "I hate you", "You're a mean mummy", "I want to live with Grandma" etc, which are usually prompted by not being allowed to do what they want/over-tiredness and so forth. So I would try and ignore the words that he said and try and look at what's upset him which has made him want to take it out on you. Agree he needs to know its not acceptable, but there may be something else going on. Sounds a bit like boundary testing and insecurity from what you say in your second post - insecure in your love for him making him clingy but also on the flipside leading him to test how horrible can he be to you without you rejecting him.

WuTangFlan · 03/07/2016 14:00

I'm not sure he thinks necessarily thinks pretty is an attribute a mother ought to have - he may just have learned it's a good "button" to press to get a strong response... In the same way that DD might say DSs Transformers are stupid, not because she thinks they are, but because she knows he cares about them and it will wind him up.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/07/2016 14:09

Fucking hell, AtSea. Talk about kicking soneone when they're down. I suppose yours are Saints are they.
. Take no bloody notice, All. None of it is your fault. Children really have no filter. We're all familiar with the saying
"kids can be so cruel".
I agree that he is way old enough for a talk on compassion and the importance on considering other people's feelings

PastaLaFeasta · 03/07/2016 14:09

My six year old has been slow to be aware of things like that but has recently, and repeatedly, told me I have a big tummy, she even said her friends had asked if I have a baby in my tummy. The thing is I don't have a particularly large tummy, looks flat in most clothes and my BMI is healthy, albeit top end. I do wear support garments for a spinal injury which aren't flattering.

I remember thinking my mum was large as a child when she was probably a similar size and build. Compared to a skinny six year old a post baby, pear shaped, size 12 woman does look big. And it will be much worse for kids now due to exposure to media images of "perfect" bodies - including surgical and digital enhanced. Wobbles, stretch marks and saggy skin is normal for a mum. Take him to the beach to see all the other various bodies and he'll see his mum is perfectly fine!

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks · 03/07/2016 14:15

Your child is not nasty! Shame on anyone saying that, they obviously don't have children. Anybody that does knows that they'll say something similar to this at some point. He most likely didn't think it through when he said it and like a lot of people here are saying children don't have a sensitivity filter. My DD (5) told me recently that my tummy wobbles. I just explained to her that was because she'd grown in there as had DD2 so it had to stretch a bit. I'd just explain to him that saying those kind of things to people is unkind and could hurt their feelings. You say he's apologised a lot so I'm thinking you've got the message through. They do come away with a lot of things from other children at school as well as I've learned this past year with DD1. Maybe he picked something up there.

MarianneSolong · 03/07/2016 14:24

A swimsuit would reveal my legs the same as a bikini though, plus it's too hot!

I just don't 'do' bikinis. I have a swimsuit for swimming. Bikinis tend to be useless for real swimming.

I'm not a great one for sunbathing and hate the way I have to put suncream everywhere if wearing very little. (I'm fair-skinned.) So tend to wear a sleeveless top and shorts if it's really hot. Or often stuff like loose light clothing that covers everything so I don't worry about burning - plus a big hat. And sit in the semi-shade.

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