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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by what my ds (6) said?

86 replies

allegretto · 03/07/2016 11:54

On holiday at the moment and he saw me in a bikini and said "You look really bad. I don't want you as a mum anymore. I want a pretty mum". Yes, he got told off for cheek but I think he was being honest. It really upset me which I KNOW is ridiculous but I felt like I was back at school.

OP posts:

TheyOnceSaid · 03/07/2016 12:13

I wouldn't class it as cheeky I would class it as rude, he is 6 years old and he shouldn't really studying the way you look, or know the difference between pretty and unattractive.

Could he be copying what someone else has said?

And I'm sure you look great in your bikini

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 12:13

Blimey, that's actually really nasty (doesn't mean you've raised a horrible child though!)

Where do you think it came from?

Is there anything else going on with him or around him?

Batteriesallgone · 03/07/2016 12:14

Are you/DH making comments about your appearance in front of him?

My mum and dad used to make jokes about 'look out for whalers' etc when she wore her bikini on holiday, looking back it was totally unacceptable. I was always really torn about what is a 'good' female body because my friends skinny mum was horrid to cuddle whereas my mum was lovely and squishy. But I knew that dad thought she was overweight.

Anyway my point is I think the reason I used to think about it a lot is because mum and dad used to bring it up a lot. I wish they hadn't

Noonesfool · 03/07/2016 12:16

It's also not a child saying what they see. It's a value judgement.

TheyOnceSaid · 03/07/2016 12:21

AtSea1979

I really don't understand why you've made that comment, you don't know OP so please do not judge her parenting, kids sometimes say horrible things and you should not automatically think that's how their parent(s) has raised them; why would a parent raise their child(ren) to be horrible?

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 03/07/2016 12:21

Like a lot of pps, my parents both made comments about (overweight) people's bodies all the time. My mum was absolutely stunning as a young woman and though she was still very beautiful (to me) as she got older, I could tell that she and my dad were wistful for the days when she was the most beautiful girl in town. It really got to her that she gained weight and this definitely had a negative impact on my siblings and me growing up. I really am trying to be careful what I say in front of my DC now. Thankfully, although I have gained weight since pre-DC, my DH always says he likes me best the way I am. Even if he doesn't mean it (I hope think he does though), I'm glad weight gain (within reason obviously) isn't an important or particularly negative topic in our household.

sharknad0 · 03/07/2016 12:25

But more importantly what on earth has happened to our world that a 6 year old has already has his vision shaped about what "beauty" means

completely agree with that, of course it is hurtful, but what does he even mean by "looking bad"?

My kids have told me that I wasn't pretty, but it was when they saw me coming home covered in mud or was wearing a big hat they didn't like.
I am amazed that a 6 year old would make the same kind of judgement about a body in a bikini than an adult would.

YANBU of course.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/07/2016 12:27

I would be worried that he thinks it's your job to be pretty, that's a really misogynistic thing to say. Is there anyone around him that would give him this attitude op?

peppercold · 03/07/2016 12:30

Atsea and you say the son is horrible. Jeez.

AmysTiara · 03/07/2016 12:31

That's a lot more than the usual tactlessness of kids tbh. I'd be upset too.

I8toys · 03/07/2016 12:37

What an odd thing for a child to say? He's getting this judgmental attitude from somewhere. I would try and talk to him and educate him about what constitutes being a human being and the different shapes and sizes that entails. Kindness and compassion should be one of the first things you teach a growing child and how not to hurt others with their comments.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/07/2016 12:37

Oooff how horrible for you OP.

This is an opportunity to begin to educate your son on the issue of what a 'pretty' ie 'acceptable' body is or is not, and how those ideas are constructed and oppress everyone (the pretty included).

Also to make it very clear that words can really hurt and it's not ok to comment negatively on other people's bodies.

This is an important age for him to be taught alternatives to everything our culture espouses about body and beauty.

CakeNinja · 03/07/2016 12:38

You told him off but did you actually explain why it wasn't a nice thing to say? Or was it an abrupt telling off and then changed the subject?

It wasn't a nice thing to say, it's a bloody nasty thing to say. Because it hurts feelings. And because being 'pretty' isn't as important as being 'nice'. And that you try to be a nice mum and love him and accept him no matter what.

Hmm. It's hard to say. He's 6, not a great age yet for tact, but he should know by now not to be so personal about someone.

for you. And get out there in that bikini. I think you look great

theredjellybean · 03/07/2016 12:38

poor you OP.

I am afraid my retort would have been

' and i don't want you to be my son anymore as you are rude '

and i would have walked away.

monkeywithacowface · 03/07/2016 12:38

Wow Atsea guess your parents should be feeling pretty upset right now too by that logic.

It was a horrible thing for him to say and I think he should know he hurt his feelings. Kids can be blunt and I've brushed off a few comments like "your tummy is big and squashy" in the past but I would say your ds intended to be unkind and that's not on at all. Agree with others that he may be over hearing some similar talk from adults.

I remember when ds was 3 I was wearing a dress and he said I looked like a princess thE following year when he was four I put on the same dress and he said "are you sure you should wear that I don't want people to laugh at you"

Kids can be horrible but I don't think we should always brush it off as them just being kids they need to be taught when their words are unkind

honeylulu · 03/07/2016 12:39

Poor you. I agree it's not nice at all. When my son was about that age he told me I had "big ears like a monkey". When I remonstrated with him he said "well I just wish you looked nice like my friend's mummy". I can't remember what we said to him but we certainly made clear that it's unkind to be rude about appearance and have reiterated it. He's 11 now and doesn't do it any more. My mum is currently having chemo and losing her hair which upsets her and he's been really lovely reassuring her that he loves her whatever.

Therealloislane · 03/07/2016 12:44

I'm so sorry & saddened to hear this.

Op can you think of a time in the past you've maybe been negative about yourself in front of him?

I attended a talk recently on women's self image & it came out that children that remark upon a parent's appearance has heard it from the parent.

It's something we subconsciously do without thinking.

MollyTwo · 03/07/2016 12:46

sorry op what a nasty thing to say to
You.
At 6 he is well old enough to know better. A chat about being so rude and saying awful things is needed. Ask him if someone picked on his appearance how would he feel?

Original poster

allegretto · 03/07/2016 12:57

Thanks for the support. I think actually he has some strange ideas about bodies atm and I really don't know why - my other two kids have never said things like that. He is pretty extreme in what he says - one moment he loves me to death and wants to be buried with me and the next he is awful. For what it's worth, I am not overweight but I have some really gnarly veins up one leg that I can't do anything about and he is really disgusted about anything that is not 'normal'. I don't know really how to tackle this and his remark upset me more than it should have as I have always had negative comments about the way I look from school onwards but even now sometimes. He has apologised a lot and says he didn't mean it btw.

OP posts:

snapcrap · 03/07/2016 13:00

I think thereallloislane has a point actually.

My dd said to me when she was 4 (I was also on holiday) 'Ugh you look ugly in that dress mummy' really loudly. I was wearing quite a snug (!) sundress but thought I looked ok! My dh had a word with her about being unkind or rude. Actually she's now 13 and is a very kind person who won't stand for any woman or girl running down the way they look.

Sorry it mad you feel shit OP x

EttaJ · 03/07/2016 13:04

Oh OP I am sorry. Say to him you may want a pretty mum but I love you with all my heart and actually I want a polite son.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 03/07/2016 13:05

I am absolutely not trying to minimise what he said to you OP, but I have a vague memory of some children I know saying quite harsh things about people's looks at that sort of age. Definitely have a proper talk with him about it and try and find out where his views on looks are coming from, but it could so easily be a phase he will grow out of.

The being buried with you comment reminds me of something I used to say to my mum every day when I went to school as a little girl; "bye mummy, I love you, don't die" . I had no reason at all to think she would!

Globetrotter100 · 03/07/2016 13:09

Definitely time to explain that negative, personal comments about a person's appearance are not OK.

I am sure your son hasn't made the connection between sharing opinion and causing hurt. Horrible for you though.

NowWhat1983 · 03/07/2016 13:12

I would that is more than cheeky monkeyness.

A cheeky child is poking fun at their appearance without realising the hurt it causes. That is what young children do. They dont often get the magnitude of what they are saying.

But he went further and said he doesnt want you a mother anymore because of your appearance and he wants a prettier one. That is a vile thing to say and he needs to understand that.

Perhaps to make him understand: say to him if you dont want me as a mum anymore, you obviosuly dont want this that or the other....list of all the lovely things you no doubt do for him and fucking follow through, even just to prove the point once. No bedtime story, no something else that he loves and wouldnt want to do without.

If he complains, say well if you dont want me as a mum, you dont actually this do you?

Prove your point and then tell him what a nsaty thing it is to say that he doesnt want you as a mum and then move on.

I would.

NowWhat1983 · 03/07/2016 13:13

*dont actually want this do you

That should say

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