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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I can have a male friend

30 replies

Gothamsgirl · 03/07/2016 07:37

I'm in a long term relationship - over 4 years and getting married in September. A few months ago I Linked with a bloke I knew 20 years ago, there was an attraction and flirting but nothing came of it back then, we exchanged mobile numbers and texted a few times - he wanted to meet for coffee, but that never came off for one reason or another. I'm an honest kind if person so told my fiance....he hit the roof!
I thought he trusted me but he says men and women can't be friends I disagree. I should add that the bloke says he has a girlfriend who lives abroad... What do you think?

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 03/07/2016 07:40

Men and women certainly can be friends but the "attraction and flirting" bit would worry me tbh.

Lostthefairytale · 03/07/2016 07:45

Of course men and women can be friends. I have lots of male friends. It's about the history and context though, actively trying to form a friendship with a man you had a flirtation with in the past 3 months before your wedding seems a little odd to me.

SoupDragon · 03/07/2016 07:45

Attraction and flirting implies a very different thing to a platonic friendship.

FuzzyScuzzbucket · 03/07/2016 07:46

Of course men and women can be friends. I have male friends and my dh has female friends. It's only a problem if there's flirting involved

SoupDragon · 03/07/2016 07:46

I have male friends but there has never been any kind of flirting or attraction.

FoxyLoxy123 · 03/07/2016 07:48

Has this never come up in the last four years?

My DP and I have been together for a similar time and I have loads of male friends, including new ones I've met since we've been together.

Is it the fact he's make or is it the fact there is some level of history? Saying that I still talk to my ex and my DP is fine with it.

FoxyLoxy123 · 03/07/2016 07:48

*male not make!

wheresthel1ght · 03/07/2016 07:48

2 of my best friends in the world are blokes. Never been any attraction between us. We have similar interests. Both are married.

My ex husband was exactly the same as your fiancé. If I so much a smiled at a guy I was accused of sleeping with him. He hr the roof after I went
Out with my make gay friend as I obviously was trying to convert him HmmConfused

Laiste · 03/07/2016 07:51

Try this:

''My fiance and i are getting married in Sept. A couple of months ago i linked with a woman i knew years ago. Back then we were attracted to each other and flirted. We've exchanged mobile numbers and are texting. She wants to meet up. My fiance isn't happy. Is she being unreasonable?''

Dressing this up as your fiance being 'one of those people' who are against male/female friendship is being disingenuous OP.

CatThiefKeith · 03/07/2016 07:54

My best friend is male. We've been best friends since primary school, and he is dd's godfather.

We have had issues on both sides in the past with partners being jealous, but I am now married and he is engaged to a wonderful woman that completely accepts our friendship.

What there has never been though is attraction or flirting. We've shared a bed in our younger days, been on holiday and briefly lived together, but other than a cuddle when the other has been heartbroken there has been nothing physical. If there was I don't see how it could work.

I can understand why your fiancé is uncomfortable tbh.

Flacidunicorn · 03/07/2016 07:59

YABU and you know it OP

If this was the other way around and your OH met a woman from his past that he'd fancied you would be feeling exactly as he is.

SenoritaViva · 03/07/2016 08:03

YABU due to the flirting. Are you arranging coffee with the three/four of you or just you two? im not against male friends but is it truly just that?

heron98 · 03/07/2016 08:07

Yes, of course they can.

In fact, last night I was the cinema with a male friend and my DP has gone to stay with a female friend.

However - there can also be "friendships" which are helpfully disguised as such to mask deeper feelings. Only you know if this is the case with yours.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 03/07/2016 08:12

I have lots of male friends, however there is no attraction or flirting. If there was I would make sure I only saw them in groups, not individually. There are men in my past who fall into the attraction/flirting category - if they had also been longterm close friends then I might consider it ok to meet for a one-off coffee, but if the main focus had been the flirting aspect then I just wouldn't go there, no point.

KeepingitReal2 · 03/07/2016 08:13

Yeah the issue is you had chemistry

VocationalGoat · 03/07/2016 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNotoriousPMT · 03/07/2016 08:17

Thing is, from what you've said, you aren't friends and never have been. You used to fancy each other: that is the connection.

Are you having a little pre-wedding last-minute just-checking-I'm-still-attractive wobble?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/07/2016 08:34

In this particular instance it clearly isn't "just" a friendship so any fiancé might be excused for being a little concerned. However, his view that men and women can't be friends is not only incorrect but worrying. I'd dig into this a bit more before getting married, frankly.

Sceptimum · 03/07/2016 08:34

Men and women can totally be friends.
Would you and this bloke still want to meet up if your partner was there with you when you met up? If not, that's probably not a friendship you have going there.

OTheHugeManatee · 03/07/2016 08:38

Of course men and women can be friends but it sounds like there was too much X chemistry for you to 'just' be friends with this man. I think your fiancé is being the reasonable one here.

Nanunanu · 03/07/2016 08:40

Yes they can

You weren't being friendly though with attraction and flirting. And your fiance may have been trying to keep it generic 'men and women can't be friends' rather than specifically saying your behaviour hurt me and made me feel insecure like I couldn't tryst you. Because your behaviour was unreasonable. This wasn't an old friend where any attraction has passed far away into platonic friendship this was a flirting in a cafe with another man you have just met again and you admit there was attraction.

Tartsamazeballs · 03/07/2016 08:41

Sounds more like the start of an emotional affair than a platonic friendship.

TheNaze73 · 03/07/2016 08:48

YABVU and you know it

2nds · 03/07/2016 08:58

I've been in your OH's position twice and it's not fun.

crazyhead · 09/07/2016 13:35

it can be hard to tell - I've had experiences where I've previously had a spark with a man because they are bright and interesting rather than because I want to shag them. It can be quite possible to convert that dynamic into straightforward friendship by being clear you are in love with your husband and suggesting you meet up as a foursome after the initial coffee.

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