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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think single people get treated worse by society in general?

32 replies

DancingDonovan · 02/07/2016 14:37

I have become single relatively recently after being in a LTR well about a year ago. In that time it's really started to depress me that I am seemingly treated like a second class member of society because I am not half of a couple. A few examples include :

Awkward pauses when I ask for a table for one (not fancy restaurants normal cabin places at lunch) and the odd person looking over/ staring

Friends in couples no longer want to socialise with me as much

People have told me I can't go on holiday on my own as its weird and what will I do

Colleagues asking what I did at the weekend and looking pityingly at me when I say I did X y and X but when hey ask "with who" I say " by myself"

It's so infuriating! I'm late 30s FWIW. Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 02/07/2016 14:39

Maybe it's just that they know you have only recently become single? I love going out and eating or having a day out on my own. Bliss!

EatShitDerek · 02/07/2016 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 02/07/2016 14:42

How bizarre! I am single and have never experienced any of this. I have been on week long holidays abroad by myself (bliss!) and eaten in restaurants alone so many times, nobody has ever looked at me funny.

What do you think businesswomen working away from home do?

If people are rude about you doing stuff alone I would just say rather pointedly, yes, I really enjoy my own company.

p33kab00 · 02/07/2016 14:44

I do see what you mean but having said that, I've been married for several years with no children. I have raised my dsd years and I am so happy with our situation. However I get so many pitying comments about having "none of my own" and "it's never the same" etc etc etc. It's very hurtful to have a family and be told that it doesn't even count or it's weird to love her so much when she's 'not mine'. I'm very much treated like a 'second class mother".

I not sure what's worse...

giantpurplepeopleeater · 02/07/2016 14:47

I can't say YABU because you're experiencing those things.

But having been single for nearly 2 years now, I can't say that I've had the same experience.

I love being able to please myself. My friends are more than happy to hang out with me - even when including their partners.

I have a DS so holidays have either been with him and/or friends of mine.

Being single doesn't necessarily mean doing everything alone. However, I do tend tot take advantage when DS is at his dads and have some fun. I can't say I've ever noticed funny looks or pity from others.

Are you comfortable in your own company? Some people are and some aren't.

Original poster

DancingDonovan · 02/07/2016 14:48

P33kab00 that's awful well at least you know you are happy and fulfilled with your family it doesn't matter what others think. I would find that infuriating though!

OP posts:

concertplayer · 02/07/2016 14:50

What about the 25% single person discount on Council Tax?
Why isn't it 50% ?

BeenThereTooSEL · 02/07/2016 14:55

I'm not single but I can sympathise as I don't always wear my wedding ring/engagement ring and I've had people ask where her dad is?!!! Erm he's a work

branofthemist · 02/07/2016 15:32

I am not single.

But love to eat alone in restaurants and go away alone. I have never experienced it.

Tbf most people don't like to travel alone and prefer to go with a partner, family or friends. So to them choosing to go alone is something they can't understand. Not really a judgment on you.

Fwiw I have several long term single work colleagues who are snotty to people in relationships. Digs about how they are independent and don't need a partner like 'some people'

I have decided that some people are dicks and they will pick something about you to be dickish about. Relationship status, wether you are a parent, your weight, your hair, how you parent etc

Just keep living life the way you want.

Isetan · 02/07/2016 15:38

I've never had any of the things you mention happen to me but I do get partnered friends shooting me the occasional envious look, at the way I can please myself without having to consult or consider anyone other than DD.

As mentioned earlier by a poster, enjoying your oepwn company is key. I must give off a vibe that screams 'I'm already complete thanks, there isn't a half missing', which somehow neutralises any pity. Despite being single for over six years I'm in no hurry to be part of a couple again and having to deal with all the endless compromising that goes with it. I also love the autonomy of being a single parent too much, to ever put myself in a position again where I need to accommodate anyone other than DD.

No one can make you feel less than, without permission.

Girlgonewild · 02/07/2016 15:42

I don't notice it. I was in Central America alone on holiday earlier this year and it was fine. I ate lunch alone each day and no one seemed to think that was a problem. Hoever after 20 years married I adore my own company so it was never going to be an issue for me.
It is annoying paying full council tax because I am kind enough to house an adult child though.

ghostyslovesheep · 02/07/2016 15:46

I think you need to tune out the idiots - I don't get that kind of stuff (7 years single - happily so!) - I've just come back from a night in London where I saw some sights and stayed in a beautiful hotel - all alone - it was bliss!

I don't feel in the slightest by hard done by

happyandsingle · 02/07/2016 15:50

Been single many many years and never experienced this. Or maybe im just immune to it because its been so long.
Often im out with my dd though so perhaps that makes a difference as in people probably assume her daddy is at home.
I think there are so many single people in the world now that eating out alone and going on holiday alone are seen as pretty common things.
The only thing i would feel weird doing alone is eating in a restaraunt im worried people would assume ive been stood up!.

BackforGood · 02/07/2016 15:54

Maybe you are feeling sensitive and therefore interpreting things, or reading in to things that aren't there?
I don't get any of those things when I eat out alone, or go out and do things on my own.

MeMySonAndl · 02/07/2016 15:54

It is the price of independence. You will soon get used to the people reactions and stop noticing them. Restaurants, parties, holidays, etc. tend to be social places so being there on your own makes you a minority. But IME once you have the freon to eat, travel, live on your own, life is a wonderful place.

I did quite a lot of traveling on my very own, those trips were the more socially active in a way, much more interesting going around, talking to the locals, and having less distractions to take it all in. Much more exciting than having to sit by a pool all day long to please the whole family!

Don't take it personally, get used to it and enjoy the ride :-)

selly24 · 02/07/2016 15:57

Hi! I think you are correct in saying single people are treated differently (and not for the better) I have no qualms about eating out, going to cinemal theatre or on holiday alone, but know those who think it odd and question it.

I was divorced and single for a while, but now remarried. Husband was single for practically all his adult life-threatening bar a few short relationships. I am conscious of single people potentially feeling on the sidelines and make an effort to include them high on the guest list of gatherings and invite them to stay with us.

People who are single and/ or childless are also looked over regarding occasions. Demonstrated perfectly by the Sex and the city episode where Carrie goes to yet another of her friends children related parties (and naturally buys a gift). Her shoes are lost there and host balks at paying to replace them, citing a reluctance to 'pay for her lifestyle choices' ....

Errrr hello?

selly24 · 02/07/2016 15:58

That wasn't meant to say life-threatening !
Epic typo!

Trills · 02/07/2016 15:59

A lot of people are not very good at imagining feeling differently about things.

They think that they would dislike something (e.g. eating alone, spending a weekend alone, going on holiday alone) and therefore it is A BAD THING.

NickiFury · 02/07/2016 16:03

I think it can depend where you live. I'm in London and do everything alone, prefer that way tbh and no one looks twice. Loads of single people eating, drinking, going to the cinema etc alone here.

Family and friends on the other hand, yes, I do often feel a bit looked down on and as a single parent, in the early days they tended almost to lump me in with the children of the family even my own! That was very annoying and I didn't put up with it.

VestalVirgin · 02/07/2016 16:17

I don't go to restaurants on my own often, I usually go with a friend, and probably wouldn't notice the strange looks if there are any. Some of my friends are single, too, and those who aren't don't make a big deal out of it. So no problems there.

However, I do think it is very unfair that married couples where I live get tax discounts. For no good reason whatsoever; a man just gets a tax discount so he can keep a housewife (because that's how it works most of the time, let's be real here). The bigger the difference in earning, the less tax has to be paid.
It is NOT tied to children - single mothers do not get tax discounts.

VestalVirgin · 02/07/2016 16:21

Demonstrated perfectly by the Sex and the city episode where Carrie goes to yet another of her friends children related parties (and naturally buys a gift). Her shoes are lost there and host balks at paying to replace them, citing a reluctance to 'pay for her lifestyle choices' ....

I don't watch Sex and the City, but isn't a big part of the plot how they buy those extremely expensive shoes?
I would feel a bit resentful over having to replace someone's expensive shoes even though I would never buy that kind of expensive shoes for myself, nor expect anyone to wear them to my party. So ... how is this connected to her being single?

mollie123 · 02/07/2016 16:26

It is not so much the doing things on your own -
it is having to pay so much because most events, holidays etc are based on couples.
I have been on my own (rather than single) for the last 20 years and I enjoy it most of the time but do find it annoyingly more expensive and as for socialising (meh) - cannot be bothered at my age.

mollie123 · 02/07/2016 16:32

meant to also say that being a single parent (I was one for over 20 years) is not the same as being single. As a single parent - you have a focus for your life, you can also take your children on holiday with you etc.
So I understand what the OP is saying about being single full stop.

Gabilan · 02/07/2016 17:58

I've been single most of my life. People are occasionally pitying but once they see you cracking on with your life they tend to stop that. Sometimes friends set me up on dates but I don't mind that. Who knows, one of them might turn out to be someone I like

nocoolnamesleft · 02/07/2016 17:58

"Oooh, aren't you brave to be on holiday on your own"

"Hardly, I'm on a luxury cruise, not backpacking round the Andes"

Really annoys me. But not half as much as bastarding single supplements - on one occasion I invented an identical twin sister, who would be travelling with me, then tragically had to withdraw at the last minute, because two people could go for less than a single, as they said solo travellers couldn't go for the best offers.

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