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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell ex MIL not to come around any more?

95 replies

Janefromdowntheroad · 01/07/2016 14:14

Ex DP and I recently split up. He decided he wasn't happy and left leaving me with 14 mth old DD.

He's been awful since he went, a real bastard, on tinder, dates, emails from our bookings account for hotels etc.

I got one message from his mother saying 'sorry to hear about you and DP, hope it doesn't affect him seeing DD'. That was it. I replied and said yes, I was sorry to hear it too! What a shock it was but thanks for the message.

Ex has been sending her to pick DD up for contact. She came for the first time the other day and didn't even ask me how I was, was I ok or anything. Just turned up said hi, told me that DD looked tired and then left.

AIBU to think actually if you don't even have the common decency to ask how someone is when your son has just walked out on them and a baby that she can bugger off coming back around here again. I just don't need these people in my life. Its so bloody rude.

OP posts:

AdrenalineFudge · 01/07/2016 14:52

KittyLaRoux Absolutely!! at me all you want but I genuinely would do that.
The OP has said:

He decided he wasn't happy and left leaving me with 14 mth old DD. He's been awful since he went, a real bastard, on tinder, dates, emails from our bookings account for hotels etc.

The OP is hurt and bruised. I wouldn't give a single shit about his feelings or relationship with his child. OP - you keep on keeping on! Do whatever you think is best for YOU!

KittyLaRoux · 01/07/2016 14:54

Why should the OP go out of her way to facilitate contact? Unless the OP is due a massive drip feed then I can't see why she should go out of her way to help someone who has shat on her from a great height.

The OP isn't actually going out of her way though, mil is collecting DD.

Also as a parent you do all you can for your DC even if that sometimes means you need to suck it up. It is hard enough for children to have one shit parent why would you want to make it two shit parents just out of spite?

I facilitate contact for the benefit of my children not my ex.

KittyLaRoux · 01/07/2016 14:57

AdrenalineFudge you are coming across as nasty and spiteful. Nice traits to have....

Also it is none of the OP's business what the ex is up to now as he is her ex. He left because he was unhappy but the OP is pissed off because he has since joined a dating site and is going on dates. Yes it is shit and hurtful but not her business anymore.

Ebony69 · 01/07/2016 14:59

Adrenalin, you have stated that you would make contact as difficult as you could. I regard that as you being obstructive, drawing the child into the parents' dispute and risking the contact breaking down - thus causing emotional harm to the child. Just try to see this from the child's perspective then ask yourself honestly whether it would be right thing to do.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 01/07/2016 15:04

OP, she's not on your side, that's the long and short of it.

She's his mum.

She could have walked in on him standing over your corpse with a gun in his hand and she would still see it from his point of view.

You are right to be angry, I would be too, but it's pointless taking your anger out on your ex MIL.

Plus, when you meet someone fabulous with whom you have amazing sex and lots of good times, you're going to want her to babysit.

JudyCoolibar · 01/07/2016 15:10

Sorry but if that was my son I would be fucking ashamed of him and would be straight round DIL's house checking if she was ok

You don't know whether she knows the full extent of her son's behaviour, and you don't know that she hasn't bawled him out repeatedly. You think she should have asked how you were but there could be all sorts of reasons why she hasn't - she may feel you look OK, she may worry that you would think she's lost the right to ask, she may be embarrassed.

I'm with everyone else: she's expressed her sorrow at the situation, she's been perfectly polite to you, she's your child's grandparent. Direct your anger at your ex and no-one else.

WetPaint4 · 01/07/2016 15:15

I agree with others that you don't want to be getting too mad at his mother but I don't think it's right that this woman is trying to avoid 'awkward conversation' to the point where she can't even ask if you're okay.

It is an awkward situation but you are and always will be linked to her as family, she should at least be able to talk to you properly. A bit of kindness isn't too much to ask.

AdrenalineFudge · 01/07/2016 15:16

KittyLaRoux Do you know the OP? Otherwise how do you know that he left because he was unhappy?

ebony I stand by all I've said. I don't see why OP should facilitate a single thing after that. It may not be necessarily her ex but certainly his mother wants in - in that case maybe they can reach an agreement but I wouldn't give a shit about the father and I'd certainly be wondering if the mother's intentions are pure considering it was her bastard son that shit on her.

OP - Act like you are now a single parent. You owe nothing to no-one.

Original poster

Janefromdowntheroad · 01/07/2016 15:17

Thanks for giving me a shake. I acknowledge that I'm having a very angry day!!

The babysitting comment made me laugh. Also the bit about it not being any of my business what he does now. Although it would be nice if he wasn't booking hotel rooms for tonight on our bookings account that cost more than his monthly maintenance.

I am having a very angry day and will go listen to angry bitch music.

OP posts:

Original poster

Janefromdowntheroad · 01/07/2016 15:18

He's got her running around picking up DD so he doesn't have to come here and face his actions. A coward to the last.

OP posts:

Queensbelfastvcisasexistprat · 01/07/2016 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 01/07/2016 15:19

He decided he wasn't happy

^ Taken from the OP. So that would suggest he was unhappy yes?

You are really quite vile AdrenalineFudge

AdrenalineFudge · 01/07/2016 15:20

Janefromdowntheroad Make his life as difficult as you possibly can. And fuck her too! You do what's best for you. Stay strong!

Atenco · 01/07/2016 15:20

"ebony what harm is this you speak of?"

Well there is nothing in the OP to suggest that MIL isn't a loving grandmother. She has been put in a very embarrassing position by her son, she may know the truth and be ashamed or she may have been spun lies, whatever, if she is a loving grandmother you will be glad of her in the long run.

My ex was a bastard, but funnily enough the rest of his family were great and my dd really benefitted from contact with them, especially when we entered the teenage years.

Queensbelfastvcisasexistprat · 01/07/2016 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLaRoux · 01/07/2016 15:21

He's got her running around picking up DD so he doesn't have to come here and face his actions. A coward to the last.

This is a good thing. At least you don't have to see his face and cope with the stress of handovers.

ClopySow · 01/07/2016 15:22

I have a funny relationship with my ex mil. I used to care what she thought of me, now i couldn't give a fuck. She never supported me after her son fucked off, always had his side of the story.

But it was more his fault than hers. He's her boy. I get that now as my boys become men. I hope i'd support a dil more in her shoes though.

AdrenalineFudge · 01/07/2016 15:22

KittyLaRoux But do you know why? No you don't. I'm glad you see me as 'vile' - a MN first for me. Something of an achievement. Thanks.

pinkladyapple · 01/07/2016 15:24

Why do you still have joint account for anything? And why are you looking?

I have every sympathy, I really do, but you're not helping yourself there. Find some way to remove him or set up new accounts. Or close those entirely if you can access them.

Imagine if you were the MIL. Your son left his long-term partner and now, perhaps, is going crazy and off the rails a bit with his new 'freedom'. Embarrassing? Annoying? Devastating? Either way I don't think you'd want to discuss it with his ex-partner. And to be honest, if she did say "he is being an arsehole" it would further fan the flames and make you feel like you scored a victory. Maybe you will text your ex and say "haha your mother agrees with me".

I am really sorry you are in this situation . My friend was left by her partner holding a 1 year old not long ago. MIL texted her saying she thought my friend was unfair to her son. When my friend corrected what actually happened, MIL apologised and has since then been civil.

Atenco · 01/07/2016 15:24

I also don't think you should criticise her son to her

GabsAlot · 01/07/2016 15:26

doesnt matter what u say anyway she will side with her son

but a quick how are you would be polite

KittyLaRoux · 01/07/2016 15:27

KittyLaRoux But do you know why? No you don't. I'm glad you see me as 'vile' - a MN first for me. Something of an achievement. Thanks.

It doesn't matter why he was unhappy. He was so he left.

Your attitude is nothing to be proud of. You are clearly hell bent on ruining childrens lives by promoting a spiteful nasty vindictive stance.

I feel sorry for your children if you have them.

GabsAlot · 01/07/2016 15:29

and just to add whats the dd got to do with the parents splitting up adrenaline?

RedMapleLeaf · 01/07/2016 15:32

But her child hasn't shat on her and she deserves a mother who facilitates contact with relatives who love her.

clicknclack · 01/07/2016 15:35

Be civil to MIL would be my advice, otherwise she may stop picking up DD and you would have to face wankbadger every time he wanted to see his daughter. She may be on his side but she is providing a buffer for you.

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