To tell ex MIL not to come around any more?

[Janefromdowntheroad]

Ex DP and I recently split up. He decided he wasn't happy and left leaving me with 14 mth old DD.

He's been awful since he went, a real bastard, on tinder, dates, emails from our bookings account for hotels etc.

I got one message from his mother saying 'sorry to hear about you and DP, hope it doesn't affect him seeing DD'. That was it. I replied and said yes, I was sorry to hear it too! What a shock it was but thanks for the message.

Ex has been sending her to pick DD up for contact. She came for the first time the other day and didn't even ask me how I was, was I ok or anything. Just turned up said hi, told me that DD looked tired and then left.

AIBU to think actually if you don't even have the common decency to ask how someone is when your son has just walked out on them and a baby that she can bugger off coming back around here again. I just don't need these people in my life. Its so bloody rude.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Make her ask how you are, by being ultra-polite to her. "Good morning mil. How are you? I hope you're not finding this too exhausting, pleasetell me if it is" and so on. At some point she'll have to respond, and then you have a dialogue from which conversation emerge (but not about her precious son until you're feeling calmer).

It's worth trying. You will need to talk to her eventually.

I'm really sorry this has happened

[Kimononono]

Well families really show their true colours when people split up don't they?

YANBU to think she is an arsehole. But to her now it's obvious you were just a baby making machine and I suppose unless he picks her himself it's what you have to deal with.

Dh mother is the same with BIL ex wife and I'm sure she would be the same to me, it's very sad how quickly you can pushed out a family unit. It's not nice. Not all ex mil are like this though my ex mil and I are very good friends.

If she says anything snarky again, pick her up on it.

Drink wine and bitch about them both to good friends

[KittyLaRoux]

But to her now it's obvious you were just a baby making machine

WOW that is some massice assumption

[Kimononono]

Hmmmm I wouldn't bother trying to forge a a relationship that wasn't there (obviously) bring nice to people who don't give a shit is draining.

Just drink wine!

[honeyroar]

Close all your joint accounts down and block him on Facebook etc. If you have to continually keep seeing what he's up to and who with then you're going to stay hurt and angry for longer. Set up your own accounts and concentrate on your own life. I know it's hard, but you have to do it.

As for your mother in law, she's trying to keep things calm, and she's obviously very worried about her (useless) son losing contact with his child. She made contact, she said she's sorry, she doesn't want to go any deeper into the mess and get in the middle of "he said, she said". She's doing the pick ups, she's preventing you and your ex from having to meet, possibly knowing you two may well row in front of the child or that it may be upsetting for you. She probably didn't ask how you are because she knows. What can she say..? It's a difficult time, you've got to try and graciously do your best for your little one, and this means working out access and moving forward. Blocking your MIL would really be petty, she hasn't done anything against you. She might not have done what you thought she should, but that's not a reasonable reason to block her. And as for those who say make things as difficult as possible for him, you make me ashamed to be female.

[AdrenalineFudge]

KittyLaRoux Your sorrow is misguided as I don't have children. I do, however, know what it's like to grow up in a single-parent household. And it is great. None of the abuse or drama.

[AdrenalineFudge]

KittyLaRoux Do not bring my ability to have children or otherwise into this. I'm figuring that out at the moment and it is at times heartbreaking. This is purely and simply about the OP that we've been presented with and her story. You feeling sorry for children I may not ever be able to have is you being vindictive. Don't do that.

[KittyLaRoux]

AdrenalineFudge

You clearly have issues and are affected by your past/upbringing and I am truly sorry for that. However your nasty comments and spiteful advice are of no help to the OP at all. It would just make the situation a whole lot worse and have a very damaging affect on the child.

You have projected massivley on this thread maybe you need to start one of your own to work through your promlems? It may help.

[ClopySow]

I do, however, know what it's like to grow up in a single-parent household

Me too. And i know what it's like to bring children up in one. Even without abuse and drama, it's a massively hard slog.

Other than fucking off and dating other people, we can't assume he's done anything shitty. Making it difficult to see his child is an arse move that only really fucks over the child.

[KittyLaRoux]

Do not bring my ability to have children or otherwise into this

Actually I didn't I said if you have children I feel sorry for them. I never brought up your ability to have them or not.
However if you do I would hope that you would have a better attitude to their emmotional wellbeing than you do to the child of the OP.

You are goady and antagonistic Adrenaline and I do not wish to engage with you further.

OP it is so difficult to see things rationally when you are angry and hurt. You have every right to be but you need to make sure that your angry doesn't cause you more stress.

[KittyLaRoux]

I know I said I wouldn't respond but....AdrenalineFudge I actually do care. A difficult upbringing can affect children greatly in adult life and I suspect yours has affected you. You said in your first post you would make contact as difficult as possible.....why? Who is that helping? Is that the actions of a loving parent to want to emotionally fuck up theur child?

Your subsequent posts talk of the OP only looking out for herself. What about the child? Why have such a selfish attitude?
You were vitriolic about the MIL who actually hadn't done anything wrong.
Yes I think you are projecting and I am very sorry for that as you are affected in a very negative way.

[Hellothereitsme]

I've been the ex DIL in exactly the same situation. My ex had an affair and moved out immediately. My MIl could only think of herself.

HOWEVER I maintained contact with MIL purely for the children. She isn't going to ask how you are - as anyone with common sense will know how you feel. That's like asking a very sick person how they are - senseless. Just stick with the contact. It is only a few minutes. Just be polite. I did this for 4 years and my children are emotionally stable, they love mummy and daddy equally and until the death of PIL had loving relationships with their grandparents. That makes me very proud that I have done a brilliant job.

[AdrenalineFudge]

I change my position KLR, you aren't a horrible person. Just an awfully condescending one.

[escapedfrommordor]

AdrenalineFudge it's a damn good thing you don't have kids. Your comments are appalling. It's not actually about the adult's feelings, it's about a child's right to have a relationship with a parent. Please get help before you inflict yourself on a child.


OP YANBU to feel hurt and cross at the moment. I do this it is misdirected though. I'd let things cool down for a while, give yourself time to get used to how things are now and things might feel better.

[kali110]

I don't think kitty comes across as a horrible person At all

[kali110]

Op please don't follow adrenaline advice. The only people you will hurt is your child.
I'm sorry your going through this.

[missymayhemsmum]

OP, I totally understand why you are angry, but for the long term you need to keep your MiL onside. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she maybe doesn't want to have the tearful conversation about how useless her son is over her granddaughter's head, and doesn't know what to say. Her son may also have told her all sorts of things (lies) , or indeed, he may have told her nothing.

If you previously had a good relationship with her then maybe try to have a chat without your DD present. She is probably the person with most influence over whether your ex gets his act together re contact, pays maintenance etc and stops behaving like an arse, she is also your DD's grandmother and whether you need her in your life or not you are stuck with her (and she with you) for the next 20 years or so. If you never got on then grit your teeth and be polite so she has reasons to make your life easier- it's going to be hard enough.
In a year or two when things are less raw you want to be in a position to ring your MiL up once in a while and ask her to babysit.

[AntiqueSinger]

Sorry but I simply do not see how asking how the mother of your grandchild is can be difficult. How on earth is a polite enquiry after your well being inviting trouble? Isn't that just basic decency to someone who was formerly a nominal member of your family at the very least??!

[NickiFury]

I would love to see most of you in this situation and how dignified you'd manage to be. It's just MN OP, they often demand behaviours from the wronged party that they themselves would never be capable of in real life.

My ex got engaged while still married to me, made all the arrangements and fully intended to go ahead with it as "well we will be divorced soon anyway". His parents backed him in it and his wider family even sent congratulations cards......to my address to give to him as they had no address for him, yes really!

I never posted about it as i knew what ridiculous responses and pious entreaties to think of everyone but myself I would get.

Personally I would still let her pick dd up but be as frosty and distant as she is and I wouldn't be forgetting it either when, in the future, she decides enough time has passed and she can start being friendly again, I promise you that WILL happen.

[AntiqueSinger]

What NickiFury says. Completely.