To tell ex MIL not to come around any more?

[Janefromdowntheroad]

Ex DP and I recently split up. He decided he wasn't happy and left leaving me with 14 mth old DD.

He's been awful since he went, a real bastard, on tinder, dates, emails from our bookings account for hotels etc.

I got one message from his mother saying 'sorry to hear about you and DP, hope it doesn't affect him seeing DD'. That was it. I replied and said yes, I was sorry to hear it too! What a shock it was but thanks for the message.

Ex has been sending her to pick DD up for contact. She came for the first time the other day and didn't even ask me how I was, was I ok or anything. Just turned up said hi, told me that DD looked tired and then left.

AIBU to think actually if you don't even have the common decency to ask how someone is when your son has just walked out on them and a baby that she can bugger off coming back around here again. I just don't need these people in my life. Its so bloody rude.

[Atenco]

Mmm, I don't think of my MIL as an ex either, even though my ex is very definitely an ex

[usernoidea]

I agree with you op on this one and am struggling to see why others aren't with us?
I agree that if that were my son I'd be fucking embarrassed of him and say something about how sorry I was , don't condone what he's done etc....
Anyway it sounds like you're being super civil and taking the upper hand so well done on that one. It's fucking difficult to bite your tongue but sadly it may be the best thing to do right now X good luck and well done X

[grannytomine]

Thank you Furious and Atenco, it is a hard situation for everyone and it is certainly best for the children if the adults behave like adults. It isn't anyone's fault that my son and dil weren't right for each other and they have produced two wonderful kids who are loved by us all. The children mean there is always that link.

Atenco I'm glad your ex MIL was supportive, I think I might be a bit odd as I don't think of my DIL as my ex DIL. I wonder if that will happen?

[Atenco]

grannytomine you do sound lovely, a bit like my ex-MIL, though she would never have accepted me criticising her son. I don't know if my dd would have survived her teenage years if it hadn't been for my ex ILs.

[MLGs]

I agree you don't know what he's told her.

[Notonthestairs]

Jane it must feel like you are doing all the work keeping other people happy and nobody is looking out for you. You've been put in a crappy situation and then need to keep civil. Its shit. I am sorry that I have no great words of advice - I have no idea how I would behave in the same situation either as a DIL or as a MIL - but I hope things get better soon.

[FuriousFate]

Granny - you sound lovely!

[grannytomine]

OP it is difficult for everyone. I am in your MILs place. My son was unhappy and he left, I'm sad my DIL was unhappy and I'm sad my GC haven't got parents who are happy together. I honestly don't think my son staying would have made everything right but I won't go into the ins and outs of that as its not relevant. The point is I have refused to get drawn in by either of them, I am always positive to the GC about their mum and dad, I wish their other grandmother would do the same as its sad to see how upset and confused they are after she has had one of her name calling sessions about my son, she has tried to do it to me and I walked away.

Once the dust settled how has it worked out? Well my DIL works in healthcare and her shifts can be awkward, I pick the GC up from school and feed them 3 or 4 nights a week, they normally stay over night once or twice a week. I will have them lots more in the summer holidays. If she wants a night out or to go away for a weekend I always have the kids, funny about how her devoted so opinionated mother never seems to be available to do much.

My DIL is happier now than she was with my son, she has a new partner and they are much better suited, the same can be said for my son. If we were in a culture of arranged marriages I would never have picked them for each other as they weren't suited but a mother has to keep her nose out and pick up the pieces.

I get on well with DILs new partner, the children are happy. Did my DIL want me to ask how she was at the start of it all? I don't know but my help was practical, financial and time wise. I have heard her saying to friends about how lucky she is to have me so I guess she would trade that for a query about how she is.

I hope one day you will look back and think this was hard but it was for the best, I hope your little one has a great time with dad and granny and that you make the most of some time for yourself and find someone who is right for you.

Oh and your not being unreasonable to feel mad but my advice is keep smiling and it is more likely to work out well.

[Kimononono]

Agree with nickys post completly.

Trying to forge a relationship with some one who clearly has no ties to you is emotionally draining. Feck that!

[KittyLaRoux]

My mil only thougjt when we split was that i would keep the dc from them. Even though they had known me 15 years and the split was amicable she still worried.
I dont hate her for that being her first concern.
She was cool with me for around a year after and thinking about it she didnt ask how i was at all. I wasnt her concern anymore her son and the dc were. We still have contact and she does ask now how i am doing. She is a good women and i am pleased i didnt take her frosty attitude to heart as 3 years on my children are happy and stable.

I know not all pil are good people though and yours sound heartless Nicky

[NickiFury]

itsmine maybe we just don't read the same posts then

[AnyFucker]

I agree with Nicki

Take your MIL's cue and be as frosty as you like but make sure you remember how she made you feel. Civil is the way to go. You don't owe either your cunt of an an ex nor his mother who doesn't seem to be able to show any sympathy at all anything

Don't use your dc to score points though, that isn't right

FWIW though, you have every right to feel hurt, upset and furiously angry about how you have been treated. It absolutely stinks.

[downright]

-she decides enough time has passed and she can start being friendly again, I promise you that WILL happen.

haha yes, this will happen. However mine now understands who wears the trousers. It's a relationship I control, not her....!

[downright]

Let the dust settle for a bit.

However..... If you find contact with his family to be more stress and hassle than it's worth, the don't feel you have to maintain it.

I stayed in contact with my ex inlaws for about three months. All very amicable at first, they supported me, thought he was a twat etc. However the apple never falls far from the tree and ime it's unusual for the parents to be able to blame their own child for long. Eventually every time they opened their mouths his voice came out. Plus they never actually offered any practical help and I got sick of having to accommodate them all the time.

Essentially being a LP is hard enough without still having to jump through hoops set by your ex inlaws. Happily after divorce you are no longer related so you no longer have the same requirements to play nice.

Anyway after a couple of years things are civil. Develop a thick skin, fight the battles to need to fight to keep sane. If they don't help, don't feel bad about cutting them loose. Essentially their relationship with your DC is your ex's responsibility, not yours.

[NickiFury]

"At least he's still wanting contact."

Yes what a prince of a man. You need to be grateful for that OP and just accept any amount of shit he or his family throw your way.

[KayTee87]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, your ex sounds like a dick.
Your ex mil could be feeling really embarrassed and awkward and not really know what to say.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

The MIL owes nothing too you! Her loyalties lie with her son and GD.
What's it too you who picks up your DD on his behalf? At least he's still wanting contact.
Look at it from MIL point of view she's been placed slap bang in the middle, that would be one hell of a situation. She's got to see someone who loathes her son and as far as she's concerned holds all the cards. At any moment you can pull contact. What is there to say? Ask how you are? That's obvious. She doesn't want to say anything out of line and wants to remain out of it all. Your anger is for him not your MIL.
It is hard but honestly it gets easier, but get him removed off everything joint, block him on social media etc. you can't heal while his private life is right in front of you. Stay strong you've got to for your little girl.

[civilfawlty]

I came on to basically say what NickiFury said. Yes, your ex is a complete twat and you should be furious. But his family should be concerned for you too.

When my ex and I separated, his DM and family never spoke to me again, never offered help or support, but never challenged his bullshit behaviour. He may be an arse, but she raised him.

YANBU

[AntiqueSinger]

What NickiFury says. Completely.

[NickiFury]

I would love to see most of you in this situation and how dignified you'd manage to be. It's just MN OP, they often demand behaviours from the wronged party that they themselves would never be capable of in real life.

My ex got engaged while still married to me, made all the arrangements and fully intended to go ahead with it as "well we will be divorced soon anyway". His parents backed him in it and his wider family even sent congratulations cards......to my address to give to him as they had no address for him, yes really!

I never posted about it as i knew what ridiculous responses and pious entreaties to think of everyone but myself I would get.

Personally I would still let her pick dd up but be as frosty and distant as she is and I wouldn't be forgetting it either when, in the future, she decides enough time has passed and she can start being friendly again, I promise you that WILL happen.

[AntiqueSinger]

Sorry but I simply do not see how asking how the mother of your grandchild is can be difficult. How on earth is a polite enquiry after your well being inviting trouble? Isn't that just basic decency to someone who was formerly a nominal member of your family at the very least??!

[missymayhemsmum]

OP, I totally understand why you are angry, but for the long term you need to keep your MiL onside. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she maybe doesn't want to have the tearful conversation about how useless her son is over her granddaughter's head, and doesn't know what to say. Her son may also have told her all sorts of things (lies) , or indeed, he may have told her nothing.

If you previously had a good relationship with her then maybe try to have a chat without your DD present. She is probably the person with most influence over whether your ex gets his act together re contact, pays maintenance etc and stops behaving like an arse, she is also your DD's grandmother and whether you need her in your life or not you are stuck with her (and she with you) for the next 20 years or so. If you never got on then grit your teeth and be polite so she has reasons to make your life easier- it's going to be hard enough.
In a year or two when things are less raw you want to be in a position to ring your MiL up once in a while and ask her to babysit.

[kali110]

Op please don't follow adrenaline advice. The only people you will hurt is your child.
I'm sorry your going through this.