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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD - hypothetical move abroad

21 replies

LadyAntonella · 01/07/2016 12:42

If it was reasonably straightforward for you to do so, would you move to the states? I have an ancient expired US passport from when I was little, which I think could be renewed. I am a SAHP (one DD 18mo) and my DH works in an industry which is big business in the states. I would love to move there, but DH won't even entertain the idea. Is it a stupid idea? Obviously if he couldn't find a decent job or if I couldn't renew my passport, then it wouldn't even be an option. Also might wait to see if Trump becomes president first.

OP posts:

SittingAround1 · 01/07/2016 13:02

You could try a sabbatical for a year first to see how you would get on before making a permanent move. Would your DH be able to organise this with his work?

HerRoyalNotness · 01/07/2016 13:12

No I wouldn't. Sure there are some 'great' things about it. But there are many terrible things too. Gun control and crime being at the forefront. I find people here overly polite and afraid to actually have even a polite disagreement with someone, I suspect due to it. It leads to a very superficial atmosphere.

Healthcare costs are also another big one which would stop me living here too long. I want to leave before the DC are in high school, I'd hate for them to choose to live here when older as I know I wouldn't retire here.

Stepmotherofdragons · 03/07/2016 01:06

A relative who lives there can't wait to come back. She doesn't like the crippling extra payments you have to pay even if you have insurance, the fact that you always feel like a foreigner, the much more fervent religion, the crap tv, lack of paid holidays and a totally different sense of humour that most Americans can't seem to get. The grass isn't always greener.

NikiSaintPhalle · 03/07/2016 01:11

No. DH and I lived there for a couple of years and had green cards. It wasn't for us, and neither of us has ever regretted moving on.

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2016 01:33

What are your reasons for wanting to move there? Do you have family there? You have a passport so you are a citizen, and can bring your DH and child with you. But (having lived here for the past few years) I wouldn't move here just for the fun of it. Minimal maternity leave and holiday, the healthcare costs, the possibility of having trump as a president...

BeALert · 03/07/2016 01:41

I moved 10 years ago and I love it. But I imagine this will turn into an America-bashing thread with all sorts of stereotypes spouted.

I live in New England. The cost of housing is low, the schools are excellent, there is virtually no crime, people are friendly and have a wicked sense of humour, the local church supports gay marriage and equal rights. I laugh when I say this, but cars really do stop to let you cross Main Street. It's lovely.

We have lots of space, skiing, lakes, forests, hikes, canoeing, beaches. The weather is consistently hot and sunny in summer, and cold and snowy in winter. The children play loads of sports and the facilities are excellent. Class sizes are small, teachers get to know the children, the schools are good at consulting parents before making changes.

OTOH health insurance costs are a worry for a lot of people, and there is a lack of paid leave (although I got 5 weeks in my last job, and DH also gets 5 weeks in his - it seems to be quite industry-dependent).

BeALert · 03/07/2016 01:54

I would add - there are large parts of the US that I would not like to live in, and also maternity leave is a definite issue if you're planning on having more children.

TowerRavenSeven · 03/07/2016 01:55

I live in the western States and it very much depends on which state you choose. Our state's schools are awful. Our ds goes to an excellent independent school so that doesn't worry me.

The weather is good though, hot sunny summers and mild winters. I can do without all the religious overtones here but we have our own church that is very accepting to all.

I guess it depends on what is important to you and which state you choose to live in. I come from the Midwest (Pennsylvania/Ohio area) and it is beautiful there and inexpensive to live. There are definitely states I would not like to live in.

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2016 01:56

I believe your DH would have to wait for a work permit (EAD) once he arrived - those can take 3 months or so. So if that's correct you would have to plan for him being out of work for a while, since he couldn't line up a job before moving. The BritishExpats forum is really useful for visa and moving info if you do decide to go ahead.

TowerRavenSeven · 03/07/2016 01:57

I need to add that I don't worry about my son's schooling but the children here in general - yes I do worry about their education - definitely!

BeALert · 03/07/2016 02:20

I think as the spouse of a US citizen he would apply for an IR1 which allows him to work immediately upon arriving in the US. That was how it worked for me.

I agree British Expats is very good. It's not easy to get the visas, even as a US citizen - there are a lot of fees and requirements. OP, you would be the sponsor (unless you know someone out there who would be a sponsor), which means you'd need a job out there or a certain level of assets.

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2016 02:22

Ok, maybe the EAD thing is for fiancés rather than spouses then.

DeliveredByKiki · 03/07/2016 03:06

Totally depends where and what - we live in Southern California so the weather is nice ;) there are pros and cons, nowhere is perfect but if you (both) had decent jobs with good benefits to go to In a liberal part of the country why not try it out? Nothing is forever

We've been here 4.5yrs, eldest DC is 7 and I want them to be secondarily educated in the UK but DH can't get work as well paid or as easily in his industry at home so we might stay got citizenship so we have an easier option to move back again should we want ti

nooka · 03/07/2016 04:24

dh and I did move to the States, but they kicked us out after a few months (dh was on an intracompany transfer and then the company closed the US branch) and so we moved on to Canada.

Totally agree with others that it really does depend on where you move to, America is very varied which I don't think we really understand in the UK.

Anyway if your dh is really against it it's a bit of a no goer isn't it? I'd certainly start by looking to see if you can renew your passport and are a US citizen, and then what sort of visa your dh would get if you moved. Then whether his skills are really in demand and how much he might get paid. If all that lines up you can make a better case, but moving is a big disruption (and very expensive) and you have to both want to go for it.

OlennasWimple · 03/07/2016 04:33

If you are a US citizen, have you been filing tax returns while resident overseas?

zabuzabu · 03/07/2016 05:27

That's a good point Olennas

New England sounds lovely

Rockelburger · 03/07/2016 07:10

Sorry to be ignorant but what religious overtones are in he USA? I've never heard this. I know it's a Christian country and down south can be a bit intolerant but what else goes on?!?

I would choose somewhere sunny if moving there. The idea of a decent sunny life is bliss. And having a swimming pool!

OliviaBenson · 03/07/2016 07:25

Surely if your DH won't entertain the idea, that is that?

SenecaFalls · 03/07/2016 14:04

Rockelburger I think, generally speaking, religion is just more a fact of everyday life in the US than in the UK. A much higher percentage of people identify as religious and attend services on a regular basis. This is especially true in the South where I live. And conservative Christianity is still a political force in the US, though its influence is lessening. But there are also some very liberal aspects to religion in the US. For example, the US Episcopal Church is currently under suspension from the Anglican Communion, for which the Church of England is the mother church, for solemnizing same-sex marriage. The Presbyterian Church USA (descended from the Church of Scotland) also solemnizes same-sex marriage.

SquinkiesRule · 03/07/2016 15:43

You'd have to apply for green cards for your Dh and child (unless you lived there long enough to pass on citizenship) and you would have to be the sponsor with a job. Or have relatives there who would agree to sponsor him. My Mil did it with her dh and kids when they were younger. Her US based family sponsored her Dh.
We lived on the West coast for a very long time, I liked it, but I like UK better, but only just,

Stepmotherofdragons · 03/07/2016 17:06

My relative says that where she is (florida but out in the countryside) when she meets new people one of the first questions she is asked is what church she goes to. As a lapsed Catholic/atheist she gets weird looks and many people offering to pray for her.

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